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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(3 members)
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awilkinson6 |
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stacyat6 |
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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SIGNS OF RAINBOWS
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Dec 10, 2011 06:41am (EST)
Today as I left my house for an important, yet difficult meeting I saw a huge rainbow. It was enormous. One of those picture perfect stretch across the horizon ones with brilliant colors. I smiled knowing that today was going to be ok.
I drove right under it and it disappeared. As I looked in front of me another appeared far in the distance. It was wide and equally brilliant in color- deeper than the first. I again smiled.
The day was indeed a good one. And as I drove home later that day Micah snoozing in the backseat another appeared in the distance. I smiled and thanked Akeelah for being with her momma that day- reminding me how close we can be.
I find peace in all of this. That sometimes all the stardust on the planet just lines up right to give you what you need.
And yet... isn't a rainbow sometimes just a sign that it is raining over there and how the sun is hitting it is causing those beautiful colors to appear? Rationally I know this is also the case... but I'd like to think... to hold out hope... that as random as the atoms are in this world... that sometimes, just sometimes they arrange themselves in a certain way on purpose.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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I HEART MY SHARE FAMILY!
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Nov 24, 2011 06:12am (EST)
Today as Lance and I were sitting at dinner we commented that it was only a month ago that we were in DC. It feels like it was so much longer, and I'm so shame to say I haven't written I post SU blog yet.
Like so many I find it takes time after the weekend to recover all those missed hours of sleep and process. This was my fourth SU... my fourth time being surrounded by the amazement that are Share mommas.
I obviously have no idea what it is like to go to war... yet I'd like to think I know a bit about the camaraderie and deep bonds that connect people who have been to battle together... and the months... the years after loosing a dream as deep as a child is indeed a battle.
I found Share just three short days after Akeelah was born... and there you were, and you've been there ever since. My gratitude is beyond measure. And the humbleness I feel to have been that person on the other end of Share at the start of their journey- it's such an honor.
I totally heart my Share family! I miss all the hugs, the laughter, the tears, the genuineness, the late nights, the smiles. Aww, I just totally miss ya!
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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THE SAME
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Oct 01, 2011 07:13am (EST)
I keep a "public" blog- I started it when I was pregnant with Akeelah for family to keep up with everything. Those posts from the early days are so bittersweet to me. That me, that her, frozen in time.
Recently I added a feature that adds a "You might like this" at the bottom of each post and links to other posts. It's been jarring to see posts from early 2008 appear randomly into 2011, and yet fitting, as that is how my mind seems to go. Sometimes living in today, sometimes, many times, back in 2008.
A new lil' one joined Micah's music class, a 2 1/2 month old. It made me want to go back and look at Micah's pictures from when he was that age. As I was browsing back through my blog a "You might like this" had two of the same picture of Akeelah. I paused.
"Happy 2nd Birthday Akeelah!" the other "Happy 3rd Birthday Akeelah".
No change. Still frozen. Still no new pictures, no new memories. No new dresses. No favorite birthday presents. No change.
No matter how many times reality bops me upside the head it is still so impossible for my mind, my heart to grasp.
That picture will replay every year, never changing.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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FUNK
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Sep 06, 2011 08:45am (EST)
I had this whole entry yesterday about happiness and deleted it, because who am I fooling. Try as I might these days I am spiraling into a funk. And I'm watching it happen, which I always hate, and feel absolutely powerless to stop it. And I'm a bit at a loss for why it's happening right now.
Oh again, who I am I fooling. I'm pretty sure I know what set this all in motion. I didn't get flowers for Akeelah on the 27th and the 28th was her EDD. I didn't forget the days. I knew they where them the whole day and then on the drive home I forgot to stop. Cue immense guilt now. I knew there would be a day when it would happen, I just didn't want it to ever come. So here it is. At 38 months I didn't get flowers. They were late.
And lots of random things that I held so tightly too as if they were keeping me close to Akeelah, like doing things in a certain order, have stopped. And I knew they were stopping. I was mindful of stopping them telling myself how silly they were and that they didn't measure my love for Akeelah. And now I regret stopping them. It feels like she's farther away and the time that I spend thinking about her every single day isn't about her but about me and my grief- that's different than her.
Life has been moving so quickly and I wish it would all just stop so I could catch my breathe and regroup. Get reacquainted with my memories, with my daughter.
Micah is repeating everything we say these days and he won't say Akeelah's name. He says the neighbor's daughter's name. I told him say Sister, and he said her name... not Akeelah's.
And I wonder why I'm in a funk.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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GOOD RIDDANCE
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Aug 22, 2011 07:14am (EST)
Today I found out that the doctor we had with Akeelah had her hospital privileges permanently revoked. Too little, too late.
About a year after Akeelah was born we learned that she had previously had them revoked and was not allowed to mentor medical students. Why this wasn't public knowledge so that I could make an informed decision about my medical care is beyond me.
And as angry as I want to be at the system for failing me, I'm angry with myself because while at the hospital on Oahu, when they were calling back to our hometown and asking who our doctor was that they should make an appointment with I said her name and knew that I should switched doctors right there to the doctor that had medivac'd us. I should have never gone back to Dr. M, EVER.
While on Oahu with the perinatologist that we had just met... never even knew such a person existed I remember asking what I needed to do for Akeelah. Did I need to eat something different (how naive I was!?!) he said, get her as close to term as you can.
And I failed. And Dr. M, in all her stupidity failed. Tons of contractions, lower back pain, change in discharge, 4 or 5 contractions during my 20 minute office monitoring. And the witch says, you're in good hands go home. Less than 24hrs later Akeelah is born... at a po-dunk hospital an ocean away from a NICU.
I'm so thankful she'll never practice again here, and at the same time furious that she ever did. That no one ever said anything. I think of what a fool we were. How other people who knew how awful she was must have seen us under her care and felt pity. How I wish someone would have said something! How I wish I would have listened to my gut.
She's gone, that's what's important today, and all I can worry about is today. Good Riddance.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (12) | Permalink
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THAT FAMILIAR ACHE
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Jul 16, 2011 02:40am (EST)
Grief is felt in the heart. It can sit there heavy as a ton of bricks. But today, that's not where it has set up camp. Today it is in my arms. And it's strange how that ache has changed. They don't ache to carry a baby. They know they should wrap around a three year old. My hands know better than to expect a small lil' face to cradle. They know. What a journey this is.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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