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PREEMIEMAMA DRAMA
*fingers crossed* |
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JUNE 7TH
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May 24, 2011 07:30pm (EST)
Well, I finally did it. I called my OB and made an appointment for Dennis to get his 'swimmers' checked. We have to have an appointment together first. I'm supposed to bring in all my charts that I've done since September (When we originally started trying). I went back to my computer to print out all my saved charts, and nothing. Nothing came up. I clicked on it and nothing. I managed to pull up a blank calendar page though. Real helpful.
So I'm frantic. Searching all my files on the computer. I only printed out 2 of my charts. The rest I just saved each month. I wanted to cry. I keep hoping that they'll hold the key. I know they don't because I know that they all say that I should have gotten pregnant by now.
Last night, I tried again. An attempt to wish them back. It shows that they're saved. They're there! But I can't access them. Apparently, along with the TCOYF software that I had to buy, I also have to buy access to an online archive system, [which is apparently where the charts have been being saved to- even though they were supposed to being saved to My Documents]. So- there may be light at the end of the tunnel afterall.
It cost $29 to retreive archived data and to keep the access available. Dennis doesn't seem to understand why I'm so stressed out about it. He said if I charted everything correctly, then it shouldn't matter if I have them or not. (sometimes guys are so dumb!!).
I'm going to try buy it tonight. I'll sleep a little easier knowing that they're printed out and snug in my fertility binder. Yes. I now have one of those. A place to store all my information that I've been keeping. I thought I'd better start one since they're probably going to want that info anyways.
So my appointment is set for June 7th. We're still thinking about adoption, but for right now, I feel a little happier knowing that soon I'll be seeing my Dr. Moore. My OB- and hopefully I'll have some answers. There's still always the possiblity I can get pregnant this cycle. I'd be about 7-8 dpo by the time I see Dr. Moore. Too bad that's too early for a blood test... that would be awesome! 
Anyhow. My outlook is somewhat looking up because I feel like I'm finally taking back some kind of control-even if it is only a little sliver! The thought that maybe I'll have answers soon definately puts a smile on my face. Good luck to all you hopeful ladies out there. I can say this is definately one of the most stressful processes I've had to go through... and I'm hoping it ends soon for us all 
**Think***Happy***Thoughts***
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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A HARD DECISION...
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May 17, 2011 07:25pm (EST)
So yeterday after my post about the BFN, and then getting my AF, I went to my mom's house to pick up Kaitlyn and one of the other daycare parents (whom I've known for a long time) announces that she's 8 weeks pregnant. It broke my heart. I'm so sick of this feeling of being broken.
So when I went to pick up my husband in VA Beach yesterday, I had a little heart to heart with him. I told him everything. All my feelings of being angry with God and frustrated with my body. I told him we needed to get tested just to see what's up because I can't take all this charting and praying every month and still have the big negative. I told him it's driving me crazy. If he has some kind of sperm issue (since he has low T), I can deal with that. I just want to know so I can stop blaming myself.
At first he seemed a little offended. He couldn't understand what was so bad about the life we already have. We live in a nice house, we have each other and Kaitlyn, and go on vacations out of the country about once a year. Our life is pretty good.
As we talked more about it, he brought some other things to my attention. What about my pregnancy issues? I do have a 50/50 chance to have a normal pregnancy, but that also means I have a 50% chance that things won't go well. I think all this time I've kinda 'glorified' my situation with Kaitlyn. Not really glorified, but everything worked out fine in the end. I think if I had another one, I can do that. I know what to expect. But really, it can happen any time. They've already told me that they'll induce labor even if the baby isn't far along enough to survive.
Maybe I'm being spared from some kind of unimaginable heartbreak. I'd hate to think that God's trying to spare me and I'm trying to force it anyways. So, Dennis is starting to think adoption. I have been told different ideas as to whether or not I should get pregnant again or not. It's just too hard for me to accept at this time that I'm meant to only have one child. Ever since I can remember, I've dreamed of having 3.
Adoption. Every time I mention this idea to anyone, my eyes start swelling up with tears. It's just so hard to accept that this may be my fate. Not that there is anything wrong with it- because i think it's wonderful- I just don't want to go that direction because I HAVE to. We've always talked about adopting to 'give back', not to 'get.'
