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MISSING PHOENIX

PHOENIX'S MOM

September 2010

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BACK IN THE NICU

Nov 20, 2007 11:50pm (EST)

I am going back in the NICU but this time it's a good thing. On Monday, I signed a job offer to be a nursery tech in the NICU. It's a part time position and I will be able to work around my school schedule. I start this Monday with hospital orientation. It is unreal how it all fell into place. I finished my CNA class in October and took my state test. The way that the CNA class fell, I couldn't take any other classes. I was in search for something to do. I've been on such a fast pace lately that it is killing me to slow down. One day I was looking on the internet for jobs in the hospital when I came across this one. It is at the same hospital that my older sister works. I called her to see if she knew anything about it and she told me that the woman that I helped with the walk efforts was in charge of that position. I e-mailed her and she told me about the position. I was so excited. I filled out the on-line application, interviewed, was offered the position and accepted the position with a big smile.

I won't be in the same hospital that Phoenix was in but it will be the same doctor's group that took care of him. This is the hospital that I said that I wanted to work when I graduated. I really look forward to seeing the doctors again. The ironic part about this position is my primary function in the unit. My primary function is mixing the formula. Two years ago, when I was researching NEC, there was a suspected link between formula and NEC (nothing was proven but there was a link because of the increased number of babies that were formula fed vs breast fed babies). I am looking forward to learning and I will soak up every bit of knowledge that I can.

On a different note, I am attaching some pictures from PAD. Our NICU Family Support Committee made pink and blue fleece blankets for the families in the NICU. We made about 32 of them. We rolled them up and tied them with pink and blue ribbon. It was a fun project. The last picture is me, Kelly and Mary Beth (our NICU Family Specialist).

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (15) | Permalink

IN DEBT!!!

Oct 03, 2007 09:05pm (EST)

I am in debt up to my eyeballs. But it isn't the debit that you are thinking about. It isn't financial debit that I am talking about. It is the good deed debt. Something happened the other day and it just got me to thinking. But this story comes with a warning: you may catch it or you may get the warm and fuzzies.

We live in the sticks. Well, there is no other way to put it. It is a small country town. When you pass so many corn fields and cow pastures that you lose count, you know that you are in the country. Anyway, there is a small general store that is no longer in business next to me. The store has been taken care of and it has that rustic look to it. I love that it is there. A week ago, we had a small cold front that was coming in. The skies were ice blue, there was a slight breeze and the sun was so bright. I looked out my window and thought that my eyes were playing tricks on me. It was raining but the sun was still out. I told Jeromy that it was raining. He asked me if I was serious. He looked out the window and started to laugh. When I looked out the window, I saw a man and woman on a motorcycle pull up to the store for shelter. They were soaked. Jeromy proceeds to say, as he walks out of the room, "that sucks!" Jeromy walked into the kitchen and starts looking through the cabinet. I knew what he was doing but he didn't unpack the kitchen. LOL!!! So I handed him a couple of hand towels. He walks out of the house and towards the people and says, "I think it is going to rain." The guy laughed and told him that he thought that he was right. Jeromy handed him the towel and spoke with them for awhile. They dried off, the rain stopped and they were on their way again.

I thought that was in the end of it until the other night. We were sitting on the porch enjoying the cool weather and up rides the motorcycle carrying the man and the woman. We heard the man say, "there he is." They stopped at the end of the driveway. Jeromy yells to the guy, "Nice night for a bike ride." The man agreed. The woman gets off the bike and brings a bag up to us. Jeromy whispered that they were bring the towel back. The woman thanked us for being so kind. She proceeds to tell us that they moved from the city and it was people like us that reminds her that they made the right choice. She said that we restored her faith in mankind and that you don't find people like us everywhere. I was kind of shocked. I thought, all we did was give them a towel to dry off with. The man thanked us again and drove off.

The bag contained a card and a gift. The card read:

The towel was much appreciated. Good deeds are always returned 10 fold. Many blessings for you guys.

The gift was a large pumpkin spice candle (one of my favorite scents). I couldn't believe what just happened.

