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SHAY'S JOURNAL

Mommy of angel Shiloh

May 2013

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2ND PREGNANCY LIFE

Oct 22, 2011 08:31pm (EST)

Wow i cant believe how well things have been progressing & how i only have about a month left! All praise to God.

Its been an emotional rollercoaster but I feel stronger for it..I find myself thinking more about Shiloh since its almost that time.

Im losing sleep though 1) Back to back pregnancies have a toll on your body plus he has already surpassed what Shiloh weighed at her birth.
2) Im anxious about L&D. Im delivering no where near where I did before..they catered to all my needs because they knew what I was going through. So EVERYTHINGS new.

But that comes with the territory I guess. Im excited and still scared lol but hopfull.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

UNCOMFORTABLE PHASE

Oct 02, 2011 10:01pm (EST)

This pregnancy has been going so well & I've gotten use to the fact that its actually possible for things to be normal,

Now that my nephew has finally entered this world I am in a WHOLE NEW spin of emotions. Im doing so much better than I thought I would but boy I feel out of place..

But Im also glad that his here before my baby is here because Ive realized it will be a new emotions to come..I guess I will have to take it slow & accept this uncomfortable phase.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU?

Sep 07, 2011 12:44pm (EST)

I'm at this point where I realized I have to start progressing for myself. I've shutdown in a lot of ways since Shiloh passed. I had a long talk with my dad & he said something that I'm holding on to : Shiloh is taken care of, she is good...shes waitin for us. Now it's time for you to work on you.

And he's right.

So I was just wondering what are some things you guys do to not let go but to transition into a new life ??

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TWO LIVES TO LIVE

Aug 13, 2011 09:23am (EST)

sometimes I wish God could see that I'm really not as strong as a person that he thinks I am. Maybe my life would be different.

I had to grow up so fast after from being pregnant to graduating highschool to losing a child...im not even 20 yet. I've lost so many friends, I really don't have any. And it hurts, I guess I just realized today how much it hurts.

I feel like my fam forgets my life & by that I mean what a struggle it still is to try to get through the day
I think losing your own flesh and blood is the worse possible thing that can happen. You feel empty and completely defeated and so I know now why I feel so "weak" around everybody else
(which is good) because for the life of me didnt understand why.
sometimes I have days where it doesn't feel like that was "me" who lost a child that was a whole different me. I just wish I was understood sometimes.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

LATE NIGHT

Aug 02, 2011 07:56am (EST)

Can't sleep lately, had flash backs of the days leading up to Shilohs birth. It's crazy because I've never vividly thought about those days.

Sat in the bathroom & cried for a good half hour, talking out loud, blowing my nose..refreshing. Refreshing.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (5) | Permalink

ALLOWING ME TO BE ME

Jul 30, 2011 10:02pm (EST)

Ive been accepting alot of things lately. And its been a struggle (naturally).

I read this book..from my library on losing a child and it really helps to put things in "order".

Since Ive been pregnant w Christian ive accepted that the moments that I will have with him I wont ever have with Shiloh.

Im finding out that for myself even though she's not here physically it'll help me to see pictures of her. So i made a collage of pics from the hospital, and the other half will be of Christian's pic when he gets here. I even plan to get her face tattoo'd later on.
Ive also come to terms that I have TWO children.

Its crazy because now..i can look at her pics and think SHE was mine and SHE was here at one point and NOT stop myself from crying, im trying to cry as much as I need to.

My relationship w my sis has gotten better for the most part. We get along and that has to do alot with her i guess since shes learning more about life some of her immature ways have left. but i still feel bitter because i feel like she could have been there a lot more for me being my older sis ,So thats something I pray on.

Ive been losing a lot of sleep lately, it reminds me of when i first started grieving..but what i figured out from that book was up until 3 months after Shiloh passed I was numb to the reality of everything. And now im doing it right..its been hard. My internal struggles are the worse part. I never had to deal woth my own emotions and now i get paranoid in public, intimidated,the smallest let downs leave me depressed, I always feel defeated before I even start something. I've been praying on the that & talking to my counsler. I know I have a long way to go but sometimes i feel like im taking steps back but i know theres no right way of doing this thing! My relationship with God im doing my best to rebuild. I guess im rebuilding my life and it scary ya know lol real scary

Thats where my minds been so far

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

SHILOH'S GARDEN

Jun 21, 2011 03:44am (EST)

My Dad surprised me with these "forget-me-not" flower seeds. He picked them up from the memorial service and I didn't even know it. We planted it today, it was nice. Shilohs little garden.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

NO PEACE

Jun 11, 2011 11:27am (EST)

I started staying with my mom & dad recently my older sister has moved in too. Things have been extra hard lately, emotionally wise with me missing Shiloh and this new pregnancy bringing up memories.

Ever since my sis moved back in im growing less and less to enjoy seeing and being around her. When she moved in she lives as if everything is normal mainly me, we argue everyday and my peace is gone. ive already talked to her about it and there is only so much strength i have right now.

And i feel like every since Shiloh passed she has not been there for me. She didnt even come to Shilohs memorial service.
Right now we are not speaking and how ridicoulous is that when we live in the same house.

I do not have the strength to argue anymore, to try to explain anything to her over again and frankly enough is enough.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

STUCK

May 29, 2011 12:23am (EST)

I don't know how to go about working..i tried working but in my mind I basically was living two different lifes. It's like when I get around people I might as well be saying oh nothing happened just do the same thing you use to do but I can't do that. I continuously get upset because I need money & at home, I mention how difficult it is for me to be around people they take it so light as if I just don't like people but they don't understand it makes me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo frustrated. I get so paranoid around people it's really draining, I keep wondering if that feeling is normal but greiving is not normal to me so I just try not to figure out what's next or why this is going on. It's just difficult when no one around gets it.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

BOOKS?

May 03, 2011 11:39pm (EST)

have any of you read or heard of any good books to read on coping with infant loss? I've been needing some positive words.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

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