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MISSING PHOENIX

PHOENIX'S MOM

September 2010

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Nov 25, 2008 11:36pm (EST)

I can't believe that the last time that I posted was in September. That post got me into a lot of trouble with some people in my family. Oh, well. I haven't had a lot of time since I came back from Share Union. We have been behind in our class since the massive wind storm came through here. In the last two weeks, I had the flu, pneumonia, 2 test and a project due. Now here we are two weeks before the semester ends and I have two more test in the last two weeks. I am at the point where I just want the class to end. I did take a night away and met Kelly Poooonnnnssllller and her friend at the boat. But what happens at the boat stays at the boat. I can tell you that we had lots of fun.

With not having much time, I can't seen to sit down and blog. It tears me up not to be able to pour my feelings out like I need to and it really tears me up not knowing what is going on in your lives as well. I was watching TV tonight (rare) and an advertisement came on for a movie. There was this quote that flashed on the screen and I couldn't get it out of my head. I rushed to the computer to see who originally said it but I really couldn't find it (or I didn't have the time to really look).

"LIFE IS NOT MEASURED IN MINUTES BUT IN MOMENTS"

My first thought was "how beautiful". I kept going over and over this saying in my head. My next thought was "how true is that?!!" If I measured Phoenix's life in minutes, it would be approx 70,560 minutes. When it comes to a lifetime, that isn't much. I probably could tell you what happened in everyone of those 70,560 minutes. If I really measured his life in minutes it would be really short. I would hate to compare that number to the number of minutes that I have been alive. I would make his 70,560 minutes seem like nothing. But in his 70,560 minutes, I was a first time mom that cheered on her son over every obstacle and crying at every set back. I wished every one of the 4,233,600 seconds that he would come home with us.

The moments that we had with Phoenix were timeless. If the world came to an end, while we were sitting there with him, it wouldn't have mattered. I remember each special moment as if it was yesterday. At each moment, time stood still for us. If I measured his life in moments, he would be an old man over 1,000,000 years old. It is amazing how many moments happen in 70,560 minutes. When life is cut so short, it is the 1,000,000 different moments that we hold onto and they get us through a tough day. I know in those 70,560 minutes, with having those 1,000,00 moments, his Mommy was the luckiest one of all. "It is the moments that matter most."

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Remember to make each moment count.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (11) | Permalink

FOREVER ETCHED

Sep 28, 2008 09:32pm (EST)

October 3, 2008, will be our 10th wedding anniversary. Ten years of wedded bliss or you can take Jeromy's version by remembering his saying of "husband years are like dog years but longer." Take whatever version you like but just know that it is a BIG anniversary. We've been discussing how we are going to spend this BIG day for us. Better yet, we've been discussing what we wanted to get each other to say thank you for spending your life with me. I had a clue as to what Jeromy was going to ask me for but not 100% for sure. So I put the question out there. His response was exactly what I expected it to be. I will quote, "I want a tattoo." My thought was confirmed. No problem. It was the answer to my next question that stopped me dead in my tracks. I asked him what kind of tattoo did he want. Please keep in mind that he has been toying with this idea of getting a tattoo for 13 years but could never settle on what he wanted. His response, "I want a portrait of Phoenix." My thought to myself, "oh, crap (that line was censored)."

The tattoo discussion ensued over the next few days. I talked him into something that would represent Phoenix. We looked all over the internet, books, and we tried to draw something (neither one of us is an artist). We came up with a few possible ideas but nothing put a spark in his eye like the portrait idea. I tried so desperately to talk him out of it. I wasn't trying to talk him out of the tattoo but only of the portrait. I was convinced that I wouldn't find someone to do our son justice. I just didn't want it to be a botch job. This is what he wanted so I had to make it happen.

The search was on for a tattoo artist that specialized in portraits. Anyone can say that they specialize in something but not really mean it. Not only was I looking for an artist but someone that also had a clean shop and was reliable. This whole idea made me nervous. I had to find someone not only to meet those simple standards but they had to handle my son's pictures with the most ultimate care. I HAD TO TRUST THEM!!! I needed help and encouragement so I called Colleen for a short conversation about it. She gave me some pointers and the search was on.

