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Trixie2310

May 2013

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HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY BAILEY

May 21, 2012 01:31am (EST)

Today was my cousin's daughter's 1st birthday. I saw the pictures on Facebook. She is so cute, had her a little crown that said 1st birthday and the traditional pictures of cake all over her face. I'm so happy for them cause they tried so long for a baby and suffered many miscarriages before getting this beautiful little girl. I just can't help the tears in my eyes right now. This little girl has Skylar's middle name. I don't know if they used her middle name for me or not but it still touches my heart that they gave her that name. I am so happy for them but it springs the jealousy seeing these happy momments. These moments ill never have with either of my girls. I cherish every memory I have of my girls, but memories just aren't enough. I feel like a horrible person when things like this make me sad. Like no one else can have happy times cause I can't, but its not like that. I can be happy for them and sad for me all at the same time.

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STUPID MOTHERS DAY

May 12, 2012 01:17am (EST)

The dreaded mothers day is fast approaching. It makes me very hateful as everything around me is all about mothers and babies. I swear almost everyone I know has either just had a baby or just annouced they are pregnant. It's a little overwhelming. To make matters worse, I found out I was pregnant with Carlie the week after mothers day last year. Another mother's day and another child in the ground. Sheesh there's a few days on the calendar I'd just like to erase all together. My husband asked me what I wanted for mother's day and it took every ounce of restrant I had not to tell him my babies back. Things like that make him feel so bad cause he can't give me that and I know he would if he could. It's just not a fun weekend.

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YAY

May 02, 2012 10:36pm (EST)

Had my first counseling session yesterday. I think it went well. Just did some background and talked a little. I liked her. Gonna see her again in 2 weeks. She told me she usually starts counseling right after the loss and asked how I've survived this long. I couldn't really answering that. Life continues one no matter how much I suffer. I just get up and do what I have to. She asked what I wanted to accomplish with this counseling, I told her I would like to get to the point where getting out of bed doesn't take everything I have. She seemed to get it. She was surprised by my story. Granted she only got the basics this time . I don't think she expected me to have such a heart breaking story, and most don't. Couldn't tell you how many times I've heard I'm to young to have had any real hard times. Just a good example not to judge people before you know them. You never know what another person has been through.
I think I've gotten the biggest kick in the butt to lose this weight then ever before. Hubbub told me today the sooner I lose the weight I'm wanting to and get my healthy habits back in check we can start trying again! Since giving birth in Dec I've lost almost 30lbs. That's the weight from Carlie's pregnancy plus 10lbs. I am still trying to lose the weight from Skylar's pregnancy though. The way I figure being at a healthier weight can't hurt for another pregnancy plus it can only help my back problems. Now just to use this for my motivation. I'm thinking another 20- 30 lbs should be fine.

excited to be thinking about the future again. Excited to think there still is one. Now to learn how to hold onto this hope during the dark nights.

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M4B

Apr 30, 2012 04:22pm (EST)

Our march for babies was saturday and I think it turned out quite well. We ended up hiding under the bleachers for the 1st hour cause it was storming but it cleared up in time for opening ceremony. I think our team had a wonderful turn out. Think we may of had one of the largest teams in attendance

I dont have the offical total we raised yet but from the amonunt I know we almost doubled our goal! I was really excited about the turn out.
Tomorrow is my first counseling session. Kinda nervous but I think more nervous about getting lost. lol Not sure what I'm gonna say yet but I'll just go with it. Can't hurt right? and if I don't like the lady the berevmant nurse already told me she'd help me find someone else.
I think we are done on the adoption front. We just can't figure out how we could afford it. HUbby even mentioned something about trying again. Not getting my hopes us cause I don't want to pressure him into anything. We both need to be ready for this cause it's not going to be easy. He told me he doesn't want me working this time. I was figuring he mnet bout 20 weeks I'd go on leave but he said we'll see. He said I would go on leave when he said so. I know working had nothing to do with our losses but he said hes not comfortable with me stressing myself at work and especially since this last time they kept going back on the things they said bout me taking it easy. I told him if we do get pregnant again I'm not sure when I would want to inform the world. I have decided that there will be no baby shower. Both our losses happened right around something involving the baby shower so I don't want one. Also I don't know that I will want to share that baby with many outside the family and close friends. We will find out the sex and pick out names but I don't think we're gonna tell many ppl. This next pregnany will be private. Just things weve been talking about. I really want to fell another baby kicking insde of me, hear that heart beating away, see the pictures of the little one inside me. one day, one day it'll happen.

