this can't be my story

robynluk - 05:08am Apr 20, 2012 EST

My fourth and final miscarriage was an ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me. It will be eight long, dark, lonely years come September. My life has been wrecked and my heart and spirit broken ever since. When I came home from the hospital, I covered my bedroom windows with blankets and rarely left the room. After several months of this, my exhusband came to me and said "snap out of it, it was just another blob"...my marriage was all but over. During the ensuing months, while I lay grieving and shattered, my husband turned to a friend's girlfriend for comfort, had an affair during which she, of course, became pregnant. He now has a son and as of last year, a little daughter with her. I can not come to accept that this pathetic tale is the story of my life. I began to drink heavily to drown myself and I think it worked; I am not me anymore. Just a shell of my former self. I pity the pathetic, sad, frightened, lonely, reclusive being I have become. I still am somewhat in disbelief that this is ME. This past Sept, I turned 46 and began menopause. I will never have children. I don't know that I am even capable of sustaining a relationship in hopes of remarrying anymore. This realization has made my mere existence nearly unbearable. I see that many of the ladies here are fortunate enough to be happily married to good, supportive men and even have children. It pains me to even type the word "children". Is anyone past childbearing age and dealing with this new, added pain of knowing "it's over"? Does anyone have even a remotely similar story? Is anyone else trying to heal and cope all alone with a shattered marriage, destroyed by grief, betrayal and misunderstanding? Does anyone relate to me or am I the most tragic of all?