Usually with something like this, I would go back to the person who had inked me. But it was so long ago and I couldn't remember his name. I asked a couple of people about someone and only one name came up. I searched his shop one the internet. I found that his is the owner, rated one of the cleanest shops in the United States, and he specialized in portraits. I studied his portfolio backwards and forwards. We made the appointment to talk to Don, the tattoo artist. We took our two favorite pictures just for reference. We wanted to make some changes to Jeromy's favorite. We wanted to open the eyes more and remove the tubes. He made me feel so comfortable, that I even toyed with the idea. We set the appointment for just over a week later. Jeromy was so excited but I didn't want him to be disappointed.

Last Saturday was Jeromy's appointment. He showed us the changed picture and I was in shock. I wanted to cry. I was looking at my son with NO TUBES. I wanted to cry but I was excited at the same time. I watched for two hours as this amazing piece of art work took shape. I was in awe the whole time. After so much time past they would take a break. Don would look at us and say "just remember, it's not done yet." When I would look at it, I would think to myself, "how could it get any better?" But it only got better. It was life-like. I found the right person, I trusted the right person and Don did my son justice. I couldn't have asked for a better person to do this. My pictures that I took don't do the art work justice.

Thank you, Don. The tattoo is more than I ever expected. I couldn't have asked a better person to take on this tattoo. For the job that you've done, and the gift you gave my husband, I will be forever grateful!!!!

I have to say that I got a tattoo as well.

The pictures are as follows:
1. My favorite picture
2. Jeromy's favorite picture
3. Jeromy's tattoo
4. My tattoo

Just so you know, you can't really see it in the picture but Jeromy's tattoo was done in black and white and Phoenix has blue eyes.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Blue eyes

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (14) | Permalink

CROSSES ALONG THE ROAD

Sep 22, 2008 09:18pm (EST)

There is a section of the expressway, here in my town, that we travel frequently. There was something that I really haven't noticed before. I really don't know what made me notice them but I did. On a mile stretch of the expressway there are several crosses on the side (off in the grassy knoll). Well, to be exact, there are 5 crosses in a one mile stretch. If you travel from one end to another there are several more. Each cross marking where someone lost their life. At first, it was just a cross. Three years ago, I realized that each of these crosses represented a person. They were someone's daughter, son, sister, brother, mother or father. These were people's lives.

I've studied these crosses (at a high rate of speed). But with each time I pass these crosses I always notice something different. Some of them have a picture of the person blowing gently with each passing car. Some are painted with the person's favorite color, or favorite team color with the team name down the front of them. Some are just painted white with the name of the person painted in black with a wreath hanging from them.

Each cross consist of not only a life but a story of what happened to this person. Some stories you hear about on the news, and there are some that you don't hear about at all. Who controls that? Each story should be known. Each life matters.

Last weekend, my mind ran away from me. I was thinking, if I had to make a cross for Phoenix what would it look like? I thought about it for hours. I only came up with a basic idea. His cross would be baby blue, his name would be in white. I know that I would hang a wreath of white daisies with his picture in the middle. As for a favorite team, hobbies, or color, they would be left out as we didn't get to know what those would be.

Phoenix never got to see his home or his room. He lived his 7 precious weeks in the hospital. He was only outside the hospital one time and that was when he was transferred to another hospital. He never got to feel the sun beaming on his face. You may ask if Phoenix's cross would be placed at the hospital? The answer to that question would be no. I thought about it and in a moment, one short moment, I came up with the answer to the location. In fact, it was the easiest one that I answered. His cross already has a location.....it is forever etched on my heart!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (9) | Permalink

SEPTEMBER 13

Sep 13, 2008 05:52pm (EST)

I can't believe that it has been 3 years since Phoenix left us. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like so long ago. Today, I just feel lost. I am really trying to keep going today but my heart always skips a beat. We went to the cementary today to take flowers and to put Halloween decorations out. First, I look at my dad's headstone. It was 5 years ago last August since he past. I turn my focus to Phoenix's and I am fixated on the date and his name. It was really hard to get past that and to function. I put out a pumpkin that had bells on it. It was windy here so I was hoping that the wind would blow them (I don't know why but I just did). As I was telling Jeromy that I wished that the wind would blow them so that they would make noise, a big gust of wind came through and they made the slightest noise. Without thinking, I said, "thanks, baby." Jeromy looks at me with this weird look. I just told him that he wanted to make his mommy happy. Peace came over me for just a little bit.

We spent the morning watching coverage of Ike as if it were a soap opera. I did the same when Katrina hit (that was the same time the Phoenix was in the NICU). Watching the hurricane and the destruction took me back. As we were watching people wading out of the flooding waters, I thought back to the events of Phoenix's last day. It's not that I don't want to remember, I just don't want to deal. I want my thoughts today to be of him like he was in our favorite pictures (no vent, no tape, and no IV tubes). I want to see his big blue eyes and see him grabbing at everything. I want to see Phoenix just being Phoenix. I wish that it was as easy as it was to type it but it is something that we have to work on for the rest of our lives.