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UPDATE

Apr 19, 2012 07:09pm (EST)

Well I haerd back from the lady at the hospital and she gave me the names of a few counselors in my area. I have an apt May 1st. Nervous as can be. I already have anxieties with new people. Dont know how I'm gonna walk in and tell this lady everything I can't tell even my closest of friends. Maybe I'll just start with the girls stories who knows. I know this is a step in the right direction, just nervous.
In other news, while I've been looking into adoption both domestic and international, it's become apparent this will not be an option for us. I just never imagained money would be the final decision. I imagined paying some of the mothers expenses and paying court costs and the legal fees, I just never imagained having to pay an organization $20,000 + to "advertise" us. Foster care was out before it was ever an option cause I could never handle someone coming to collect the child when the birth parents decided to get their lives together, and as for adopting from the state it's more of a personal choice. we have decided our cut off is 2-3 yrs old. We want some of the firsts to be ours and everyone wants a infnat or toddler so we would be a a waiting list forever. I gues the only option for us is trying again.. sheesh.
I'm feeling a little better. Still not light at the end of the tunnel so i guess i'm just adjusting to the dark.

I'll take the break from the nights spent alone crying, I know they'll be back so why not enjoy the time while i have it. Somewhere out there is the answer for us and I'm gonna keep looking till we find it. I'm not ready to accept the end. I need to know I've exhausted all options before allowing myself to give up. Just hope I have the strength to follow through.

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THANKS

Apr 14, 2012 10:39pm (EST)

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I know both my girls are loved and we did everything possible for them, just sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. Sometimes it just feels like they were punished unfairly. I think about them everyday. I somehow thought since I've traveled this road already it'd be easier, but its not. It just seems more unfair and I can feel myself slipping into a dark place of anger and hatred. I don't want to be the bitter lady angry at the world and I've never been one to believe the world owed me anything. But after taking one child from me I thought the world couldn't get any crueler. After Carlie was born and they told us we were gonna lose her too and then she began to fight and prove the drs wrong, I thought maybe she had a chance. Maybe it wasn't going to be the life we had planned but we would still get to keep her, I mean if their is a god he couldn't do this to us twice right? Not suppose to give us more than we can handle or so I keep getting told. Well we were wrong again, cause losing both my little girls is more than I can handle. I'm not one that likes to ask for help. I will help others any way I can but hate to have to ask for any in return, but this I can't do alone. I can't mourn the death of two babies.
I went to my friends baby shower today. It was hard but I felt I needed to he there for her. We've had a conversation about how if I feel distant it has nothing to do with her or her daughter, I just have to take care of me first. I love them both, but I'm about to watch her get everything I've lost, everything I've ever dreamed of. It seems like everyone on Facebook is pregnant again too. What I wouldn't give to be in the same position. I'm so scared of another pregnancy but want it more than anything at the same time. O what am I going to do with myself.

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WHY

Apr 13, 2012 07:05pm (EST)

I've been lurking the last couple of days. Knowing i need to get things off my chest but having no words to express what I'm feeling. I just called the berevement counsler at the hospital and left a message. I fall apart everytime I'm left alone lately. I have no hope for the future and no motivation or urge to care about anything. I hate myself. I feel like if I wasn't these little girls mommy then maybe they would of stood a chance, but as it is I am and they didn't. Sometimes I think it would of been better if we never figures out how to get me pregnant. Then my defective body wouldn't have destroyed so many lives. Everyone around me is either pregnant or enjoying their new babies and it's destryoing my soul. atleast whatever is left of it. The why me's help no one but it's all i want to know. Why me, why them, why my family. What did I ever do so wrong to deserve this? And if i didn't deserve this then why does the world hate me so much? Why does God hate me so much? I've tried to be a good person, I know I've made some mistakes in life but why take it out on my babies?

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GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION...

