Mothers Day is coming..heres my story..again

nicholas2009 - 07:49pm Apr 12, 2012 EST
Angel Mom

My name is Jen. I'm 34 years old and I am a mother of 1 boy, 28 months old. Here's my story. I had a miscarriage at the end of June 2010 and was very surprised to learn that I was pregnant mid July! I was so happy thanking God for his blessing, renewing my faith that when something is taken away another door opens. My pregnancy was completely normal..morning sickness - feeling good, feeling crazy until 18 weeks I noticed some spotting. I got checked out and was told some pregnancy's you spot, some you don't..they are all different. The spotting kept up and call it mothers intuition, but I knew something just wasn't right. Around 19 weeks along - one evening I had period type cramping, this freaked me out and I called my docs after hours number. Spoke with the on call doc and was told to take it easy and call in the morning. So, I got in the office for an appt next morning and was told "we can't explain why this happened, but everything's fine". When I got home from the office I bent over to pick something out of the fridge that fell and I felt a gush - I had a creamy pink discharge in my panties..not red blood..(sorry for the detail but some might find it helpful). I called my doc and they told me not to worry about it. Later in the evening (now I'm worried sick) I had twinges of sharp pain. It wasn't like a contraction, but it wasn't like the "cramping period" pain I experienced before. More nervous than ever I called doc again and this time they told me I might have placenta previa which causes painless bleeding. The confirmed this at an ultrasound and told me to take it easy, but no problem. As I left the ultrasound I had more pain, so again I called the doc and went in and they said I might have placenta accreta (where the placenta grows into a previous c section scar) and if I did carry to term I would have to have a hysterectomy. I was like "ok...as long as my baby is OK..I can handle that..I can handle anything but something being wrong with my baby". Later that afternoon I had an ultrasound to see if that was the case - when they put the wand on my belly..there was no dark..all my fluid was gone and my baby's heart rate was so fast..he was fighting for his life and in major stress...if I wasn't on the table laying down I surely would have collapsed. I was told I had to make a choice - try to make it to 25 weeks or terminate. I was having contractions there with the ultrasound wand...I was horrified and numb. My husband and I weren't going to give up on this baby - when I got home the contractions were becoming stronger and closer together. I ended up in the hospital. the day before Thanksgiving - for the D&E all the surgeons were out of town on holiday. One woman surgeon was called and she canceled her plans to take care of me. I knew I couldn't let my baby suffer anymore and even though he was fighting - everyone kept telling me no matter how much water I drank, no matter how careful i aws this babys lungs were not developed and he would never live and if he did he would always have problems....they told me if I waited another 24 hours and went home that I might bleed to death before I got to the hospital..when they told me I might die..my husband and I knew we had to terminate. It was the most traumatic thing ever - they had to dialate me with seaweed sticks in my cervix..they kept spilling out...I was shaking uncontrollably...i was scared.. i kept getting confusing reports of what was happening to me..i was bleeding and when they finally had a team together for surgery I was just out of my mind with grief..my baby was kicking me everytime I had a contraction - I was dying inside and knew I had to end it for both me and my baby. I remember being put out for the procedure and waking up to the most miserable time of my life. After the surgery the doctor told me an infection had started and i most certainly woul dhave died or been gravel yill within 24-48 hours ..so for this news I am sleeping at night with a clear conscience that we made the right decision..it is 9 months later. past my due date and the day after Mothers Day and i still feel this void. it is with the love and support of my husband and family and of course my 17 month old boy that has gotten me through this, I want another child but my husband is too traumatized by it and refuses...so its day by day for me..I feel for all who go through anything like this..I should be celebrating my new baby but instead i am planning a garden for his cremains. love to all xoxoxn