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MISSING PHOENIX

PHOENIX'S MOM

March 2010

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SEPTEMBER 13

Sep 13, 2008 05:52pm (EST)

I can't believe that it has been 3 years since Phoenix left us. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like so long ago. Today, I just feel lost. I am really trying to keep going today but my heart always skips a beat. We went to the cementary today to take flowers and to put Halloween decorations out. First, I look at my dad's headstone. It was 5 years ago last August since he past. I turn my focus to Phoenix's and I am fixated on the date and his name. It was really hard to get past that and to function. I put out a pumpkin that had bells on it. It was windy here so I was hoping that the wind would blow them (I don't know why but I just did). As I was telling Jeromy that I wished that the wind would blow them so that they would make noise, a big gust of wind came through and they made the slightest noise. Without thinking, I said, "thanks, baby." Jeromy looks at me with this weird look. I just told him that he wanted to make his mommy happy. Peace came over me for just a little bit.

We spent the morning watching coverage of Ike as if it were a soap opera. I did the same when Katrina hit (that was the same time the Phoenix was in the NICU). Watching the hurricane and the destruction took me back. As we were watching people wading out of the flooding waters, I thought back to the events of Phoenix's last day. It's not that I don't want to remember, I just don't want to deal. I want my thoughts today to be of him like he was in our favorite pictures (no vent, no tape, and no IV tubes). I want to see his big blue eyes and see him grabbing at everything. I want to see Phoenix just being Phoenix. I wish that it was as easy as it was to type it but it is something that we have to work on for the rest of our lives.

Mommy miss you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (13) | Permalink

"TIME FLIES...SO GO FIND IT!!"

Aug 26, 2008 09:21pm (EST)

That is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite cartoon character, Maxine. I love her humor. I went looking for time but all I could find was dust bunnies and spider webs around this blog. I have been gone for awhile but with good reason. I will have to catch you up on some things that have been going on. I won't tell you what page that I found my blog on (it's not a good number).

School is going well. In May, I finished A&P I. That class was a nightmare. It wasn't so much the material that we covered but the professor sucked. I was suppose to have one professor and at the last minute the school made a switch and I ended up with the worst professor ever. Let me tell you how bad it was. We had 10-15 pages of homework a night, reading the material, studing for exams, doing outlines of the chapters and writing papers (yes, I said papers for A&P I). On top of all that work, there was work to do in the lab portion. We started out with 40 people in the class. The day of the final, 6 people were taking the final and only 3 of them were passing. I made it out with a B. I was so glad that is over.

On my birthday weekend, we moved back to the city. Living in the country was nice and relaxing but I missed the city. Jeromy and I were driving into Louisville (about an hour away) 6 days a week EACH. It didn't make it easy on the wallet when gas went up. We were spending way too much for gas. I can't tell you how nice it is to go somewhere to eat and it only takes 5 minutes to get there or driving 15 minutes to work. I am a city girl at heart. I can't help that.

A week after we moved, summer school started. I took A&P II. It was 2 1/2 hours of class twice a week plus a 4 hour lab on Friday. I had the professor that I was suppose to have in the spring semester. She was wonderful and I learned so much from her. I made an A in that class and I can say that I am educated in the science of anatomy.

I had 13 days off of school. I have no idea what happen to those days. If anyone finds those days please return them to me. Now I am taking my last class before I apply to the nursing program. It is microbiology. I am excited for this class. So far it has been fun. I think this will be my favorite subject (please don't quote me on that). Maybe I should say so far so good.

Work is still going well. I am learning so much working in the hospital. The nusres that I work with will answer any question that I have. I stand back and watch them work. I am in total awe of them. They are truely amazing people.