Many good deeds were done for me over the last couple of years. Instead of giving something back to the person who did it for you, I past it on to someone else that was in need. So, I am in debt to everyone that has helped me in the last couple of years. I need to start a list but I don't want to cause a paper shortage.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (14) | Permalink

DON'T BLINK!!!

Sep 21, 2007 01:09am (EST)

I was driving home tonight and I heard a new song by Kenny Chesney called "Don't Blink". Well, I really didn't hear the song. I got hung up on the title. When I got home, I looked up the lyrics on the internet. Everytime I came across the words "Don't Blink", I just thought about the last two years. I thought about the short time that we had with Phoenix, the growth that I have expirence, desperately searching for knowledge and the fog that I have been in. I know that is a weird combination but that's me.

The 7 short weeks that we had with Phoenix felt like a blink. 7 weeks just isn't enough time. I still miss him dearly everyday. I still can see him in his "Bob the Builder" outfit and I can still see his big blue eyes. I learned the NICU schedules of meds, tests, and feedings. I soaked up every bit of knowledge that I could get while I was there. After we lost Phoenix, I was in search of answers, what happened, why did he come so early, what is wrong with me, what is NEC, and the big question of WHY? I was consumed. Well, I still am. I am a mother who wants answers.

I knew that I was in a fog. I still have a hard time with my nieces and nephew ages. Taylor will always be 7, Peyton will always be 5 and Kyle will always be 3 (I have blogged about this before). In reality, Taylor is 10, Peyton just turned 8 and Kyle just turned 5. This throws me for a loop everytime my sisters and I talk about their kids. I REALLY have to think about their ages. I knew I was living in 2005. I never denied that.

The other day, I was looking at some pictures on this site of the Share babies. A couple of them really shocked me. I honestly couldn't believe the changes in these children. They grew up infront of me and I didn't notice. I feel the same towards the children in my family. It is shocking to me. Really, I don't know why. All of these children are doing what they are suppose to be doing....they are growing up. So I asked, "Self, where have you been?" Yes, I talk to myself. I thought about Taylor, Peyton and Kyle. I thought about the changes that they have gone through. I thought about how I am going to lose my title of "tallest girl in the family" in the next couple of years. I thought about all of the activities that they are in and how I cry everytime I see them at one of their events.

So tonight as I was driving, I learned something about myself. I can say that I have been living in a fog all I want to but that is not the truth. It took me 2 years to realize this. Yet, once again I found myself in making excuses for myself. I'm not in a fog. I didn't blink. I just closed my eyes.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (17) | Permalink

THE DAY THAT THE WORLD STOPPED FOR ME

Sep 12, 2007 10:45pm (EST)

September 13 is the day that the world stopped for me. It has been 2 years since I held Phoenix, kissed him, loved on him, seen him, and been a mother to him. I can still remember every detail of that day like it was yesterday. I just can't believe that it has been that long. It has been 2 years or 730 days or 17520 hours. Only a mother would know that.

Even though I can't carry him physically, I have several things that I carry with me everyday that comforts me. I have my mother's ring, my bracelet that we ordered to replace our hospital bracelets, his pictures, and I have his pacifier that I carry in my purse. I also take comfort in the small things that lets me know that he is with me: Kisses from a machine last year, the angel from the florist, and the light that came on.

What will this Thursday bring? I don't know, we will have to wait and see. I do have to go to school but I have an "out" if I need it. I just get through his angel-versay as best as I can. I know that I will have a heavy heart, sadness, and tears. I am not going to dwell on the what if's. I want to have good thoughts of Phoenix running through me head. I miss him so much!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!

I have lots of pictures of Phoenix but few good ones that are in focus. But I wanted to share some of the ones that show his little personality.

9-14-2005-066

9-14-2005-022

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (30) | Permalink

MURPHY'S LAW

Sep 05, 2007 09:54pm (EST)

I think that I am living proof of Murphy's Law: "if something is going to happen, it will happen to me." I live by this. I am actually starting to believe it. It is pretty bad when your OB says that you are a perfect example of it. It has been backed by someone with a MD behind their name, so it must be true.

