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THE BEAN

Valerie Nelson

June 2013

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SO TOUCHED

Sep 21, 2009 11:25pm (EST)

The last several weeks, *many* people - most of whom I barely know - have commented on or asked about Caitlyn. Folks have noticed the signature on my e-mail, a favorite quote and this blog address, or have asked as a result of the volunteer work I'm doing.

Now, I always love talking about my daughter - what mom doesn't cherish the opportunity to brag about her children, right?! But, I have been simply amazed by the kindness of strangers lately, after feeling like such an outsider to the "mom's club" for so long. Usually, I have to quickly decide if I choose to share Caitlyn's story with some unsuspecting and perhaps well-intended but completely insensitive person who comments that I need a girl to balance our two boys. It has felt so welcoming and comforting to be *asked* about Caitlyn, by folks who have not lost children and could therefore never-in-their-worst-nightmares begin to understand the grief that too many of us know.

I use that wording to emphasize the unique, unimaginable pain that parents feel when their child dies, but also to exaggerate, just a bit, how I have become rather jaded when talking about Caitlyn with most people (because...*most* people haven't experienced such pain). For four years, now, I have endured - as surely many of you reading this have - the gaping jaws, stammering words and abruptly-ended conversations that immediately follow the mention of my daughter...my angel. That is a most unsettling, hurtful and lonely situation - watching someone become so uncomfortable about a person so incredibly important to me.

I don't know why so many people seemed to have noticed Caitlyn recently, but I certainly appreciate it. I've said it many times before - I really feel that having others remember her makes me feel closer to her. It reaffirms the fact that she *really* was here. She was a real person. She touched many hearts. She changed my life in ways that I can't even put into words.

I don't pretend to know how other parents feel about losing their children, but I suspect that this is a common feeling. I am so thankful for the continued support I receive from friends and on this forum, even when months pass between my writings. The kind words left on Caitlyn's birthday were truly uplifting to me - Thank you to each of you who read about her. It was evident to me that those words were not merely platitudes, but heartfelt and sincere. Thank you to each of you "friends-of-friends" who pass your well-wishes on long-distance. Know that every one of you has helped me feel more like a mother to my daughter.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (3) | Permalink

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEAN

Sep 15, 2009 04:01pm (EST)

Today is Caitlyn's fourth birthday. Yet again, I find myself saying "I can't believe so much time has passed." And, yet again, I have to admit that yes, yes it has.

For a couple of weeks, the word "looming" has been on my mind - as in her birthday / death cycle has been looming ominously...Yet another year that I will bake a birthday cake and write a birthday card and buy birthday flowers for my baby girl who will not get to enjoy them. But yet, it is something I feel that I need to do. I get frustrated to hear people say "This *would be* her birthday"...To me, this day will *always* be her birthday, as it is the anniversary of the day she was born...pretty straightforward, isn't it? I think I also *need* it to be her birthday, though...It helps me feel close to her...It reaffirms her existence on this planet. That is something that, as a mother without her baby in her arms, I need.

I have the opportunity to work with a team of infant health non-profit and medical professionals to develop documentation for parents and training for NICU staff regarding end of life decisions for neonates. That happened to be how I spent this morning - in a meeting. And, as much as I just wanted to stay in bed (it is a chilly, grey, rainy day here in London, so that did not help to motivate me this morning!), I am thankful to participate in this endeavor, in Caitlyn's name. The outreach will be distributed nationally, and it is an issue that needs much attention. And, I think it was a fitting way to spend my time.

Her brothers know about her and know that today is her birthday - as they get older, they will know more. She *is* their sister. Tonight, we will dedicate dinner to the Bean and have some birthday muffins in her memory. And, in a few short weeks, we will again remember the grey, rainy day in DC when she died. Time is passing too quickly, no matter how hard I would like to hold on to it.

Happy birthday, my precious baby girl. You have changed my life forever. I miss you. I love you.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (9) | Permalink

THE SAME OL' STORY

Jul 07, 2009 08:50pm (EST)

I've been volunteering with the special care baby charity here in the UK for some months, now, and I'm beginning to know the staff and "ins and outs" of these NICU's. During my conversations with some parents last week, I immediately heard the same concerns, worries, questions, angers and jealousies that I, myself, felt for so long after Caitlyn's birth and death.

One mom, standing by her daughter's incubator, wrung her hands as the nurse cared for the baby and tried to hold back tears in her eyes. Her fear was palpable. Others wondered if they would ever be "normal" again, after this terrifying experience. I did my best to explain my new definition of life after the NICU (and, in my case, leaving without my daughter) and offer assurance that they will find a new "normal". But, it breaks my heart to see these parents facing this fear. And, it is even worse to know that there truly aren't any words to make it better for them.