I haven't had the time to tell you about the walk this year. I ran my family team, "Phoenix's Phamily" and I was one of the captains for the hospital team (let's not forget work and school). I had a lot of sleepless nights. It was fun walking with my family and some of the nurses from work. It was a side that you normal don't see. My older sister, Lisa, and I did Angel Avenue this year. We put a lot of work into it this year. I wanted to make it different and special for each of the families. We were up until 3am and we got up to go at 6am. But it was well worth it and I would do it again. I almost forgot...PHOENIX'S PHAMILY WON THE T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!!! It was special for my niece, Peyton. She told everyone around her that we won. Plus she got to model the shirt infront of everyone with the U of L cardinal. I tried to attach pictures of our shirt but it said that it was too big. I lost my blog that I typed before too, so I am typing this for the second time. As soon as I figure it out I will post the pictures of the shirt. I will have to say that it was the best one. Sorry, I had to pat myself on the back again.

I love to blog. When I am driving to who knows where, I think of blogs and I have them swirling in my head in hopes that I will get some time to type them out. So I need to empty my thoughts out of my head so I can learn more at school. I did take 30 minutes out of my day to get my haircut (it hasn't been cut since April). I have some beautiful flowers blooming at my new place but don't ask me what they smell like. I haven't had time to stop and smell them. LOL!!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Here are some pictures of Angel Avenue and Peyton modeling our shirt.

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (9) | Permalink

DEAR SANTA......

Dec 20, 2007 07:41pm (EST)

It's been a long time since I wrote the words "Dear Santa". While reading blogs, I wondered what I would say to the jolly fat man. Then I thought, how nice would that be if he was REAL. So I decided to go ahead a write a letter just in case he is real. I think that my letter would go something like this:

Dear Santa,

I am so sorry that I haven't written in awhile. I think that it has been 27 years since I wrote my last letter to you. There is just something about believing in a magical, all-knowing and jolly man that grants Christmas wishes to all of the good little boys and girls all over the world in one night. When I think of you, the words "if something is too good to be true than it probably is a hoax." With that thought I stopped believing. Some would say that I just grew up. There is a small piece of me that says that you ARE real. I WANT to believe again.

Christmas is different at my house. There is no chimney for you to slide down and there isn't a Christmas tree for you to place presents under. Our spirits are broken since we endured the loss of our son. With all of that aside, I am still hoping that you could grant me a Christmas wish. I wish for a white Christmas. I would love to wake up with a white blanket covering the ground and big flakes falling from the heavens. I want to feel the inner peace that snow brings. I want to sit on my couch, covered in a blanket while the ground is being showered with big white flakes.

I know that you are probably thinking that I am nuts for writing you and asking for snow. Maybe I am but it is the only Christmas wish that you can help me with. I won't tell you that I have been good and make up things to make me look like a better person. I think that you have expirence with making that judgment call. If I wake up Christmas morning and there is snow falling, I will know 3 things:
1. That I have been good all year.
2. That you ARE real (trust what is in your heart).
3. See picture below for number 3.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Next time I won't take 27 years to write again. Have a safe flight and tell Mrs. Clause I said hi and thank her for sharing you with the world.

Angi
The non-believer who wants to believe

Merry Christmas to everyone!!!!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (11) | Permalink

BACK IN THE NICU

Nov 20, 2007 11:50pm (EST)

I am going back in the NICU but this time it's a good thing. On Monday, I signed a job offer to be a nursery tech in the NICU. It's a part time position and I will be able to work around my school schedule. I start this Monday with hospital orientation. It is unreal how it all fell into place. I finished my CNA class in October and took my state test. The way that the CNA class fell, I couldn't take any other classes. I was in search for something to do. I've been on such a fast pace lately that it is killing me to slow down. One day I was looking on the internet for jobs in the hospital when I came across this one. It is at the same hospital that my older sister works. I called her to see if she knew anything about it and she told me that the woman that I helped with the walk efforts was in charge of that position. I e-mailed her and she told me about the position. I was so excited. I filled out the on-line application, interviewed, was offered the position and accepted the position with a big smile.

I won't be in the same hospital that Phoenix was in but it will be the same doctor's group that took care of him. This is the hospital that I said that I wanted to work when I graduated. I really look forward to seeing the doctors again. The ironic part about this position is my primary function in the unit. My primary function is mixing the formula. Two years ago, when I was researching NEC, there was a suspected link between formula and NEC (nothing was proven but there was a link because of the increased number of babies that were formula fed vs breast fed babies). I am looking forward to learning and I will soak up every bit of knowledge that I can.

