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CHRISTIAN MY BOY

christianmyangel

May 2013

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BAD DREAM

May 16, 2013 08:21pm (EST)

Lately its been very dificult, I have been thinking about Christian alot, mother's day just passed and again with nothing. Its very hard to deal with this day. sometimes i feel like i want no one to say anything and sometimes i do want to be acknowledged, but when someone says anything, i feel strange as if they dont really mean it. I know some people dont say anything because they dont know what to say and happy mothers day doesnt quiet fit with me. this time of yr is very hard bc of mothers day and then fathers day. My husband did give me an orchid, it was beautiful and it felt good that he did that, but deep down i knew that was very hard for him.
I have been thinking about trying again and i was feelin hopeful, but just on monday night, i had a horrible dream that i was pregnant again, and i saw my belly, but i saw myself crying so much and later my husband and I were in a funeral and i saw a dead baby just laying on a bed, I wanted to cry when i woke up because it felt so real, and i got so scared because i dont know if i can go thru that again. i have already lost Christian and also my other pregnancy and i just dont think my husband and I can endure that pain all over again.
I often talk to my husband about trying again, but he says the time will come, but now its not it. I just want a baby so bad, I dont want to feel this huge emptiness in my heart, i will never replace christian or my other angel, but i just want the opportunity to be a mom. Yesterday i didnt come to work, i stayed home alone and i just needed to let go and cry and cry. I literally cried the whole day. I just miss my son so much and I just wished that he was here, he would be almost 18 months now, he would be beautiful. At work its very dificult because my coworker has 4 kids, my other coworker has 2 and my boss also has 2, when they get together all they talk about is their kids and they all share stories of their children and im always trying to pull myself away from that bc i only have one story to share and that's how i lost him, how happy i was for such a short time and then he was taken from me. i didnt get to take him to school, i didnt get to take vacations with him, i didnt get to do anything. i am often reminded of all that was taken from me, listening to their stories and how crazy life is with kids, i get upset and mad and i want to cry of helplessness b/c i was so ready to be a good mom, i just wanted to take care of my babies.

I thought the pain would be less as time went by or at least get easier, but i just realized that the pain never goes away, it just takes a different turn and now i keep alot inside me, i dont cry everyday, but i do hurt everyday and i miss my babies all the time.
I just wish making the desicion to try again was easier, i wish i was as innocent as i first got pregnant with christian, everything was smiles and i didnt think about anything bad, but now, all i think about is what if this happens, what if i lose him, what if this goes wrong. It's just not fair.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (2) | Permalink

A VERY HARD DAY

Feb 27, 2013 07:12pm (EST)

Today is one of those days that i wish i could have just stayed at home and cried all day, i feel like i just want to let go. Im here at work, not feeling well physically and feeling worse emotionally. I miss my son so much, My co-worker whom i love so much got another job and left, she is the only person whom i talked to, she was there since the begining of my pregnancy for Christian, we actually went together to the store to buy the pregnancy test when i suspected i was pregnant. she was always a great support, she would fight with me to take pictures of my belly, now i am so thankful she did because those are the only memories i have when Christian was still tuck in all warm in my belly. I always though my belly would get bigger and then i would take lots of pictures so we could show him later how i looked carrying him. i wanted to do so many things, i had so many plans for the three of us.

My Christian, how i miss and love you so much..sometimes i stare at the pictures of him on the walls, i wish i had pictures of him drinking his bottle, or eating his favorite food, or playing at the park, but those pictures will never come. Those images are just in my mind, i can only imagine how that would have been, i can only imagine how it would have felt to be called momma. Sometimes i want to go and look at the keepsake box the hospital gave us, once i tried, i opened the box and saw the black and white pictures of him and i broke down, i felt i was back in that hospital room looking at his heart monitor and seeing the heartbeat become slower and slower, seeing his beautiful face and hands and know that it would be the last time i would get to kiss his cheeks, caress his face. I couldn't look at them anymore, i couldn't see the hand and feet molds they also made, it just looks so real, his hand is so tiny and his fingers are so perfect and yet so gray, so lifeless, so cold. My beautiful baby, i wish with all my heart I could have experience that craziness everyone talks about when they have kids; i wish i could say, i need to pick up my son, or lets take Christian to the park or to the zoo. I wish i didn't feel uncofortable around pregnant women, or people carrying babies.