This is the big decision that we're facing... and praying about. I feel like maybe it IS the answer. I just don't like feeling like I'm giving up. I've got some time to think about it. Right now, though, my husband is seriously headed that direction. I guess time will tell
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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BFN
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May 16, 2011 07:11pm (EST)
Again. It seems like the time in between finding out I'm not pregant just keeps getting longer and longer. My chart this month was at least easy to follow. It wasn't all over the place, but unfortunately my temps dropped this morning, which was followed by AF. I was so sure that this was going to be the month. Everything added up perfectly. I know it says that even if the egg does get fertilized, you only have like a 25% chance of implantation. I think statistically it should have landed in my favor by now. So here I am, beginning cycle month 9.
I've gotten to the point where I'm bitter. Like before I was kinda angry, and questioning, "why".. but now I've reach the point of just being pissed off with God- and I'm not comfortable with that. I feel like my prayers are not being answered (or at least not how I feel they should be). I pray every day that I will have another baby. Everyday. And after I've ovulated I pray every day, several times a day for Him to see fit to create a new life. And everymonth I get nothing. Nothing but disapointment.
I'm really struggling right now. I grew up in church. I have a relationship with God... and yet I don't understand why this is happening (or in my case, not happening) right now. I understand that God's timing is perfect, but I just don't understand if it's not the right time, why doesn't He just take this desire from me? Make me not want it so bad. Like I said, it's a struggle I'm having...
I'm going to try call and find a place for my hubby to get his swimmers checked. Just to make sure they're doing their job. Then it will be my turn. I never in a million years dreamed I'd be at this crossroads... unable to conceive....struggling so hard to keep it together when all I want to do is cry.
I feel like a failure. It's like my body is fighting against me. I don't understand why it refuses to do the one thing it was meant to do. There are so many awful, unfit baby machines out there... *sigh* Here I go again. This is the song that seems to play in a continuous loop in my head.
I'm going to try not to think about it too much. I'm going to try to focus on what I do have. What I'm so thankful for. I should feel especially blessed that I DO have Kaitlyn. Who knew it'd be so hard to get pregnant the second time around??!! Maybe I should put some time and focus on getting myself in the most awesome shape ever... maybe that will help. Aaaaahhhh.... It's so depressing. 
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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HOPE LOST- YET OPTIMISTIC?
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May 09, 2011 06:09pm (EST)
Last month was a wash. My temps only stayed up for 6 days, then slowly and steadily decreased for several leading up to my period. Another missed opportunity.
A friend of ours (who started out TTC along with me) found out last week she's having another girl. She's 19 weeks along now. It makes me sad to think so much time has passed since she got the news and I still haven't. I took a short break from SHARE. I"ve have too much self loathing and lamenting going on and I didn't want to spread the negativity.
Anyhow how, the above mentioned friend gave us some advice with the baby making. She said her dr told her to have her man hold off for a week leading up to ovulation and then try to plan for the day before 'projected' ovulation. Last month we tried that, but since it's not clear whether ovulation actually took place, we don't know how well this theory worked. She was TTC for about 8 months before getting lucky with baby #2. May marks 8 months for us. My husband is on testosterone therapy for having low T, and it's not like the injections he had to take before, this is a gel he rubs onto his skin, but it makes me wonder if the low T isn't causing the issues. His "whatever that kind of dr. is" doctor says it shouldn't interfere and if anything boost it up a little. Either way, that's why we decided to try the 'save it all up for a week before ovulation' approach.
This month, I'm really crossing my fingers for some good news. The deed was done the night (2 days) before my softwares 'projected ovulation' day. I noticed a dip in my BBT that day. Thankfully, through daily charting, it showed I was right. I ovulated a day before I was projected to. The day after the 'deed.' So my software says I have the 'best chance' of conceiving since it was the night before ovulation. I'm trying not to put too much hope in it... since this isn't the first time. But the chart is very clear. I'm really hoping to see some sort of trisphasiatic pattern on it. I'd love that. It doesn't seem to be starting to shift to higher numbers... or I could just be reading into it too much!
Can you tell how completely obsessed I am? It gets worse when I'm on SHARE because it's all about our babies. That's why I had to take a break last month.
I've gotten Kaitlyn potty trained and out of diapers, so it seems fitting to start getting ready for diapers again, right?!! She's getting to be such a BIG girl now. It makes me sad and proud all at the same time.l
I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster every month, waiting for the build up to ovulation, trying to plan things just right, then waiting to confirm ovulation occurred, then waiting to see if anything took. It's mentally exhausting. Everyone just keeps telling me not to think about it, not to stress out over it and yada yada yada. I understand where they're coming from, but I don't think they understand where I'm coming from. It's hard!