On a different note, I am attaching some pictures from PAD. Our NICU Family Support Committee made pink and blue fleece blankets for the families in the NICU. We made about 32 of them. We rolled them up and tied them with pink and blue ribbon. It was a fun project. The last picture is me, Kelly and Mary Beth (our NICU Family Specialist).

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (15) | Permalink

IN DEBT!!!

Oct 03, 2007 09:05pm (EST)

I am in debt up to my eyeballs. But it isn't the debit that you are thinking about. It isn't financial debit that I am talking about. It is the good deed debt. Something happened the other day and it just got me to thinking. But this story comes with a warning: you may catch it or you may get the warm and fuzzies.

We live in the sticks. Well, there is no other way to put it. It is a small country town. When you pass so many corn fields and cow pastures that you lose count, you know that you are in the country. Anyway, there is a small general store that is no longer in business next to me. The store has been taken care of and it has that rustic look to it. I love that it is there. A week ago, we had a small cold front that was coming in. The skies were ice blue, there was a slight breeze and the sun was so bright. I looked out my window and thought that my eyes were playing tricks on me. It was raining but the sun was still out. I told Jeromy that it was raining. He asked me if I was serious. He looked out the window and started to laugh. When I looked out the window, I saw a man and woman on a motorcycle pull up to the store for shelter. They were soaked. Jeromy proceeds to say, as he walks out of the room, "that sucks!" Jeromy walked into the kitchen and starts looking through the cabinet. I knew what he was doing but he didn't unpack the kitchen. LOL!!! So I handed him a couple of hand towels. He walks out of the house and towards the people and says, "I think it is going to rain." The guy laughed and told him that he thought that he was right. Jeromy handed him the towel and spoke with them for awhile. They dried off, the rain stopped and they were on their way again.

I thought that was in the end of it until the other night. We were sitting on the porch enjoying the cool weather and up rides the motorcycle carrying the man and the woman. We heard the man say, "there he is." They stopped at the end of the driveway. Jeromy yells to the guy, "Nice night for a bike ride." The man agreed. The woman gets off the bike and brings a bag up to us. Jeromy whispered that they were bring the towel back. The woman thanked us for being so kind. She proceeds to tell us that they moved from the city and it was people like us that reminds her that they made the right choice. She said that we restored her faith in mankind and that you don't find people like us everywhere. I was kind of shocked. I thought, all we did was give them a towel to dry off with. The man thanked us again and drove off.

The bag contained a card and a gift. The card read:

The towel was much appreciated. Good deeds are always returned 10 fold. Many blessings for you guys.

The gift was a large pumpkin spice candle (one of my favorite scents). I couldn't believe what just happened.

Many good deeds were done for me over the last couple of years. Instead of giving something back to the person who did it for you, I past it on to someone else that was in need. So, I am in debt to everyone that has helped me in the last couple of years. I need to start a list but I don't want to cause a paper shortage.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (14) | Permalink

DON'T BLINK!!!

Sep 21, 2007 01:09am (EST)

I was driving home tonight and I heard a new song by Kenny Chesney called "Don't Blink". Well, I really didn't hear the song. I got hung up on the title. When I got home, I looked up the lyrics on the internet. Everytime I came across the words "Don't Blink", I just thought about the last two years. I thought about the short time that we had with Phoenix, the growth that I have expirence, desperately searching for knowledge and the fog that I have been in. I know that is a weird combination but that's me.

The 7 short weeks that we had with Phoenix felt like a blink. 7 weeks just isn't enough time. I still miss him dearly everyday. I still can see him in his "Bob the Builder" outfit and I can still see his big blue eyes. I learned the NICU schedules of meds, tests, and feedings. I soaked up every bit of knowledge that I could get while I was there. After we lost Phoenix, I was in search of answers, what happened, why did he come so early, what is wrong with me, what is NEC, and the big question of WHY? I was consumed. Well, I still am. I am a mother who wants answers.