I dont know how long it will take, it's been more than a year and i feel as if it happened yesterday, each time i drive around the hospital where my baby passed away. i feel like crying, i remember driving each night by those streets, just happy and anxious to go see my child, most of the time, i brought him a new stuffed animal or blanket, i wanted him to know, mommy would take care of him.
But now, i am just here at work...thinking about my baby and being here brings so many beautiful and yet painful memories, i was sitting in this very chair when i felt him move for the first time, i had my sonogram pictures here, I remember taking pictures of my belly, people coming in and congratualting me, asking for my due date and asking me things about him, and i would answer so proudly and tell them his name, i used to say.."It's a boy and his name is Christian Alexander..just like his daddy." i was so proud and i wanted everytone to know i finally had my little boy that i always wanted. But now, i dont want people to ask me anything, i dont want to say that he is now gone, i feel like every time i say it, it becomes more real and i dont want to explain, i wish i could have pictures of him in my office, but i know people will ask about him and i dont want to say, he passed away.

My Christian i remember you each day and you are in my heart, Mommy loves you and misses you so very much!!!

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (5) | Permalink

ALOT IN MY MIND...

Feb 13, 2013 10:00pm (EST)

I have been feeling very emotional lately, but now its different, i am not feeling sad, I am feeling engry. i feel angry that i can't have my babies with me, that i cant get pregnant with such ease of mind as all my other friends, im angry that other women have kids and dont even appreciate them or take time with them. I feel angry at everything and i wish i could just scream and have no one hear me, i wish i could talk truthfully and say how i feel without people telling me, I just have to wait and hope and pray, i'm tired of hearing that, I am tired of people who have their kids tell me to just be patient..what do they know? what do they know about wanting a baby so bad and everytime i've tried, something happends!..what do they know about holding your firstborn in your arms and looking at him and knowing he is dying and you cant do anything to stop it, you cant do anything to make him stay..and they tell me to just wait and pray!!???..what do they know about hearing for the second time, your baby has passed away and this time you didnt even get to meet him or even know if it was a little girl or a little boy. I am so tired of just waiting and not knowing that the next time will be different, i want to keep pushing my faith and I know God listens and he knows my heart and how much i want a baby with all my heart, but i just can't bear the thought of going thru that again. I want to think positively, but i just fall back to the "what ifs"..i dont know if i can put myself or my husband in that position again.
My stepdad has 3 daughters, all whom have kids, my mother treats them better than what she had ever treated me, and she talks to their babies as if they are her grandkids, she just met this people. i get so upset when she talks about these kids, i get so angry because i wasn't able to give her any grandkids and she buys them things and talks to them all the time and pampers them and i feel that was for my babies and now i am left with nothing, just listen to her talk about other people's babies and that hurts me so much.
I just wish my life had been different, i dont understand why i have to go thru this..everyone says, God must have something so big for you..well...i just wanted to keep my babies..i never asked for anything else.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (4) | Permalink

1 YEAR AGO

Jan 18, 2013 09:46pm (EST)

One year ago, my heart was pulled from my chest.
One year ago the little bird that had so recently landed, flew away from my nest.
One year ago my beautiful baby was taken from my arms, there were other arms waiting for him, I was heartbroken, I was left hurting.

One year ago, I shed more tears than I had my entire life.
I had to let go of the most precious gift I had ever received, I thought I would lose my mind.
I wanted it to be just a horrible dream, I wanted to wake up and see my baby smiling at me and see his sparkling eyes.
My beautiful Christian, how much I miss you son, how much I love you, how much I need you here.

One year ago, I had to accept my new normal.
I had to go on without you in my arms, without the hope of seeing you at the end of a long day.
I was forced to keep walking, and it hurt because I felt each day that passed, the further away I was getting from you.
I had to learn to live with your memories, to remember and smile, to thank you for making me better.

Today, last year, I saw you for the last time baby.
I kissed your warm cheeks and said, not goodbye, but a see you soon.
Today, I am here remembering that on this day, I saw my angel fly away to his new home.
I never heard you call me mommy, I never took you home, you just came and left so fast, so many things were left undone.

Today and everyday, I remember you, I honor your memory, I remember our good times and smile.
I know somewhere in heaven there's a little boy smiling down and I hope you know that mommy and daddy love more than anything and deeply hope to see soon.