Let me tell you about my day on Tuesday. I got up at 6:00am to get ready because I had a lot to do. I jumped on the computer to e-mail a couple of friends about going out Friday night. Before I leave, I take the dogs out. Well, Blaze decides that he wants my towel from my counter. The dog likes to do things like that to me. Well I reach down to pick it up and then my hand was burning. He decided to go for the towel as well, so the back of my hand met his paw. He is a 75 pound dog that thinks he is still a puppy. So now I have a nice size scratch complete with bruising on the back of my hand. It is right on the bone of my first finger that extends from my wrist to my knuckle. There is no fat on the back of your hand and no protection for the veins either. NICE!!!!

I go to my doctors visit. I haven't seen him in awhile. He is my pulmonologist that I have been seeing for 10 years. He diagnosed me with asthma about that time. I loved him. He was always good to me. I thought it would be an easy visit. I wasn't having any trouble, I just needed refills on my meds. I take two inhalers. So the physician assistant comes in (routine) and starts asking me what happened with my son. I really didn't want to re-live it right then but she needed to know about the clotting issue (she was on vacation last time I was there). I tried to make it as short. Then she proceeds to tell me that I didn't look good. So I told her since I have been without my meds, I haven't been sleeping. I wake up every 4 hours coughing then I have to get up for awhile. I told her I just wanted some sleep. Everything was under control for the longest time. Please no peeps about what I was doing last year at the union. She listened to my lungs and told me that they sounded good. That was a plus. She took my BP (more on that later). She said that she was going to send me for PFT's. I really hate that test. So I was waiting for the doctor to come in to get my results. When he came in he told me that my breathing test was off of the charts. Then he goes on to say that he doesn't think that I have asthma. What?!!! He was the one that told me 10 years ago that I had it. Really, I have paid so much money to that practice and spend a lot of money on some very expensive meds. At this point I don't know if I should laugh or cry. He wanted to run another test "just to be sure". I went for the test and again I was waiting. He said that my lung capacity was excellent. He said that I either have a disorder with my vocal chords that allows them to open and close when they aren't suppose to or my allergies are so bad that I might need steroid shots every couple of months to control them. GREAT!!!! He gave me some samples of nasal spray which I have taken before (it didn't work for me) but I will humor him. At this point all I want is 8 hours of straight sleep. I would even take 5 or 6 right now.

Getting to the blood pressure. I have been off those meds for awhile now too. So, I ventured to ask what my blood pressure was. He said that it was 122/80. What?!! I don't get this either. My blood pressure is never that good even when I am taking meds. Nothing made sense. Don't get me wrong, I really don't want to take all of these meds but I don't understand what just happened. I have been on bp meds since I was 21 and it was tricky to get it under control. I have an appointment with my family doctor in 2 weeks and I will find out more then.

Right now, as it stands, I am cured of asthma and high blood pressure. I almost asked him if he would draw my blood to see if I am cured of MTHFR as well. That is a gene mutation on your DNA and there is no cure just treatment. I didn't push it. I am just tried and confused right now. I just don't know how I have been treated for something for 10 years and now its like I have never had it. Well we will just see what happens on my next visit in a month. All of this is just a little more than I can take in.

I really had an inspirational blog planned out but I couldn't get this out of my mind. I will post the blog that I had planned another day.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (8) | Permalink

COULD YOU PASS THE SALT, PLEASE?!!

Aug 28, 2007 07:57pm (EST)

"Bitter" was a word that good friend used to describe me. I really didn't need to hear that after the week that I had. Let me give you a little background. My grandmother has 5 grandchildren, in which she has 2 favorites, my older sister and my cousin (we will call her T). T's father died in a car accident at a very young age and my grandmother has done everything for her. I can understand why she did. She never wanted her to go without. T and I really don't get along. Well, T found out that she was pregnant with her 2nd child and no one told me. When she found out she was having a boy, no one told me. When she gave birth, no one told me. Really this is fine with me until last Monday. I had to get a ride to school from my grandmother. We were suppose to leave at 3pm but she called me at 9am asking me if I would ride to T's house because she is really sick and needs help with the baby.