I knew that I was in a fog. I still have a hard time with my nieces and nephew ages. Taylor will always be 7, Peyton will always be 5 and Kyle will always be 3 (I have blogged about this before). In reality, Taylor is 10, Peyton just turned 8 and Kyle just turned 5. This throws me for a loop everytime my sisters and I talk about their kids. I REALLY have to think about their ages. I knew I was living in 2005. I never denied that.

The other day, I was looking at some pictures on this site of the Share babies. A couple of them really shocked me. I honestly couldn't believe the changes in these children. They grew up infront of me and I didn't notice. I feel the same towards the children in my family. It is shocking to me. Really, I don't know why. All of these children are doing what they are suppose to be doing....they are growing up. So I asked, "Self, where have you been?" Yes, I talk to myself. I thought about Taylor, Peyton and Kyle. I thought about the changes that they have gone through. I thought about how I am going to lose my title of "tallest girl in the family" in the next couple of years. I thought about all of the activities that they are in and how I cry everytime I see them at one of their events.

So tonight as I was driving, I learned something about myself. I can say that I have been living in a fog all I want to but that is not the truth. It took me 2 years to realize this. Yet, once again I found myself in making excuses for myself. I'm not in a fog. I didn't blink. I just closed my eyes.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (17) | Permalink

THE DAY THAT THE WORLD STOPPED FOR ME

Sep 12, 2007 10:45pm (EST)

September 13 is the day that the world stopped for me. It has been 2 years since I held Phoenix, kissed him, loved on him, seen him, and been a mother to him. I can still remember every detail of that day like it was yesterday. I just can't believe that it has been that long. It has been 2 years or 730 days or 17520 hours. Only a mother would know that.

Even though I can't carry him physically, I have several things that I carry with me everyday that comforts me. I have my mother's ring, my bracelet that we ordered to replace our hospital bracelets, his pictures, and I have his pacifier that I carry in my purse. I also take comfort in the small things that lets me know that he is with me: Kisses from a machine last year, the angel from the florist, and the light that came on.

What will this Thursday bring? I don't know, we will have to wait and see. I do have to go to school but I have an "out" if I need it. I just get through his angel-versay as best as I can. I know that I will have a heavy heart, sadness, and tears. I am not going to dwell on the what if's. I want to have good thoughts of Phoenix running through me head. I miss him so much!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!

I have lots of pictures of Phoenix but few good ones that are in focus. But I wanted to share some of the ones that show his little personality.

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (30) | Permalink

MURPHY'S LAW

Sep 05, 2007 09:54pm (EST)

I think that I am living proof of Murphy's Law: "if something is going to happen, it will happen to me." I live by this. I am actually starting to believe it. It is pretty bad when your OB says that you are a perfect example of it. It has been backed by someone with a MD behind their name, so it must be true.

Let me tell you about my day on Tuesday. I got up at 6:00am to get ready because I had a lot to do. I jumped on the computer to e-mail a couple of friends about going out Friday night. Before I leave, I take the dogs out. Well, Blaze decides that he wants my towel from my counter. The dog likes to do things like that to me. Well I reach down to pick it up and then my hand was burning. He decided to go for the towel as well, so the back of my hand met his paw. He is a 75 pound dog that thinks he is still a puppy. So now I have a nice size scratch complete with bruising on the back of my hand. It is right on the bone of my first finger that extends from my wrist to my knuckle. There is no fat on the back of your hand and no protection for the veins either. NICE!!!!