One year ago, my heart was pulled from my chest.
One year ago the little bird that had so recently landed, flew away from my nest.
One year ago my beautiful baby was taken from my arms, there were other arms waiting for him, I was heartbroken, I was left hurting...i am still hurting.

I love you son, my Christian Alexander, my little fighter..my heavenly angel...and once again I say, It's not a goodbye..it's a see you soon my son!

Baby

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (5) | Permalink

BITTERSWEET

Jan 15, 2013 10:23pm (EST)

It's been so long since I wrote here, I have been dealing with so many things lately, I have tried to keep myself busy at all times. I feel that I am stronger these days, although sometimes all i want to do is just give into my sadness.

yesterday was a very important day for my husband and I, we closed on our first home and it was exciting when i was there and everyone was happy for us and we were too. but once all was quiet and everyone was gone, i felt a deep sadness, i felt i was not complete. I wanted my baby here to celebrate this, i wanted to be excited to fix his room, Christian would have his own room because he would be the oldest, and i would be preganant with his baby brother or sister still. My Christian, i miss him soo much. words cant begin to describe what i feel. This house was meant to be for the all of us. but once more, it's just my husband and me.

I want to be excited and happy, but it's very hard when the reason why i wanted to get the house...is not here with me. I would have loved to be able to get his bed and move his toys and clothes to the new house, to celebrate his birthdays in the backyard, to play with him and just enjoy every single day by his side. now it's going to feel emptier, the space will feel emptier, just like my heart.

I want to try for another pregnancy, but i am so scared. i dont want to go thru anything similar to what i have gone thru, i feel like i wouldnt be able to make it again if i had to go thru that again. i just pray to God, to please help me when the time comes, to please allow me to have at least one child, one that stays with me and i can see grow and enjoy. I hope that dream comes true one day, i want to see my husband play with his child, i want to see him smile when he is called daddy, i know nothing can replace that. we can have everything in the world, but nothing replaces the love and presence of a child.

I would trade anything to have my Christian back and to have been able to see my second angel, they will never ever be forgotten and mommy and daddy will love them forever.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (4) | Permalink

SO MUCH TO SAY..

Sep 25, 2012 08:03pm (EST)

IT'S BEEN SOME TIME SINCE I WROTE HERE, I GUESS SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED AND I WISH I COULD WRITE AND BE HAPPY TO SAY HOW MY PREGNANCY IS GOING OR HOW MUCH I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING MY BABY, BUT UNFORTUNATELY I CAN'T SAY THAT, MY BABY'S HEART STOPPED BEATING AT THE 10TH WEEK AND EVEN THOUGH THE DOCTORS TOLD ME THERE WASN'T ANYTHING WE COULD DO, I WAS IN COMPLETE DENIAL AND I HAD HOPE THAT GOD WOULD WORK A MIRACLE, I WANTED TO BELIEVE THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD GO THRU THIS AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH CHRISTIAN, THERE WAS NO WAY GOD WOULD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO US, TO LOSE OUR BABY LIKE THIS, AFTER SO MUCH, I BELIEVED GOD WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT SO I WAITED AND WAITED AND WENT FOR CHECK UP AFTER CHECK UP AND NO GOOD NEWS, I STILL WAITED FOR MY MIRACLE, UNTIL ON THE MORNING OF TUESDAY AUGUST 28TH AT 6AM I GOT UP TO THE BATHROOM, I HAD NOT SLEPT AT ALL, I HAD PAIN THE WHOLE NIGHT AND I HAD NO ADEA I WAS ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE ANOTHER PAINFUL EXPERIENCE, I WAS ALONE, MY HUSBAND HAD JUST LEFT TO WORK. I LOST MY BABY, I FELT HIM COME OUT AND I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT, I SCREAMED AND CRIED AND I WANTED TO RUN AND RUN AND SCREAM TO THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, I CALLED MY HUSBAND AND HE KNEW WHEN HE HEARD ME, THAT IT HAD HAPPENED, HE CAME BACK AND HE STAYED WITH ME, IN THE BATHROOM SOBBING ON HIS KNEES HOLDING ME AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING. IT KILLED ME TO KNOW MY BABY WAS THERE, THAT THERE WAS NO MORE HOPE FOR HIM/HER, THAT I WANTED TO HOLD HIM/HER AND JUST LOVE HIM/HER.

