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Akeelah's Mommy

May 2013

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TWOFER

Jul 31, 2011 01:34am (EST)

There has been so much going on and the blogs have been piling up in my mind.

I got called back to work full time. I am bummed. I didn't pin myself for the stay at home type, but this year and a half has been wonderful. The time Micah and I have spent together has been priceless. Last week I left Micah for a whole day at his daycare... first time ever. It's our neighbor and we had been practicing going over there to play for a whole month. He did well. Only walked to the driveway and pointed to our house once. I did well- amazing what the brain will do to get you through a day. It's still the pits. Hopefully I'll be able to finagle a different part time position as I love the families I work with...

Today we took Micah to Sesame Street Live. He loved it. I cried. All the what should have beens. And the ease in which it took me to make Micah happy. What I would give to have had the opportunity to put a smile on Akeelah's face. And one of our seats... seat 27. It's just not fair.

These days continue to be filled with bittersweet moments.

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THAT FAMILIAR ACHE

Jul 16, 2011 02:40am (EST)

Grief is felt in the heart. It can sit there heavy as a ton of bricks. But today, that's not where it has set up camp. Today it is in my arms. And it's strange how that ache has changed. They don't ache to carry a baby. They know they should wrap around a three year old. My hands know better than to expect a small lil' face to cradle. They know. What a journey this is.

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GOOD TO THE LAST DROP

Jul 08, 2011 06:53pm (EST)

Just sharing a picture

Hard to believe we're coming up on 17 months!

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A BIRTHDAY & MY BABY BACK

Jul 08, 2011 01:09am (EST)

Akeelah's birthday was a celebration as always. We pack so much into the day. I feel every minute of it and it feels long. I feel thankful for the time we had. We woke up to Micah giving Akeelah's bare extra hugs, something which he doesn't do often so it was special. We sang happy birthday when she was born and found ourselves at a sacred site at the time she passed. It was beautiful, an angel mom couldn't ask for anything more, except, well you know.

Recently I've heard numerous stories about people getting loved ones back and they given me pause. Parents who gave their children up for adoption to meet them later, dogs found after a year... I'm so envious. I think I'm back at the bargaining stage of this journey. I would give anything, anything for one day in the future to see her again. The idea that somewhere in the next place we'll be together today doesn't give me peace. It still feels like we're being jipped.

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AND SO IT BEGINS AGAIN

Jun 21, 2011 06:31am (EST)

Three years ago we were at the hospital waiting to be medi-vac'd.

Wow, well, that's all I needed to type for one of "those" cries to find me. This year what I feel more than anything is sadness. I miss her so much. All of me misses her everywhere. It hurts all over.

While this year and last I didn't actively dread and re-live each what if as this week approached I could feel each milestone pass by. One can only hope to distract themselves so much. There are some experiences that leave an indelible scar on your very being, and these are them.

There is so much to do yet again for her birthday and I find myself paralyzed. There are letters with pre-term labor warning sign and infant loss books to go out, blankets to be made and delivered. And while there is peace in doing these things, there is also great sadness. These are not what any parent should do to prep for a daughter's birthday.

There will be cake, a dinner and a trip away from our home to our remote peaceful place. None of these things will fill the sadness that lives in my heart. Sadness that has set up permanent shop these days, especially as Micah took our three year old neighbor's hand to walk with her to the water table.

Thank you Share mommas for always being here. This was the blog, the cry I needed to let some of the sadness out.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink

SHOOK LOOSE

Jun 14, 2011 08:44am (EST)

I am a huge StoryCorps fan. It's an oral history project that travels the US capturing conversations between regular folk and archives them at the Library of Congress. When I heard that they were coming to our state I was over the moon.

Sunday a wonderful friend and I participated in the project. She recently lost her little one during her pregnancy. We spent our 40 minute interview talking about our kids. What its been like, how it's changed our friendship. It was amazing, healing. And to know that our stories, Akeelah and Adam's will be archived in the Library of Congress with their own Dewy Decimal number is just the coolest. My great grand kids grand kids will be able to hear me talk about my love for Akeelah. It's so permanent. I love it.

Aaaaaaaand it shook a lot of things loose. Memories about those weeks and days after Akeelah was born. Memories of how much it all hurt. I had forgotten about the first class I went back to. I had forgotten how alien it all felt, how I watched everyone laughing and going about the day so normally. I had forgotten about the cry I had on the drive home. One of those cries that comes from the deepest hurt you have.

I haven't had a cry like that... in probably over a year now. I wonder if I ever will again. I think there's a part of me that knows, that if I truly let all my guards down, I could cry like that right now. But I don't. Is that what progress is? What "better" is? You're better at keeping yourself all put together? I don't know.

Things feel shook loose. I suppose it's to be expected two weeks before Akeelah's 3rd birthday, amidst all the what ifs.

Big sigh.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink

HELLO MY NAME IS...

Jun 05, 2011 07:00am (EST)

Akilah.

Things have been so busy I didn't get a chance to post about this. While we were visiting family we hit up as many museums as possible.

At the Shedd Aquarium I went to change our 4D show tickets. I was making small talk and then glanced down at her name tag. I shook Lance's arm, "look, look!"

"You pronounce your name Akeelah?!.... That's our daughter's name!" I was excited in the moment. It was the first time I had run into an Akeelah. Micah was sleeping in his stroller, so she pointed to him and something to the effect of, "Aw another Akeelah." Assuming he was she. I let it go. Sometimes its nice to just be a normal mom to Akeelah, not an angel mom.

I asked how the name was for her and she confirmed she rarely ever runs into fellow Akeelah's. I take solace in that, because as we walked away both with tears in our eyes, it would be too much.

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OH JUNE...

Jun 02, 2011 06:48am (EST)

I know you're here. I know that soon, very soon I will go into countdown mode. I'll start watching that run away train and ache to stop it. Each day I'll wish to go back and as each closes and I realize once again the finality of 2008 I will feel that familiar weight of forever.

Oh June... June, June, June. What to do with you.

This was the picture on my daily calendar today... It's always been a favorite of mine. I now have it posted on my mirror... may I remember this the next 26 days...

worry

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink

SKYLIGHTS AND SMILES

May 06, 2011 09:37am (EST)

There's a skylight over our dining room table. Tonight as Micah and I were eating dinner he kept looking up, talking in his Micah-ese and laughing. Tears came easily as I wished to be seeing siblings amusing one another. Inside jokes for me to only wonder about.

The more likely scenario includes Micah and his reflection... but I'd like to think otherwise.

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STUCK

Apr 29, 2011 07:32am (EST)

Today is one of those days. Driving home I felt that familiar grief overwhelm me. Sometimes there's just no running from it. All the anger, the hurt just bubbles itself right back to the surface. That overwhelming sense that this lasts a lifetime knocks you down.

I hate that June is getting closer. I hate that there will be three candles waiting with no one to blow them out. I hate that I can't fix this. That today I can't muster what is needed to change my thinking and am stuck under this wave. I hate it here. It's useless time spent away from all the beauty I know exists because our lives were touched by our sweet girl.

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