I go to my doctors visit. I haven't seen him in awhile. He is my pulmonologist that I have been seeing for 10 years. He diagnosed me with asthma about that time. I loved him. He was always good to me. I thought it would be an easy visit. I wasn't having any trouble, I just needed refills on my meds. I take two inhalers. So the physician assistant comes in (routine) and starts asking me what happened with my son. I really didn't want to re-live it right then but she needed to know about the clotting issue (she was on vacation last time I was there). I tried to make it as short. Then she proceeds to tell me that I didn't look good. So I told her since I have been without my meds, I haven't been sleeping. I wake up every 4 hours coughing then I have to get up for awhile. I told her I just wanted some sleep. Everything was under control for the longest time. Please no peeps about what I was doing last year at the union. She listened to my lungs and told me that they sounded good. That was a plus. She took my BP (more on that later). She said that she was going to send me for PFT's. I really hate that test. So I was waiting for the doctor to come in to get my results. When he came in he told me that my breathing test was off of the charts. Then he goes on to say that he doesn't think that I have asthma. What?!!! He was the one that told me 10 years ago that I had it. Really, I have paid so much money to that practice and spend a lot of money on some very expensive meds. At this point I don't know if I should laugh or cry. He wanted to run another test "just to be sure". I went for the test and again I was waiting. He said that my lung capacity was excellent. He said that I either have a disorder with my vocal chords that allows them to open and close when they aren't suppose to or my allergies are so bad that I might need steroid shots every couple of months to control them. GREAT!!!! He gave me some samples of nasal spray which I have taken before (it didn't work for me) but I will humor him. At this point all I want is 8 hours of straight sleep. I would even take 5 or 6 right now.

Getting to the blood pressure. I have been off those meds for awhile now too. So, I ventured to ask what my blood pressure was. He said that it was 122/80. What?!! I don't get this either. My blood pressure is never that good even when I am taking meds. Nothing made sense. Don't get me wrong, I really don't want to take all of these meds but I don't understand what just happened. I have been on bp meds since I was 21 and it was tricky to get it under control. I have an appointment with my family doctor in 2 weeks and I will find out more then.

Right now, as it stands, I am cured of asthma and high blood pressure. I almost asked him if he would draw my blood to see if I am cured of MTHFR as well. That is a gene mutation on your DNA and there is no cure just treatment. I didn't push it. I am just tried and confused right now. I just don't know how I have been treated for something for 10 years and now its like I have never had it. Well we will just see what happens on my next visit in a month. All of this is just a little more than I can take in.

I really had an inspirational blog planned out but I couldn't get this out of my mind. I will post the blog that I had planned another day.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (8) | Permalink

COULD YOU PASS THE SALT, PLEASE?!!

Aug 28, 2007 07:57pm (EST)

"Bitter" was a word that good friend used to describe me. I really didn't need to hear that after the week that I had. Let me give you a little background. My grandmother has 5 grandchildren, in which she has 2 favorites, my older sister and my cousin (we will call her T). T's father died in a car accident at a very young age and my grandmother has done everything for her. I can understand why she did. She never wanted her to go without. T and I really don't get along. Well, T found out that she was pregnant with her 2nd child and no one told me. When she found out she was having a boy, no one told me. When she gave birth, no one told me. Really this is fine with me until last Monday. I had to get a ride to school from my grandmother. We were suppose to leave at 3pm but she called me at 9am asking me if I would ride to T's house because she is really sick and needs help with the baby.

The ride over there was very difficult to say the least. My grandmother told me her dying wish was to have holidays like we used to. She wanted everyone to come. So I asked her who doesn't come besides me. She said no one. I am the only one who chooses not to go. Can we say guilt trip?!!! I thought this would be it then she proceeds to go further. "I think that you should have another baby and to have another one, well, it just would fix everything." I thought that I was doing good during the healing process but I guess other people view it differently. Really, I didn't think that I needed to be "fixed". Really, grandma, could you open my wound a little further and pour some salt in it?

The day went from bad to worse. When we got there I had to endure my grandmother playing with the baby. I was trying to study for the test that I had that night. But all I could feel was a lump in my throat that was expanding by the minute. She gets the baby to bed and tells me that I needed to help her listen for him. So I asked her why. She says, "while she was giving birth to him, he swallowed some of his own poop. so they had to suck it all out and it did some damage, so he can't make any loud noises." Then T gets up after resting and proceeds to tell grandma that her son will need surgery on his throat. So with that, we left. Then on the way to school she said that kicker. "Can you imagine that little thing going in for surgery?" I just looked at her. I said, "No, I can't." Just a reminder Phoenix went in for NEC surgery just weighing 2 pounds. Grandma, I think that you missed a spot with the salt!!! Nothing else was said on the way to school. That set a good tone for the test that I cried through. I got a 96% on a test that I could barely read.