Mommy miss you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (13) | Permalink

"TIME FLIES...SO GO FIND IT!!"

Aug 26, 2008 09:21pm (EST)

That is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite cartoon character, Maxine. I love her humor. I went looking for time but all I could find was dust bunnies and spider webs around this blog. I have been gone for awhile but with good reason. I will have to catch you up on some things that have been going on. I won't tell you what page that I found my blog on (it's not a good number).

School is going well. In May, I finished A&P I. That class was a nightmare. It wasn't so much the material that we covered but the professor sucked. I was suppose to have one professor and at the last minute the school made a switch and I ended up with the worst professor ever. Let me tell you how bad it was. We had 10-15 pages of homework a night, reading the material, studing for exams, doing outlines of the chapters and writing papers (yes, I said papers for A&P I). On top of all that work, there was work to do in the lab portion. We started out with 40 people in the class. The day of the final, 6 people were taking the final and only 3 of them were passing. I made it out with a B. I was so glad that is over.

On my birthday weekend, we moved back to the city. Living in the country was nice and relaxing but I missed the city. Jeromy and I were driving into Louisville (about an hour away) 6 days a week EACH. It didn't make it easy on the wallet when gas went up. We were spending way too much for gas. I can't tell you how nice it is to go somewhere to eat and it only takes 5 minutes to get there or driving 15 minutes to work. I am a city girl at heart. I can't help that.

A week after we moved, summer school started. I took A&P II. It was 2 1/2 hours of class twice a week plus a 4 hour lab on Friday. I had the professor that I was suppose to have in the spring semester. She was wonderful and I learned so much from her. I made an A in that class and I can say that I am educated in the science of anatomy.

I had 13 days off of school. I have no idea what happen to those days. If anyone finds those days please return them to me. Now I am taking my last class before I apply to the nursing program. It is microbiology. I am excited for this class. So far it has been fun. I think this will be my favorite subject (please don't quote me on that). Maybe I should say so far so good.

Work is still going well. I am learning so much working in the hospital. The nusres that I work with will answer any question that I have. I stand back and watch them work. I am in total awe of them. They are truely amazing people.

I haven't had the time to tell you about the walk this year. I ran my family team, "Phoenix's Phamily" and I was one of the captains for the hospital team (let's not forget work and school). I had a lot of sleepless nights. It was fun walking with my family and some of the nurses from work. It was a side that you normal don't see. My older sister, Lisa, and I did Angel Avenue this year. We put a lot of work into it this year. I wanted to make it different and special for each of the families. We were up until 3am and we got up to go at 6am. But it was well worth it and I would do it again. I almost forgot...PHOENIX'S PHAMILY WON THE T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!!! It was special for my niece, Peyton. She told everyone around her that we won. Plus she got to model the shirt infront of everyone with the U of L cardinal. I tried to attach pictures of our shirt but it said that it was too big. I lost my blog that I typed before too, so I am typing this for the second time. As soon as I figure it out I will post the pictures of the shirt. I will have to say that it was the best one. Sorry, I had to pat myself on the back again.

I love to blog. When I am driving to who knows where, I think of blogs and I have them swirling in my head in hopes that I will get some time to type them out. So I need to empty my thoughts out of my head so I can learn more at school. I did take 30 minutes out of my day to get my haircut (it hasn't been cut since April). I have some beautiful flowers blooming at my new place but don't ask me what they smell like. I haven't had time to stop and smell them. LOL!!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Here are some pictures of Angel Avenue and Peyton modeling our shirt.

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (9) | Permalink

DEAR SANTA......

Dec 20, 2007 07:41pm (EST)

It's been a long time since I wrote the words "Dear Santa". While reading blogs, I wondered what I would say to the jolly fat man. Then I thought, how nice would that be if he was REAL. So I decided to go ahead a write a letter just in case he is real. I think that my letter would go something like this:

Dear Santa,

I am so sorry that I haven't written in awhile. I think that it has been 27 years since I wrote my last letter to you. There is just something about believing in a magical, all-knowing and jolly man that grants Christmas wishes to all of the good little boys and girls all over the world in one night. When I think of you, the words "if something is too good to be true than it probably is a hoax." With that thought I stopped believing. Some would say that I just grew up. There is a small piece of me that says that you ARE real. I WANT to believe again.