The ride over there was very difficult to say the least. My grandmother told me her dying wish was to have holidays like we used to. She wanted everyone to come. So I asked her who doesn't come besides me. She said no one. I am the only one who chooses not to go. Can we say guilt trip?!!! I thought this would be it then she proceeds to go further. "I think that you should have another baby and to have another one, well, it just would fix everything." I thought that I was doing good during the healing process but I guess other people view it differently. Really, I didn't think that I needed to be "fixed". Really, grandma, could you open my wound a little further and pour some salt in it?

The day went from bad to worse. When we got there I had to endure my grandmother playing with the baby. I was trying to study for the test that I had that night. But all I could feel was a lump in my throat that was expanding by the minute. She gets the baby to bed and tells me that I needed to help her listen for him. So I asked her why. She says, "while she was giving birth to him, he swallowed some of his own poop. so they had to suck it all out and it did some damage, so he can't make any loud noises." Then T gets up after resting and proceeds to tell grandma that her son will need surgery on his throat. So with that, we left. Then on the way to school she said that kicker. "Can you imagine that little thing going in for surgery?" I just looked at her. I said, "No, I can't." Just a reminder Phoenix went in for NEC surgery just weighing 2 pounds. Grandma, I think that you missed a spot with the salt!!! Nothing else was said on the way to school. That set a good tone for the test that I cried through. I got a 96% on a test that I could barely read.

Getting back to the bitter part. I have been living with that day for awhile. I go to cut my friend's hair. He asked me what was wrong so I told him about it while fighting back the tears. What did he say? "Your so bitter. You have to move past this. Bitterness will make you old." Nice!!!! This is someone who I called a friend. This is someone who supported Jeromy and I emotionally since everything happened. With friends like that, who needs enemies? I really never saw myself as being bitter. Hurt maybe, but never bitter. He hasn't seen bitter yet!!! I think someone else missed a spot with the salt. Could someone please, pass the salt?!!

We are trying so hard to start fresh and these are the kinds of things that I am dealing with.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (16) | Permalink

JULY 21, 2007

Aug 21, 2007 11:15pm (EST)

It would have been Phoenix's second birthday. Well, it was also moving day for us. I felt bad for doing it on his birthday but it was kind of symbolic doing it on that day. Everything was packed except for one room. It was the room that we both avoided. It was the room that was mine growing up and it would have been Phoenix's room. There was no more putting it off, we had to face that room. I have to admit a couple of things that might sound bad. First, the clothes that we bought when we found out we were having a boy, were still hanging in the closet. I couldn't take them down. Really, it was hard for me to go in that room. The room stayed the way it was just before we lost him. Jeromy had taped off the room to paint and we sampled the paint on the wall. All of the toys that we bought were still in boxes and bags just like we just brought them home. That was hard to admit. But we both knew it was time to pack it away. So, we moved my second cedar chest (the first was full) into the room and I started filling it up. I looked at every piece of clothing as I placed it in the chest and cherished every toy. I had to stop several times to take breaks as I had tears flowing down my cheeks. I stepped outside to clear my hear and eyes so that I could look at the next item that was to be packed. That was a job that I wish I didn't have to do.

We had a couple of guys helping us with the big items. Well, it came down to the two cedar chest and no one acted like they wanted to touch them. One of the guys stepped up and helped Jeromy wrap them in blankets and load them onto the truck. He was very, very careful with both of them. I thanked him for being so gentle with them and he told me that I didn't have to thank him for that and he would make sure they made it there without a scratch. I looked up at him and I saw a tear gently rolling down his cheek. I don't think that I realized that our loss affected the guys so much. I totally missed that. When we got to the new house, the same guy climbed up into the truck and helped Jeromy unload both chests.