Getting back to the bitter part. I have been living with that day for awhile. I go to cut my friend's hair. He asked me what was wrong so I told him about it while fighting back the tears. What did he say? "Your so bitter. You have to move past this. Bitterness will make you old." Nice!!!! This is someone who I called a friend. This is someone who supported Jeromy and I emotionally since everything happened. With friends like that, who needs enemies? I really never saw myself as being bitter. Hurt maybe, but never bitter. He hasn't seen bitter yet!!! I think someone else missed a spot with the salt. Could someone please, pass the salt?!!

We are trying so hard to start fresh and these are the kinds of things that I am dealing with.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (16) | Permalink

JULY 21, 2007

Aug 21, 2007 11:15pm (EST)

It would have been Phoenix's second birthday. Well, it was also moving day for us. I felt bad for doing it on his birthday but it was kind of symbolic doing it on that day. Everything was packed except for one room. It was the room that we both avoided. It was the room that was mine growing up and it would have been Phoenix's room. There was no more putting it off, we had to face that room. I have to admit a couple of things that might sound bad. First, the clothes that we bought when we found out we were having a boy, were still hanging in the closet. I couldn't take them down. Really, it was hard for me to go in that room. The room stayed the way it was just before we lost him. Jeromy had taped off the room to paint and we sampled the paint on the wall. All of the toys that we bought were still in boxes and bags just like we just brought them home. That was hard to admit. But we both knew it was time to pack it away. So, we moved my second cedar chest (the first was full) into the room and I started filling it up. I looked at every piece of clothing as I placed it in the chest and cherished every toy. I had to stop several times to take breaks as I had tears flowing down my cheeks. I stepped outside to clear my hear and eyes so that I could look at the next item that was to be packed. That was a job that I wish I didn't have to do.

We had a couple of guys helping us with the big items. Well, it came down to the two cedar chest and no one acted like they wanted to touch them. One of the guys stepped up and helped Jeromy wrap them in blankets and load them onto the truck. He was very, very careful with both of them. I thanked him for being so gentle with them and he told me that I didn't have to thank him for that and he would make sure they made it there without a scratch. I looked up at him and I saw a tear gently rolling down his cheek. I don't think that I realized that our loss affected the guys so much. I totally missed that. When we got to the new house, the same guy climbed up into the truck and helped Jeromy unload both chests.

After a full day of moving, we were rushing to get to the cemetery before dark (I put out flowers for Phoenix and dad the day before). I looked at the clock and it was 9:17, the time he was born. How ironic was that? I noticed that his solar light wasn't on. I commented to Jeromy that we needed to get new batteries for the light. We bent down and said happy birthday. Jeromy asked if I thought if the terrible twos would have been that bad. Then he looked at the headstone and asked Phoenix if he would have been that terrible. Well, the solar light came on. I guess he got his answer. Jeromy looked at me and started to say something but I interrupted him to tell him that I seen it too. It was that very moment that I decided something. July 21 would not only be Phoenix's birthday, it was be a rebirth for us as well. We are getting a fresh start. I made a vow that I am getting rid of all the clutter. I do mean all of the clutter. The emotional, physical and the financial clutter. Its all going. All of the boxes that I didn't need are in the shed to go through when it gets cooler. I am working to get rid of the financial clutter. I am working through old emotions and trying to deal with new ones as they come up. This doesn't mean that I will forget about Phoenix, I could never do that. I want to change and it is time to change. I just hope I don't fall flat on my face doing it.

I wanted to thank everyone who called, e-mailed and sent cards. It really ment a lot to me and Jeromy. It was nice to know that I was thought of when I wasn't around.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (13) | Permalink

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