I COULDN'T HELP FEELING GUILTY, I COULDN'T HELP KNOWING THAT I AT FIRST HAD NOT FELT EXCITED FOR HIS COMING, I CRIED BC I FELT GOD TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME B/C I DIDN'T LOVE HIM THE SAME AS CHRISTIAN. BUT I TOLD GOD THAT I WOULD LOVE HIM/HER JUST THE SAME AS I LOVED CHRISTIAN, TO PLEASE WORK A MIRACLE, BUT HE NEVER DID, HE DIDN'T GIVE ME MY MIRACLE, BUT HE GAVE ME THE STRENGHT TO GO THRU IT ALL.
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WE HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO GO THRU SUCH HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL EXPERIENCES, I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHY I AM NOT ABLE TO HAVE MY BABIES WITH ME TODAY, I JUST WANT TO BE THE BEST MOM AND LOVE AND SUPPORT THEM IN ALL THEY DO.

I WISH I COULD HAVE A HAPPIER ENTRY TODAY, WITH BETTER NEWS AND EXCITEMENT, BUT I JUST FEEL SCARED NOW TO EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING FOR ANOTHER BABY, I DONT WANT TO GO THRU EITHER ONE OF MY PAST EXPRIENCES, I STILL WANT A BABY WITH ALL MY HEART, BUT I CANT HELP TO FEEL SCARED AND EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY TIRED.

AND NOW WHEN I THINK OF CHRISTIAN, I CAN'T HELP TO THINK AND WONDER ABOUT MY LIL ANGEL THAT I NEVER MET, IT KILLS ME EVEN MORE TO KNOW I AM THE MOTHER OF TWO ANGELS I WILL NEVER HOLD IN MY ARMS.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (3) | Permalink

SO CONFUSED...PLEASE HELP!

Jul 10, 2012 08:22pm (EST)

It's been quiet a while since i've written on here, and i sure do need to let somethings out, even though i have my husband who is great with me, i can't say everything that i feel to him, i feel like as much as i try to explain myself, he wouldnt be able to understand what i feel.

It's been six months since i lost my beautiful son, God knows i miss him each and every day, i think about him, i see his pictures and can't help to wonder why he had to go so soon. My husband and i have been trying to get pregnant, i do know i want a baby, but deep down inside, i feel like i dont want another baby, i just want to have Christian back, i want to have him and none other, but i know he won't come back to me. I have missed my period and i think i am pregnant, but i don't feel as excited as i felt when Christian was in my belly, i don't know if this is right, if this is fair for this baby because i want to be excited, i want to be happy 100%, but each time i think about a new baby, i remember christian, i miss him so much more.

When i was pregnant with my son, i would count the weeks, i would research on healthy foods to eat, i would take my vitamins each day, i would follow his growth every week online, i would look at baby clothes online and picture him, but i don't feel that way with this one, i feel like im doing it for my husband and not for me. I'm not even that excited about a pregnancy test, but i'm positive i am pregnant.

I feel so bad, i feel so guilty that im not as excited for this baby, i want to love him or her just like i did my christian, but i dont know if i can. please if you read this, tell me if this has happened to you, am i the only person who feels like this? i hope this feeling goes away because i want to be excited, i want to enjoy it, i want to feel the same way i felt with my baby boy, but as hard as i try, i don't feel the same, all i can think about is how i miss my son and how much i love him.

I have my doctor's appointment on the 20th, so i'll be able to confirm if i am or not, if i am it will be funny how this happend the same time i got pregnant with christian, they might even have the same due date, but hopefully i am able to have this one full term, i'm praying to God all turns out alright. Christian will always be my first born, i just don't want people to see a new baby and forget about my son, i don't want him to be forgotten, he is part of this family, and even though i can't have him here with me, he is my child and i will forever cherish his memory and have him in my heart.

I hope i am able to overcome these feelings, i dont want to tell my husband because he might think i am not thankful, but i am, i just never realized i would feel this way when facing a new pregnancy, i even get abit upset when he touches my stomach, i feel as if i am betraying christian, as if im leaving him aside. I don't know, this is very confusing, but i am glad i have this place where i can vent and just let go.

so please if you read this, give me your input, have you ever experienced this? what can i do? i want to enjoy this pregnancy as i did for my boy, he can never be replaced but this new baby also deserves all the care and love i can give and i want to be able to give it to him or her since day 1.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (4) | Permalink

MEMORIAL..