Christmas is different at my house. There is no chimney for you to slide down and there isn't a Christmas tree for you to place presents under. Our spirits are broken since we endured the loss of our son. With all of that aside, I am still hoping that you could grant me a Christmas wish. I wish for a white Christmas. I would love to wake up with a white blanket covering the ground and big flakes falling from the heavens. I want to feel the inner peace that snow brings. I want to sit on my couch, covered in a blanket while the ground is being showered with big white flakes.

I know that you are probably thinking that I am nuts for writing you and asking for snow. Maybe I am but it is the only Christmas wish that you can help me with. I won't tell you that I have been good and make up things to make me look like a better person. I think that you have expirence with making that judgment call. If I wake up Christmas morning and there is snow falling, I will know 3 things:
1. That I have been good all year.
2. That you ARE real (trust what is in your heart).
3. See picture below for number 3.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Next time I won't take 27 years to write again. Have a safe flight and tell Mrs. Clause I said hi and thank her for sharing you with the world.

Angi
The non-believer who wants to believe

Merry Christmas to everyone!!!!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (11) | Permalink

BACK IN THE NICU

Nov 20, 2007 11:50pm (EST)

I am going back in the NICU but this time it's a good thing. On Monday, I signed a job offer to be a nursery tech in the NICU. It's a part time position and I will be able to work around my school schedule. I start this Monday with hospital orientation. It is unreal how it all fell into place. I finished my CNA class in October and took my state test. The way that the CNA class fell, I couldn't take any other classes. I was in search for something to do. I've been on such a fast pace lately that it is killing me to slow down. One day I was looking on the internet for jobs in the hospital when I came across this one. It is at the same hospital that my older sister works. I called her to see if she knew anything about it and she told me that the woman that I helped with the walk efforts was in charge of that position. I e-mailed her and she told me about the position. I was so excited. I filled out the on-line application, interviewed, was offered the position and accepted the position with a big smile.

I won't be in the same hospital that Phoenix was in but it will be the same doctor's group that took care of him. This is the hospital that I said that I wanted to work when I graduated. I really look forward to seeing the doctors again. The ironic part about this position is my primary function in the unit. My primary function is mixing the formula. Two years ago, when I was researching NEC, there was a suspected link between formula and NEC (nothing was proven but there was a link because of the increased number of babies that were formula fed vs breast fed babies). I am looking forward to learning and I will soak up every bit of knowledge that I can.

On a different note, I am attaching some pictures from PAD. Our NICU Family Support Committee made pink and blue fleece blankets for the families in the NICU. We made about 32 of them. We rolled them up and tied them with pink and blue ribbon. It was a fun project. The last picture is me, Kelly and Mary Beth (our NICU Family Specialist).

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (15) | Permalink

IN DEBT!!!

Oct 03, 2007 09:05pm (EST)

I am in debt up to my eyeballs. But it isn't the debit that you are thinking about. It isn't financial debit that I am talking about. It is the good deed debt. Something happened the other day and it just got me to thinking. But this story comes with a warning: you may catch it or you may get the warm and fuzzies.

We live in the sticks. Well, there is no other way to put it. It is a small country town. When you pass so many corn fields and cow pastures that you lose count, you know that you are in the country. Anyway, there is a small general store that is no longer in business next to me. The store has been taken care of and it has that rustic look to it. I love that it is there. A week ago, we had a small cold front that was coming in. The skies were ice blue, there was a slight breeze and the sun was so bright. I looked out my window and thought that my eyes were playing tricks on me. It was raining but the sun was still out. I told Jeromy that it was raining. He asked me if I was serious. He looked out the window and started to laugh. When I looked out the window, I saw a man and woman on a motorcycle pull up to the store for shelter. They were soaked. Jeromy proceeds to say, as he walks out of the room, "that sucks!" Jeromy walked into the kitchen and starts looking through the cabinet. I knew what he was doing but he didn't unpack the kitchen. LOL!!! So I handed him a couple of hand towels. He walks out of the house and towards the people and says, "I think it is going to rain." The guy laughed and told him that he thought that he was right. Jeromy handed him the towel and spoke with them for awhile. They dried off, the rain stopped and they were on their way again.

