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liz loschinskey

May 2013

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OH SHOOT...

May 15, 2012 04:00pm (EST)

Oh shoot....

I am the worst sister in law ever.

Yes, the same SIL that I am in constant battle with went for her first ultra sound on this pregnancy, this morning. There was no heartbeat.

I feel like a pile of cow dung for arguing with her, for being jealous, just because.

blah...

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HI.

May 14, 2012 03:04am (EST)

Happy mother's day.....

My heart is in Maine. I had my whole congregation praying for the StClair's this morning. Tomorrow is a big day for them.

Have I been getting choked up all day? Yes. Has it been raining all day? Yes. Do I still want to punch my SIL in the head with a high heeled shoe? Yes. Especially after she showed her ass today. I let that bleepidy bleep ruin my whole day. The whole day consisted of eating. Well she ruined my appetite at her house, literally, I helped Tori eat and didn't eat a thing because she just repulsed me with her horrible attitude, and raising her voice to me about something I didn't even do, to the point I cut her off in mid-sentence and said firmly, "OKay, K" making direct eye contact and giving her a dirty look, and didn't talk to her for the next 2 hours then we left. FU bleepity bleep. I didn't say anything of that nature, instead I cried about it on the way home. She is so sneaky and pulled her little stint while my husband was outside, even her mom told her to chill. Bleeping bleep.

Did Tori and I have a good day after 3pm? Yes. She puked yesterday in the car. Booo...she was doing so well. She hadn't puked since 4/22. We go back to children's on Thursday and I hope we get discharged from Pulmonary. Actually, I've been praying on it for 2 weeks. Wouldn't that be greaat! However, normally when I get my hopes up, they get smashed into the sidewalk like a wad of gum.

I think I have too much time on my hands to sit here and ponder what I'm going to do to keep my mind off of things over the next few weeks. Mike witnessed me crying in the car(I don't cry, even tho I've been secretly crying on and off for weeks now), so he says we will start our garden tomorrow, ASSuming it doesn't rain all day again.

Blah, I'm a miserable female dog. Trust me, If I could hide in my super number sleep bed with my big screen tv and the fire place going in our bedroom, for days I would stay up here, under these blankees, blinds down with my dog, and pray she doesn't piss on the bed due to her being sick. No kids, no husband, no family, no human contact. I would be wonderfully miserable. Throw in a bag of veggie chips and some pizza, pure bliss.

love ya guys, thanks for listening to me whine....
Liz

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (3) | Permalink

CHILDREN'S AND UPDATE.

May 03, 2012 08:17pm (EST)

hi. i'm just here to whine. like, I don't even care about my punctuation or spelling.

Storms last night had Tori up from 240a till about 4a. And the sick dog with the kidney failure is not allowed upstairs anymore, so of course, she's at the bottom of the steps whining and howling as this storm(thunder/lightning/wind/kinda scary) is rolling through.

My alarm is set for 6 am to have the house up and ready to get T to an appointment at Children's in the gastro dept. Great right? The appointment went well, my motherly worries got the best of me in the waiting room, in the car, staring out the window at the appointment, stratigically planning our next move with Tori. Really everything was fine we made an appointment for an upper GI, which is fine. More radiation on her petite little body. She weighed in at 20lbs, 5 ounces. She is in the 15th percentile for 31inch girls. So we left there, upper GI, swallow test and a script of prilosec. And finally someone agree's that puking 4-5X's a week is not normal.

Also, scheduled a pulmonary check up for the 17th at Children's. I pray on everything we get discharged. Children's is a scary place, for me. Like, I'm tearing up just thinking about it....There is absolutely no reason to be crying or even think about crying but I have been for nearly 2 weeks now. Like I thought of Lauren in the car wearing my movie star glasses trying not to cry over nothing.

It's so effing hot outside, the car read 93, I got in the house after the gym around 3pm and the house was at 80, the upstairs was over 90....Air is on, now and the house is down to 74*.

Jealousy is such a horrible thing, I still want to punch my SIL in the head for being pregnant, I just avoid contact until I can get my emotions under control.