I'm missing The Bean more lately...surely because of this work. And, even though it is fulfilling to me and I truly hope to make a difference for parents - to offer some support that Hart and I didn't have - and even though I feel I'm doing something positive in memory of Caitlyn, in some ways it brings my pain to the surface again. I don't know how to partition it. I miss her.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (4) | Permalink

NOW WHAT?

May 31, 2009 09:49pm (EST)

Our walk went quite well this weekend. We had twenty people join us as we walked through two of the Royal Parks in London and returned to our home for a party. The weather was a fabulous, sunny, warm day. We really couldn't have asked for a nicer day.

Last week seemed like such a blur, as I put all of the finishing touches on the event. I wanted the day to be as perfect as possible, and I spent too many late nights and early mornings planning and cooking. (grin) But, it was worth it. We seemed to have made an impact and touched some hearts, and people are certainly more aware of the effects of prematurity.

Despite how tired and stressed I made myself (smile), it felt good to organize the day. After everyone left yesterday afternoon and we put the boys to bed for naps, I actually fell asleep on the couch. I *never* take naps. I actually sat down to watch a program with Hart, but that apparently didn't last long. lol I felt as if my body just sank into the couch - as if all the stress had suddenly left because the event was completed. It was really an odd sensation. Then, I began to think "Now, what?" Life has been so busy for weeks and weeks, now, and the calendar is still full through the Fall...But, this was the most important, personal and meaningful item on the agenda. That is surely why it took such effort (again, even if I brought it on, myself!). The other "to-do's" are simply tasks or work that, even though might be volunteer work with the UK prematurity charity and dear to my heart, just doesn't seem to take the same "toll" on me.

What will I devote my focus to, now? What will I do with this seemingly spare time? Logically, of course, I know that I won't really have that spare time - it will be filled with the to-do's and certainly with time spent with my two favorite little boys (smile). But, it *feels* like I should have some next project that focuses on Caitlyn. I'm not sure that any of that makes sense. (smile)

Here is the link to the video I made for walk this year. I don't know how many times I've watched it...If only I had more than pictures of her.

I love you, Bean.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=8cdb3d0b2af04ed17442a4&skin_id=601&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (4) | Permalink

VERY BUSY WEEK

May 18, 2009 08:39am (EST)

Last week, I entered a NICU for the first time since Caitlyn died...nearly 4 years ago. I am volunteering with an organization with the same mission in the UK as MOD in the US, and I have found a great deal of comfort in having the opportunity to be involved in this way again. Part of my role is to liaison with the staff and parents to ensure families have the emotional support and services they need as well as medical care for their babies. I was rather apprehensive about the work, even though I really wanted to do it...I simply didn't know what to expect from my reaction. But, I found that I was energized rather than despaired. As I continue working with the units, I'll spend more time with families, so I expect some days will be really emotionally draining. But, I sure hope that I can help support these families. Hart and I didn't have any support while Caitlyn was in the NICU, nor immediately after she died, and I now know what a huge difference it can make.

And...we just celebrated Tyler's first birthday this weekend. I cannot believe that much time has passed. (How many times have I said that recently?!) I'm so thankful he arrived at full term and healthy, though most days, I still feel like it was pure luck. The emotions of losing Caitlyn have surfaced a bit, again, just because I wish she had been here to celebrate with us. It's that longing, wishful feeling of missing the "what should have been." I know she is in our hearts, I just wanted her here eating cake with us, too.

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Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (3) | Permalink

WOW

May 08, 2009 01:05pm (EST)

Earlier this week, seemingly out of nowhere, such a heaviness came over me. I missed Caitlyn so much. It's been nearly four years since she died...I simply can't believe it has been that long...So long that I feel she must certainly be slipping away from me...So long that we have not had the same level of support for our family team as in previous years...So long that others must be forgetting about her. It was as if a wave swept over me, and I realized that I had NOT been thinking about her - which made me feel guilty. Logically, I know that she is with me, in my heart, but logic lost out at that moment.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (6) | Permalink

ENERGIZED

Mar 27, 2009 11:15pm (EST)

I've just finished The Bean Team's newsletter for March for Babies and the flyer for our walk in London AND sent out invitations to a "side" fundraiser I've organized...It has been a long day at the computer, and my eyes are quite blurry, but...Yes, I DO feel energized. I've already received positive responses, so I hope that the events go well. But, just having the opportunity to talk about Caitlyn feels good. I spent so long worried that mentioning her name would upset my family and friends. I can now talk about her without the raw emotions that make so many people so uncomfortable, and I hope that allows me to make a bigger impact with her story.