I thought that was in the end of it until the other night. We were sitting on the porch enjoying the cool weather and up rides the motorcycle carrying the man and the woman. We heard the man say, "there he is." They stopped at the end of the driveway. Jeromy yells to the guy, "Nice night for a bike ride." The man agreed. The woman gets off the bike and brings a bag up to us. Jeromy whispered that they were bring the towel back. The woman thanked us for being so kind. She proceeds to tell us that they moved from the city and it was people like us that reminds her that they made the right choice. She said that we restored her faith in mankind and that you don't find people like us everywhere. I was kind of shocked. I thought, all we did was give them a towel to dry off with. The man thanked us again and drove off.

The bag contained a card and a gift. The card read:

The towel was much appreciated. Good deeds are always returned 10 fold. Many blessings for you guys.

The gift was a large pumpkin spice candle (one of my favorite scents). I couldn't believe what just happened.

Many good deeds were done for me over the last couple of years. Instead of giving something back to the person who did it for you, I past it on to someone else that was in need. So, I am in debt to everyone that has helped me in the last couple of years. I need to start a list but I don't want to cause a paper shortage.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (14) | Permalink

DON'T BLINK!!!

Sep 21, 2007 01:09am (EST)

I was driving home tonight and I heard a new song by Kenny Chesney called "Don't Blink". Well, I really didn't hear the song. I got hung up on the title. When I got home, I looked up the lyrics on the internet. Everytime I came across the words "Don't Blink", I just thought about the last two years. I thought about the short time that we had with Phoenix, the growth that I have expirence, desperately searching for knowledge and the fog that I have been in. I know that is a weird combination but that's me.

The 7 short weeks that we had with Phoenix felt like a blink. 7 weeks just isn't enough time. I still miss him dearly everyday. I still can see him in his "Bob the Builder" outfit and I can still see his big blue eyes. I learned the NICU schedules of meds, tests, and feedings. I soaked up every bit of knowledge that I could get while I was there. After we lost Phoenix, I was in search of answers, what happened, why did he come so early, what is wrong with me, what is NEC, and the big question of WHY? I was consumed. Well, I still am. I am a mother who wants answers.

I knew that I was in a fog. I still have a hard time with my nieces and nephew ages. Taylor will always be 7, Peyton will always be 5 and Kyle will always be 3 (I have blogged about this before). In reality, Taylor is 10, Peyton just turned 8 and Kyle just turned 5. This throws me for a loop everytime my sisters and I talk about their kids. I REALLY have to think about their ages. I knew I was living in 2005. I never denied that.

The other day, I was looking at some pictures on this site of the Share babies. A couple of them really shocked me. I honestly couldn't believe the changes in these children. They grew up infront of me and I didn't notice. I feel the same towards the children in my family. It is shocking to me. Really, I don't know why. All of these children are doing what they are suppose to be doing....they are growing up. So I asked, "Self, where have you been?" Yes, I talk to myself. I thought about Taylor, Peyton and Kyle. I thought about the changes that they have gone through. I thought about how I am going to lose my title of "tallest girl in the family" in the next couple of years. I thought about all of the activities that they are in and how I cry everytime I see them at one of their events.

So tonight as I was driving, I learned something about myself. I can say that I have been living in a fog all I want to but that is not the truth. It took me 2 years to realize this. Yet, once again I found myself in making excuses for myself. I'm not in a fog. I didn't blink. I just closed my eyes.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (17) | Permalink

THE DAY THAT THE WORLD STOPPED FOR ME

Sep 12, 2007 10:45pm (EST)

September 13 is the day that the world stopped for me. It has been 2 years since I held Phoenix, kissed him, loved on him, seen him, and been a mother to him. I can still remember every detail of that day like it was yesterday. I just can't believe that it has been that long. It has been 2 years or 730 days or 17520 hours. Only a mother would know that.

Even though I can't carry him physically, I have several things that I carry with me everyday that comforts me. I have my mother's ring, my bracelet that we ordered to replace our hospital bracelets, his pictures, and I have his pacifier that I carry in my purse. I also take comfort in the small things that lets me know that he is with me: Kisses from a machine last year, the angel from the florist, and the light that came on.

What will this Thursday bring? I don't know, we will have to wait and see. I do have to go to school but I have an "out" if I need it. I just get through his angel-versay as best as I can. I know that I will have a heavy heart, sadness, and tears. I am not going to dwell on the what if's. I want to have good thoughts of Phoenix running through me head. I miss him so much!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!

I have lots of pictures of Phoenix but few good ones that are in focus. But I wanted to share some of the ones that show his little personality.

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (30) | Permalink

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