Emotions under control, I dread it, Absolutely dread the week of 5/29-6/03 like I want to curl up in a ball and today is only the 3rd. I pity my husband, he's been getting yelled at everyday for no reason....well a stupid reason at the time. And I know my kid thinks I'm a weirdo when I hug her and just cry. I stare at her breathing while she's sleeping, I watch her every movement, it's almost weird to me. I listen to her talk to herself or talk to the dog and I tear up. I tear up when she empties her poopy diaper and smears it on the wall/floor/herself(Which she has just picked this habit back up, the past 4 days have been poop days).

I keep trying to read up on my mental health, like is this healthy to still be back in my daughters hospital days...Should I still be dreading Children's, should I still be comparing her life to the NICU, should I still be comparing her to her brother? Should I still be mourning her brother 10 years later as if it were last week? 10 years?! Do you believe it? I just wish my life was normal. I wish things were different. I know we all do.

See, I'm tearing up, yet again...pondering the what if's in life. The why me's? The pity party for myself, by myself. Ha!

bbl..

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (4) | Permalink

M4B PICTURES

Apr 29, 2012 07:08pm (EST)

mod

mod2012

mod2012flag

shirts

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (7) | Permalink

ARE YOU BLEEPING KIDDING ME?

Apr 23, 2012 03:38pm (EST)

That stupid bleeping bleep is pregnant.

She is pregnant.

The SIL is pregnant.

For someone that bitches about money all the time, and has someone watching her now 18 month child 5 days a week, oh yeah, she has an 11 year old also who takes the blunt of things as it is...and now she is pregnant, again?!

Am I jealous? Abso(&^^glutely.

Can I hold a pregnancy past 26 weeks? Bleep no.

Would we love more kids? Abso&^%&nglutely.

Can my insides take another half bleeped pregnancy? Can I mentally take another half bleeped up pregnancy? I don't know, and I'm too bleeping scared to find out.

Am I angry right now? No. Sad? Yes. So sad, I actually cried and snuggled with my dog in bed as Tori watched Word World.

I should be blessed..Exstatic..content with what I have(Tori), but today I am sad. Like snotty nose, sad.

Hooray for Sunday dinner and the wonderful news that was shared!

I'm going to go sulk,now.

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (9) | Permalink

WHAT THE BLEEP...

Apr 19, 2012 04:06pm (EST)

You know, every year I mentally prepare myself for the months of May and June. I know they are coming, and I know what they represent.

The last few days I've been near tears for no apparent reason. That time of month? Maybe.

May 29th was his birthday, June 6th was his death day. No parent should have to say a death day. I'm down.

With our M4B's walk under two weeks a way, I'm even more sad, upset that I'm not getting the support I'm begging for. Like literally, begging. Crying.

I'm having a pity party for myself. That's right. By myself and for myself. No one else wants to join my party because it seems no one else cares....even immediate...IMMEDIATE family.

With that being said, I entered all of my cash and check donations in wrong and for what ever reason were not reflecting my totals on the M4B's site. I went in and fixed them last night and *drum roll*
I doubled my personal goal and am 20 dollars over my team goal.

I'm pretty geeked about that.

Love and Light to you and yours...

ps-if you see random thoughts coming out in my blog over the next month or so...bear with me please.

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (5) | Permalink

OH RASKAL...

Apr 17, 2012 11:02pm (EST)

Blah....My poor dog.

I took her to the vet yesterday because she is peeing in her sleep. They sent out her blood and urine for analysis and it came back today.

She's 13 years old.

Vet called to tell me her kidney's are shutting down and she has a kidney infection.

This is so horrible but, my dog is my life. I threw everything into this dog. I got her the week after my son died and she's been my baby since. If anything happens to her, I'm not sure what I'll do.

We've got her on antibiotics and I'm hoping this does something to improve the situation here. I know, I know, she's old, things like this happen, but it sucks none the less.

ALSO

I won't lie, I just freaked out on my DH for not supporting my M4B's AT ALL this year. He hasn't got one single dollar in donations. For that matter, no one from his family has brought in one single dollar. My 3 biggest fundraisers last year were him, his sister, and her husband. Her husband was the top 3rd walker in my area for pete's sake......

Makes me angry....whole thing makes me mad and sad....yick!

Love and Light to you-

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (2) | Permalink

BAH!

Apr 01, 2012 12:18am (EST)

Okay.

Today was our big fundraiser for M4B's.

I don't know if I should be happy or sad that we collected 173 dollars.

173 minus the 40 I put in for decor and games.