This months prospects look good.. please send me lots of prayers and baby dust. I'm getting really discouraged. I feel like from the time I ovulate, to the time my cycle starts, I'm in a bargaining/pleading session with God. It's really starting to test me. Thanks in advance!!!
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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I OVULATED...I THINK!
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Apr 12, 2011 07:08pm (EST)
Okay, so in my last post, I was trying to figure out what on earth was going on with my cycle. Was it anovulatory, was it delayed ovulation... well, in charting my bbt, I'm pretty sure I finally did ovulate *yay*
Here's where the kicker is. I use 2 different fertility programs to chart with. One is the TCOYF software, and one is FertilityFriend.com-- they both have me ovulating on different days... like several days apart. Both show different coverlines.
I use the TCOYF software every month and I added the FertilityFriend after no ovulation was noted (for a second opinion, of course!!).
I chart everthing: Cervical Fluid, Cervical Position, and BBT. I put all the same info into both programs, and voila! Two different interpretations.
I think that TCOYF is showing ovulation on cd 22 because of CM dry up and it's calling it a 'slow rise' thermal shift. It would lessen my chances because we've been spacing out the BD because we think my hubby may have low sperm count (due to his low T)... so that would make it 4 days (cd 19) before ovulation (which rates my chances of conceiving this month "Low").
On the other hand, Fertility Friend is banking on ovulation taking place on cd 25 because it has the greatest jump in temps (and because the 'slow rise' had a very low dip before the temp increase). This increases my chances of conceiving ('Good') because BD was that day. I wish I knew for sure. My temps spiked on cd 26. It's all really confusing- especially if you can't actually see the charts. What doesn't make sense, though is that all my CM was gone for like 4 days prior to this. Now I have a long wait, as originally my new cycle was supposed to start tomorrow (and now will def be pushed back!).
Just thought I'd send a little update. I can try to upload my chart from FertilityFriend.com and see if it works. Here's the link:
My Ovulation Chart
Imagine that there is a coverline at 97.6 Thanks Ladies!!!
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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ANOVULATORY? HUH?
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Apr 06, 2011 07:43pm (EST)
Okay charting ladies- I'm driving myself crazy with this month’s chart. I’m on cd22 and still no ovulation in sight. I normally have 28-29 day cycles. I had all the classic signs that ovulation was approaching (even ovarian pain), but then nothing. It is driving me up the wall. My husband is just praying I stop talking about it.
I’ve googled just about everything I can think of and I’ve decided it’s either delayed ovulation (which is pretty late being that I’m usually clockwork cd16), or an anovulatory cycle, which sucks even more since who knows when it will end.
I’ve never charted anything like this, although my temps are all consistently under the coverline (minus one day) that don’t look all crazy and sporatic like the anovulatory charts I’ve seen online and in the TCOYF book. It’s freaking me out. At this point I just want this cycle to be over… so I can start fresh.
As for ‘delayed ovulation,’ I can’t think of any reason (stress-wise or not) that it would be delayed. I even went out and bought a new thermometer (even though it’s not suggested midcycle) and cross referenced it with the one I had- just in case the batteries were messed up. NOTHING. I’m so bummed and disappointed. Now IF I DO get pregnant next month, the baby won’t be due until January of 2012. Next year!!!
Have any of you had a similar experience? I’ve charted many months now and have never seen a time when there was no thermal shift. Can you ovulate and not have a thermal shift? How long does it take to end an anovulatory cycle? These are the frustrating questions I have.. and unfortunately, it appears the answers are ‘wait and see.’ There’s no way to know if you’re having an anovulatory cycle vs. delayed ovulation until it ends and you bleed.
Do you guys have any advice for this half-ovulation-crazed woman?! (Other than, ‘be patient and try not to think about it’ because that doesn’t seem to be working right about now!) I’d especially like info from any of you ladies who have had this kind of strange thing happen. Thanks so much for everything- especially for letting me vent
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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IT'S OFFICIAL
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Mar 24, 2011 03:04pm (EST)
We've been unsuccessful in our baby making for 6 months. Six months of waiting. Six months of hoping. Six months of trying. Six months of sadness. Six months of disappointment. I'm tired. I don't understand why. I know I'm not alone. That does give me a sense of comfort. I'm not jealous of ANY of my mommy friends here on SHARE...if you're here, you've been down a hard road that I know you'd have done anything not to have to travel.