After a full day of moving, we were rushing to get to the cemetery before dark (I put out flowers for Phoenix and dad the day before). I looked at the clock and it was 9:17, the time he was born. How ironic was that? I noticed that his solar light wasn't on. I commented to Jeromy that we needed to get new batteries for the light. We bent down and said happy birthday. Jeromy asked if I thought if the terrible twos would have been that bad. Then he looked at the headstone and asked Phoenix if he would have been that terrible. Well, the solar light came on. I guess he got his answer. Jeromy looked at me and started to say something but I interrupted him to tell him that I seen it too. It was that very moment that I decided something. July 21 would not only be Phoenix's birthday, it was be a rebirth for us as well. We are getting a fresh start. I made a vow that I am getting rid of all the clutter. I do mean all of the clutter. The emotional, physical and the financial clutter. Its all going. All of the boxes that I didn't need are in the shed to go through when it gets cooler. I am working to get rid of the financial clutter. I am working through old emotions and trying to deal with new ones as they come up. This doesn't mean that I will forget about Phoenix, I could never do that. I want to change and it is time to change. I just hope I don't fall flat on my face doing it.

I wanted to thank everyone who called, e-mailed and sent cards. It really ment a lot to me and Jeromy. It was nice to know that I was thought of when I wasn't around.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (13) | Permalink

WHILE I'VE BEEN AWAY...CONT

Aug 15, 2007 10:22pm (EST)

Well moving, I thought, would be simple but that's what I get for thinking. Our moving date was set and I had both of my sister's coming over to get the items that I had stored for 4 years. We started boxing things up and throwing a lot away. I was on a mission to get rid of the clutter. We decided to go to my nephews t-ball game to take a little break from everything. We were walking out to the car when Jeromy's phone rang. It was his dad saying that 2 Sheriff officers were shot in my home town. When you are in the emergency services (it doesn't matter if it is police, fire, or ems) your a family. We jumped in the car and what would have been a 40 minute drive was a 15 minute drive. We got to the fire department to learn that a 15 year old boy shot the officers. My heart sank to the ground. I used to be a 911 dispatcher in Floyd County and I knew one of the two. Sadly, the officer I knew was killed. He left behind a 2 year little girl and a young wife. The other went to surgery and has a long road ahead of him. He had a 1 year old, and a 8 week old and a young wife as well.

Here I was faced with death yet again. But it is a wake up call that there is no such thing as a routine call, and nothing to say that your husbands coming back. We delayed moving. The fire department that Jeromy is on was on that run. The helpless feelings came back as I watched grown men crying. I have to remind you that in the county that I grew up in, NOTHING happened. We just got our first traffic light a year ago.

I knew that the funeral would be long as the FOP had to arrange everything. I don't mean to be cold when I say an officer's funeral is an event. Everything is carefully timed to the second. We were part of the funeral. People lined the streets holding flags and signs as the procession past. The last call over the radio as the hurse stopped under the giant flag. The bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace". The look in his little girls eyes.

During this time, I was faced with a situation. I wanted to go dawn and help in the radio room while this was happening. But what stopped me was the fact that I was fired over what happened to Phoenix. I thought about it and decided to be the better person, I called and told one of the girls that if they needed anything that I would help. I got a call that night asking me to work a couple of days so they would go to the funeral. Little did I know the man who fired me is no longer in charge, it is a girl who left about the sametime as me. I agreed to help. I knew that it was important for them to have time to grieve and come to terms with what happened.

After everything settled down, I still felt like I had to do something. Jeromy and I talked about it and threw around some ideas. I talked to a local restaurant about hosting a pancake breakfast with firefighters serving. They went for it so I took it to the Chief and he went for it. It ended up being the 4 area fire departments serving breakfast from 7-11am. We made $7400.00 for the families of the officers. It turned into a BIG event (we even had hot air balloon rides). The two wives came to thank everyone and it was good to see them out. However, what touched me the most was the mother of the officer that was killed. She came in at 7am, she was crying and could barely walk to the table. I escorted her to the table. I talked to her for a little while to calm her down. The place filled up and I had to go to work. I was walking past her table and she stopped me. She asked if she could sit where they were taking money so she could thank everyone that came in. I told her that she didn't have to do that. She insisted that she did, so I made it happen. Everytime I past her, she was thanking people and she would shed a few tears. Everytime I saw her, I thought, if I only had an ounce of her strength, I would be just fine. Her strength that day overwhelmed and amazed me.