Why was it...I had the only table actually collecting for MY team? I had anything remotely visualizing and/or spreading the word of the MOD and/or SYS?!

I told my kids' story about 100 times today and I am so proud of myself for spreading the awareness of prematurity and infant death. I am proud of myself for Memorializing my son! Honoring my daughter!

I'm a little upset that I put as much effort into it making sure I represent the MOD as best as I can. Which I did. All Purple, Asking for donations on MOD wristbands, lapels, and my Pgh Steeler isolette covers. Donations to guess how many purple gumballs and /or 3 shades of purple M&M's....

A little upset that I made my kids the centerpieces of my layout with big butterflies that had the kid's stories in the butterflies. Everyone overlooked Mikey. Maybe because I brought Tori with us, and everyone was amazed at her.

I've told myself for over 2 years now, I will not accept pity for my children, yet today I feel like I did. I told my children's stories proudly! People looked at me, some with tears and some with this look of Yea right.!

Either way, I am so proud of my family today. We all connected on some level, which reminds me why I walk and talk for MOD/M4B.

Pic of Mike manning the table!

2012-03-31_10-36-55_98

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (5) | Permalink

STUPID LADY

Mar 29, 2012 03:00pm (EST)

Most of you know I've been battling Tori's weight for a while now. We've a nutritionist who has been coming for 10 weeks now. Tori has NOT gained any weight. Wait....let me rephrase. She started at 19 pounds 8 ounces, Tuesday she weighed 19 pounds 15 ounces.

In my eyes, instead of trying to give us nutritional ideas, menu's, ANYTHING...She keeps wanting to push prescriptions on Tori. 5 weeks in a row, she is telling me to put my daughter on Periactin. 5 weeks in a row, I have explained, my daughter has pulmonary issues I am not going to put her on an antihistamine.

We got into a heated debate about this and she told me "Obviously we are butting heads about this, which I don't want to do." I cancelled her services today.

Since day 1 she's been telling me to take Tori to Gastro and get her scoped and put her on this, that or the other. She got me to the point on Tuesday where I teared up, and said, obviously what I'm doing isn't working and called to make an appointment with gastro.

I rarely cry, this woman made me feel like such a horrible mother. How did I let another person, knock me down? She made me feel like such a failure to the point, I pointed out my failures lastnight to my mother in law. 1) I can't hold a pregnancy past 25 weeks. 2) I couldn't take care of my daughter for months after she was born. 3) I've already lost one kid. What kind of mother loses a child?! FAILURE!!!! I know I am not! I know I am a good mother. I also know my daughter.

I know my kid, lady. I'm not putting her on neocate, or periactin, or vital jr.....it's bad enough I have her on the duocal and pediasure.

Our pediatrition came highly recommended through our NICU staff and I trust him with Tori's life. I called him and he agreed with me. She is on her own growth chart and doesn't need something that will make her short and fat and have negative side effects on her pulmonary system.

I'm so sad/mad/pissed I let some lady(younger than me, with a perfectly healthy 3 year old that she boasts about often) knock me down a block. I stepped back up that block today. But I'm still very uneasy about this.

Also, we were at the pediatrition on Friday and his scale said 20.7pounds. *shrugs* I feel definite defeat on the weight issue of my daughter. For all I know, I'm the one making the issue of it.

Blah....stupid lady!

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (1) | Permalink

I'M FEELING DOWN.

Mar 07, 2012 10:15pm (EST)

hi.

Background

Mike and I have been organizing and getting rid of stuff we don't or haven't used in the past 5 years.

Yesterday, Tori was napping, and I decide to tackle a box of pictures and paperwork that hasn't been touched in years(over 5). I stumbled across a file that was labeled "Mikey".

I open it up and see that it is all of the receipts from the funeral home and cemetery. The picking of the headstone, the details of the headstone, the measurements of the plot...so on and so forth.

I thought to myself...No one should have to do this. No parent should have to do this. Why? Where does a parent get the strength to pick out a headstone, the design, the wording....How does a parent do this?

Where? Where do I bury my sweet son? Why do I have a map of a cemetery, showing open plots?

Is this why I am so immune to people dying? Is this why I seem heartless. Why people may think she is cold. No emotion. Just so cold hearted.

I'm not.

I've got a wall up that doesn't allow me to show certain emotions.

No parent should have to make decisions like the above mentioned.

Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (7) | Permalink

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