I am tired of all my self-pity. I'm finding it hard to be around all my friends that seem to be popping of positive all over the place. I know I should feel happy for them- and to an extent I am. But deep down I just keep asking myself, "Why not me?" I realized that my charting software doesn't save the actual chart on the computer. It only saves the calendar. That's dumb. So I'm going to start printing them out every cycle so I can have a record to take to the doctor. Maybe if I do that, my body will finally think I mean business... maybe.
Blah. I just feel like a whiny mess! I'm sorry for that. I'm going to post a happy one when I get home and can load pics from Kaitlyn's 2nd Birthday party (which was awesome by the way). She is my ray of sunshine when all my days feel gloomy. I thank God for her everyday. Sorry my mood is so lousy this morning. I didn't even realize it til I started to type. 
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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KIDNEY STONES AND WRINKLE CREAM, OH MY!
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Mar 07, 2011 04:11pm (EST)
It seems like things are getting so busy that it's hard to make time to actually get back on and post anything. First it was my hand having been bit by my bulldog, then it was my husband landing himself in the hospital for 2 days (+several more in bed). It ended up being kidney stones, but it was pretty scary not knowing what was wrong. I've never seen him cry like that... ever.
I'm finally back- yay!! I've missed my SHARE family. I've been trying to catch up on all the blogs I follow- wow- so many things going on. Many of them wonderful!!
I wish the SU was right around the corner. I want to see everyone again!! We truly are like a family. I'm the stray uncle that no one hears from for weeks on end. I'm going to try change that though!
So March 3rd was my anniversary. It's been 4 whole years since I married my love!! We've been together for 7. It seems like time really goes by fast. I noticed just this morning that I need to go out and buy some anti aging cream. I have laugh lines. I guess that means I've had alot of happiness in my life
Kaitlyn is gearing up for her 2nd birthday. I can't believe she's almost 2!! She's getting to be such a big girl. She wants to be so independent now. She cries if I put her in the high chair, but is quite content to sit at the table like a big girl. She amazes me everyday with her wit and charm- and sometimes attitude.
She likes to pretend she's talking on the phone (ie our cordless computer mouse!). Sometimes she just stands there and 'talks' to herself. It's pretty funny. She still doesn't really talk though. Alot of what I call 'practice' talking. Gibber gabber. It kinda concerns me that she's so quiet. The doctor says she should start putting 2 words together now. She still doesn't, although yesterday she said, "bye bye daddy" all by herself. So maybe she's getting there slowly but surely.
I finished my shots early this round. I stayed the same for about 1 1/2 week. I couldn’t take being on the diet and not losing anything. I told Dennis that I’ll maintain this weight for 30 days and then finish up my last 10 shots. You lose the most the first week anyways. Maybe I can squeeze another 10lbs out! I've lost 18lbs since January 31st though. I'm getting healthier and that makes me happy (and Dennis definitely doesn't seem to mind one bit either!!). I'm hopeful for the future. That I'll conceive soon. I'm trying to stay focused on myself and my fitness and health. Maybe it'll happen when I least expect it!
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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ABSENCE
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Feb 16, 2011 08:08pm (EST)
I just realized how long it's been since my last post. Things got pretty busy around the Mitchell household... and before I knew it, 3 weeks had past. Sometimes it feels like nothing new ever happens so why bother posting. But I'm glad to be back!!
Along with just being plain busy here lately, I recently was biten (accidentally) by one of my english bulldogs. It happened at night when we were in bed. Apparently they thought my hand belonged to the other dog (they were 'disagreeing' with each other). It was really hard to type for several days since I couldn't move my last two fingers! Long story short, I'm just getting back to being able to type. Thankfully, my hand isn't broken, which is what I had originally feared. My hand is still pretty sore at times, but I can manage to type fairly well these days- no more 'pecking!!'
Dennis and I have decided to take a break from 'baby making.' As hard of a decision as it was to make, I think it's important that I get my body in better shape. Maybe if I'm healthier next time around, I won't have the problems I had with my last pregnancy.
So, for now I'm back on my HCG injections and diet.
I'm trying not to think about how much I want another baby. I'm trying to focus on the family I have, and the task at hand. Every time I want a bite of something that's NOT on my approved food list (which trust me is basically everything), I try to invision being pregnant again- healthy and full term. I imagine delivering a baby that actually gets handed to me and not wisked away to the NICU before I can even see it. I picture myself being wheeled out of the hospital with all my balloons and flowers actually holding my baby in my arms instead of having to leave it behind.
And that seems to be all the motivaiton that I need!
I'm on Day 17 of my my HCG injections and diet, and so far I've lost 14lbs!! I really want to follow through and stay in shape this time... if not for myself, for my baby! 
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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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