I love you, Bean. And I miss you very much. Sending you kisses, my love.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (3) | Permalink

HOW TIME FLIES

Mar 15, 2009 09:16pm (EST)

Tyler arrived ten months ago tomorrow. I can't believe that much time has passed. Zachary and Tyler keep me very busy every day, and their infectious smiles and giggles truly warm my heart...Yet, I still realize that Caitlyn is missing. Some days go by so quickly and I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I feel guilty that I haven't missed her more. As I fall into bed, I realize there is an aching in my heart. The grief certainly isn't as intense as it used to be, and I do think that being busy with the boys has helped ease that pain. Yet there seems to be some kind of...I don't know how to describe it...longing just under the surface of my smile. I miss my daughter. I wonder what my days would be like with the boys running after their big sister.

Ten months have passed since I felt the need to write here...How is that?? Have I really not missed Caitlyn? Have I been so preoccupied with my daily life that I forgot to do something to honor her? I don't think that is the case; I hope that isn't what it means. I do, in fact, feel that I have done quite a bit to keep her close to me. But, coming here to share my thoughts would likely have helped on those days when my heart sank, realizing what I am missing by not having her here...Why is it that I have avoided it?

March for Babies is here again...This will be the fourth year for The Bean Team. FOUR YEARS since Caitlyn died. Just thinking of that passage of time makes my heart ache right now. And even though Caitlyn's two little brothers - who each have their own special story - will be with us, I don't want to "have" to do it. I don't want to walk *in memory* of my daughter. I feel like time is stealing her away from me. The saying "time heals the pain" isn't as simple as it sounds...The pain might be less intense, but sometimes I feel like that is due to the loss of many memories.

But, I *will* walk again this year, and I *will* tell everyone who will listen about my daughter. We are still living abroad and getting back to the States to walk just isn't practical...so, I'm introducing March for Babies to the UK! I do feel good - energized - by planning the event here, but it is a challenge, some days, to find the energy. I'll let Caitlyn be my motivation.

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Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (4) | Permalink

CAITLYN'S LITTLE BROTHER

May 18, 2008 07:56pm (EST)

Tyler Elliott Nelson arrived on the 16th. As I sit here looking at him, I suppose that I should accept that he is really here (smile). We had some "bumps" along the way, but he is here and healthy, although he is under the bili light for 2 days because of a blood antibody issue that I developed. He is absolutely gorgeous (although I know I am biased!) and looks so much like his big sister, Caitlyn.

I feel so blessed to hold him in my arms, but it is certainly bittersweet. I burst into tears as soon as he was born, saying to Hart that I wish Caitlyn was there. We didn't know if Tyler would be a boy or a girl...If the baby had been a girl, I'm sure I would feel guilt and miss Caitlyn more. But, having a boy also reminded me what I'm missing out on with raising a girl. I am not disappointed to have another son (although, as Hart says, I am now WAY outnumbered!), but I do wish that Caitlyn were here to see her two little brothers.

I know that Caitlyn is still in my heart and a very special part of our family. Her picture has been at my bedside since I arrived at the hospital, and I have had many opportunities to talk about her with the staff, which I always love talking about her. So, once again, she has brought a special meaning to something in our lives...

In loving memory of his big sister, Caitlyn, welcome to the family Tyler!

Tyler1

Tyler2

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (6) | Permalink

MOTHER'S DAY...

May 12, 2008 03:15am (EST)

First, I want to thank the moms who have responded to my entries. It truly does warm my heart to know that support is available whenever I need it, even though I have never met any of you...This is an unusual bond that we share, unfortunately, but certainly a very unique and strong one. I really appreciate the kind thoughts and encouragement!!

Today was bittersweet, of course, as I'm sure it is for many moms of angels. It was great to have Zachary at home, and to be able to look down at my belly and see the baby's acrobatics change the shape of my stomach. But, as every other day, Caitlyn was missing. Hart and I took Zachary to visit her grave today. He is certainly too young to understand why he is there, but he blew kisses to her, which was really sweet to see. My Mother's Day card was especially meaningful. Hart "signed" it with personalized messages from Zachary, the new baby, Caitlyn and the twins. Of course, the tears came flowing, but it means so much that Caitlyn and the twins are remembered even though we have other things to be happy about.

It is hard to celebrate a day like today, being a mother, when you know that one of your children is not physically with you...and for me, that missing child is the one who made me a mom in the first place. But, I suppose that is even a greater reason to celebrate today...It is because of Caitlyn that I know what motherhood means, and I *hope* that the love I learned from her has made me a better mom to Zachary and this new baby.

So, happy Mother's Day to everyone, whether your children are in your arms or remain in your hearts forever!

To my precious daughter, Caitlyn Greenleigh Nelson...Now sleep chlid of mine, while the stars shine above. I love you as much as a Mommy could love. Thank you for everything you have taught me; Thank you for coming into my life; Thank you for being my daughter. I love you, Bean.

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Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (4) | Permalink

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