So our move was delayed but that was OK. We needed to do this. I posted a link below if anyone wants to read the article from one of the papers.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!
Newspaper article

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (13) | Permalink

WHILE I HAVE BEEN AWAY......

Aug 08, 2007 12:45pm (EST)

While I have been away, I've been reflecting on my life. It took awhile considering my age but this is what I found....

I live in the house that I grew up in. My mom and dad built it in 1977. We made the big move across the Ohio when I was 5. I lived there until I was 18 and they moved back to the city (Louisville). After my dad passed, I bought the house. I really didn't know how I would feel living there again but I knew that it is a good area with good schools to raise a family. The house held good memories as well as bad memories. I can't say that one outweighed the other but we know that you always remember that bad over the good. It's just human nature. The house came with a lot of clutter that two sisters said they would help resolve. I found that my house became a storage for things that they wanted to keep but never took. It is amazing how fast 4 years flies by. Yes, after 4 years I still had the things they wanted to "keep". Physical clutter drives me crazy!!! But yet there was nothing that I could do about it because the stuff wasn't mine.

In away, I can say that My house saved me. When everything happened to Phoenix, I felt that my house was my safe place. No one could hurt me there. When I didn't want to face the world, I didn't. I stayed home. It was a place that I didn't hear the whispers behind my back (small town, everybody knows everything). It was my protector. It made me feel like I was a little girl in my daddy's arms. Yet, as much as I loved being there, I felt like I couldn't grow up. I would always feel like a little girl in that house even though I am a woman that should have her son by her side.

My old room was suppose to be Phoenix's room. It's a room that is closed off. We don't use it at all. His clothes still hung in the closet and the things that we bought for him still in boxes. Jeromy tested a small patch of the blue paint that we bought to test it and the blue patch is still there. The painter's tape still on the walls. The door stays closed. No one was allowed in. That room contained a lot of emotions that we just didn't want to deal with.

One night while we were sitting on the porch, as we did so often, Jeromy said that he wanted to sell the house. His feelings were that it wouldn't be the same if we had another baby and put them in Phoenix's room. He felt that it would be a replacement. So I shared my feelings about what I was feeling. We were both shocked to find that we felt the same. It was a joint decision to put the house up for sale. Much to our surprise, it sold quick. My only requirement, when we started looking for another place to live is that we didn't go too far from the cemetery. We both agreed on that. We decided to rent a house and take our time finding something to buy. I always rush into something. We are taking our time, there is no hurry.

There is more that I want to share with you but this is getting long. I will pick up where I left off. As you can see, my computer in finally fixed and I am back. It's been too long. I will get back into the routine of responding again. Right now, I feel like a brand new member. LOL!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (17) | Permalink

I AM SUPERWOMAN

May 31, 2007 10:17am (EST)

Actually, I'm not but everyone thinks that I am. I think that I made the claim that I was superwoman one time. That is when I was on crutches, Jeromy was out of town, and I had to walk two BIG dogs on a leash in the snow. I think that someone placed a big red and yellow S on my back and I just can't see it. I like the word independent better. Today is my last day (in this session) of class. Wednesday I will start another class. I really didn't think that summer school would be this demanding. But if you take 16 weeks of work and cram it into 4 weeks, I think that you will be busy. Anyway, on top of summer school, Jeromy and I are going through a lot of changes. NO, we are NOT pregnant, and yes, we are still together. They are just changes that need to be made. I will explain later. Not only am I busy with school and changes, my family is demanding a lot of my time that I just don't have. My next class is only 4 weeks long!!! I love that summer classes are so short!! The feeling of achievement comes much quicker. I hope to be around a little more in the coming weeks.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (12) | Permalink

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