Apr 03, 2012 09:15pm (EST)

I've spent the last few days lost in my books. Reading is my get away, losing myself into a world of fiction. Living through someone else's life, escaping my own. Sometimes it's nice to get away, and then I put the book down My reality comes flooding back. The fact that I shouldn't of had time to read 3 books in less than 48 hours. The fact that no matter how long I escape into a book it'll all still be wating for me when I put it down.
I keep telling myself giving up is not an option and I don't mean ending my life, those thoughts have never even crossed my mind oddly enough. Just going on with life. Everyday tasks.. moving forward with our lives. Giving up is not an option, but it's all I want to do. Just lay in my bed and check out. The only thing propelling me forward at this piont is my husband, my friends, our famlies. They don't deserve that, but it just seems so hard to go on ne more. I don't feel like me anymore. I have happy times with all those that love me but they don't change anything. I'm still sad, still empty, still broken. I feel like a shell of myself sometimes. What's the point anymore. Why even bother to make our lives bette when the two reasons I wanted to give us a better life are gone and their never coming back and each passing day only reminds me how alone I can feel in a room of people. I know I have to grieve and I know it's a long process but I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. Too scared to try again for a baby and too poor to adopt. my heart is destroyed with the actual possibility I'll never have a child to watch grow old. Never have a child to show how much I love them. I feel my dreams have vanished and without dreams whats the point of it all?
I dont even think I have dreams when I sleep anymore. Just nightmares. Running from room to room trying to find the child that cries for me but I can't find her, I never find her. I clutch to the happy times for dear life and frequently remember my girls, just so tired of only having memories. I know I have to get up, to slowly put the pieces back together again. I just don't see why. I think trying again after Skylar was my lifeline. Knowing we could try again and give her a brother or sister to tell all about her, after losing Carlie I don't think I can even cling to that. As much as I want it, I don't know that I'll be able to be pregnant again. I just don't know where to go from here, how to even begin to think about picking the pices back up. To even begin to care if I ever do.

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BABY FOR SALE?

Mar 28, 2012 04:11pm (EST)

So I got a letter from the adoption agency. I got a little excited till i started reading the information they sent. The begining of the email says they'd love to work with us and then lists a bunch of things we need to do. The end of the email says after we complete these steps they'll decided if we've been accepted into their program. They also sent an estimated price list. This has us worried. They estimate 22 - 28 thousand for this program. Sure there is a tax credit but only after the money is paid and it's only for a 2 year program. If for some reason we do not have a child placed with us in 2 years they pull our profile and it could cost another $18,000 to re list it. Not exactly something that builds our confidences.
I don't know what to do now. I guess keep looking but, not like I have $30,000 laying around. I knew this would be expensive but wow. I feel like someone is telling me I have tro buy a baby and o yea I can't afford it. I'm again begining to wonder how this is easier than trying again. That'll only cost us $6,000 and then I max out my out of pocket for the insurance. I don't know. feel defeated again.

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EVENTFUL DAY

Mar 27, 2012 12:03am (EST)

Well i did end up unsubscribing from her posts and I guess facebook thought I didnt mean it cause I woke up this morning to her posts about her water breaking. Rwar. Baby was deliverd and both are doing fine. Yay for them now get off my facebook. I feel horrid saying that but they're both doing good i dont need to know ne more info then that.
I went to my dr's apt last week. She agrees with my ob that as far as the clotting factors are concerned, I am not at risk unless I'm pregnant. However she is running more tests and is more then likely gonna prescibe some vitiamins to deal with the mthfr keeping my body from asorbing certain things. She also decided to check my thyroid... again. Drs have been checking my thyroid since I was a kid. They keep saying there has to be something wrong with it but all the blood tests come back normal. As they did this time. Still getting an ultrasound of it to make sure. Why not I'm not paying for it. Almost want them to find something so they'll stop looking at my thyroid, also could mean my trouble with weight could be hormonal

I dont think I've ever mentioned this on here but I signed up on Molly's bears. If no one here knows what it is, it's a non profit organization that makes weighted bears for families that have lost a child(ren). I entered a donation drawing and got my bears.

My Skylar and Carlie bears arrived a week or so ago. I can't explain the peace I felt holding my skylar bear, finally knowing what my 1lb 2.6oz baby girl would of felt like in my arms, and Carlie, thought I remembered exactly what she felt like but she felt so much heavier than I remember. I can't explain how much they help me. Along with the mod, I plan to make donations as often as I can to this organization. They are such wonderful people and I want to help them continue their work for other families.
Today i did something I never thought I'd be doing. I filled out my first app for an adoption agency. I'm so nervous/ anxious. This agency only works with a limited number of families at a time but they also deal in only infant adoptions. I'm so worried about if they say no. I know it's only the first place and I've got a few contacts to meet with a lawyer about our rights and what we need to do to start the process, but i found the application and thought it couldn't hurt. Just wish I didn't have to wait 1-2 weeks to find out if we even meet their standards to start the process.

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