Jun 05, 2012 02:18pm (EST)

Thank you all so much for your kind words, it really does help to know there are people out there that care and understand all that we feel thru this very difficult time. it helps me know i am not alone even though that is what i feel sometimes, sometimes i wish i could just let go and let this void in my heart consume me, it is very difficult trying to be strong, putting up a smile when all i want is to let go.

My husband and I went to the memorial on sunday, it was very strange for me, i saw about maybe 50 or 60 people there, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, sisters and brothers of our little angels. I saw many tears including my own, i cried because i so wish i didn't have to be there, i didn't want to accept, this memorial is because my baby is not here. we had the opportunity to go up and talk about our loss, say someting about our children, i saw many go up and talk about their baby, about how they lost their precious child, i wanted to go, but just the thought of talking about my precious boy broke me down and i couldn't do it, i couldn't get up there. The Hospital had made a collage with the pictures of our babies, i saw Christian's picture and began to cry, i didn't want his picture to be there, i always pictured myself going to school meetings, i always imagined going to see him play maybe baseball or soccer, i always imagined myself taking his pictures and putting them on our walls, to cheer for him always, to support him in everything, i always wanted to see his pictures in his first grade classroom. didn't want to see his picture here, i didn't want to accept this is the only type of meetings or events i will attend for him. This was very overwhelming.

Then we went to the garden, we got a butterfly and we had to release it when our child's name was mentioned, i couldn't do it, my husband had to release it because i didn't want it to fly away, i want it to keep it, i didn't want to feel again i was losing him and he would fly away and never come back to me. i cried so much, but i felt understood, other mothers were also crying, we just looked at each other and without saying a word, we understood we were not alone. it was very hard, i saw christian's picture display on the slide show and it hurts so much to know my only and precious boy is not with mommy who needs him and loves him so very much.
I cannot find the words to explain the deep love i have for him, sometimes the thought of death brings me relief, if i were to die tomorrow, i would be happy because i would finally be with my boy.
I just want to be with him and hold him close to me and cradle him to sleep and kiss his little nose goodnite like i always did.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (1) | Permalink

ALMOST 6 MONTHS

Jun 01, 2012 05:59pm (EST)

You would be almost 6 months now, i can't stop thinking how gorgeous you would be, i wanted to see your pictures today and i couldn't, i cried last night because i miss you so much, i miss seeing you, hearing you and touching you.

Although i don't cry everyday, there is not a day i don't think about you my baby, the other day i got so upset because my husband called me from the cemetery and told me someone had stolen the little lamps we had put besides your little grave, i got so angry that it was taken from you, that it was stolen, i thought to myself, we can't even do that, we can't even give you something so simple and we can't stop people from taking it from you, it wasn't for them, it was for you. i cried here in my office because i wanted to have you and give so many things, but now someone takes away the only things we can do for you.

I didn't tell my husband, but i was very upset and sad about that. i admire my husband, i have never seen him cry, i know he misses you, but he's always there to give me strenght when i have my episodes. we have a memorial on sunday, DC Childrens Hospital will have a memorial and they will display the pictures of all the babies and children that have passed away in the last year, my baby's picture will be there, they will also do a butterfly release. i don't know how i will react seeing your picture being displayed there, knowing i don't have you with me.

Hopefully i dont breakdown at the memorial, hopefully its not too much for me to handle and i can just stay until the end. i really wish i could be planning your first birthday celebration instead of thinking about this memorial, this life is really hard to accept.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (5) | Permalink

DREAM

May 24, 2012 09:04pm (EST)

had the weirdest dream last week and it reminded me of a blog i read here about someone who had a similar dream and it turned out she was pregnant, so it spooked me alittle bit and it made me nervous.

I saw nyself in a lil get together at my house, i saw my co-workers and my church friends all talking and eating and just having a good time, i saw i was in the bathroom and was nervous for some reason, and when i realized, it turns out i was waiting on something, i was waiting on a pregnancy test, i saw it and saw one pink line and then the second pink line showed, i was pregnant!! i then started crying in the bathroom i ran out and showed everyone the results, they came and huged me and my husband, everyone was so happy for us and my husband was crying too, i woke up and the first thing that came to mind was the blog i had read.

I remember feeling abit nervous because i do want another baby, but i really want things to turn out well for us this time and i am trusting God he will allow us to have a baby, but i cannot help but to remember what we have gone thru and Christian is my beautiful angel that i will always love and treasure.

Posted by christianmyangel | Comments: (0) | Permalink

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