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*fingers crossed*

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HE'S COMING!!

Mar 26, 2012 06:22pm (EST)

SOOO. My best friend whose having baby Caysen is in the hospital!!! She went in last night to be induced (at 41 weeks) and her water broke on it's own shortly after arrival. I guess he was planning that all along. We're keeping the boys for them while they're in the hospital. (and I'm so blessed they're well behaved). Kaitlyn loves them, and they play with her even though she's 3 and they're 9 and 7... such good sports! I'll post pics when he makes his grand arrival! Praying she has a easy delivery. This is her first (the other 3 are from her husband's first marriage).

I got a pleasant surprize Friday when my OB called me out of the blue. He sounded almost frantic when he called... he said he saw my name down for an appointment with the words "radiation treatment" next to it. He thought I had cancer. When I was pregnant with Kaitlyn, we had a cervical cancer scare, which is probably what he was thinking about. It was nice talking to him. He was really torn up about everything. I guess the weight of what happened that awful day and the days since. He's been talking to a hospital a little north of where we live who want him to work there. He said he has to move. His kids are in grade school and some kids in the town are telling them their dad is a baby killer. Like I said, small town.

The reports came back from Chapel Hill (at Duke University). The doctors involved with the case said they're going to testify at his trial in April on his behalf. I guess I'll see what happens then. It's such an awful thing to happen. I can't imagine what the family is going through, but I do know he's still the mom's OB doctor. That has to be saying something.

To top all this off, I've started getting a pain in one of my breasts. It started over the weekend. It feels deep down in the side and I'm hoping it just goes away. I thought I might have felt something, but maybe not. Dennis said he couldn't be certain either. For now, I'm keeping an eye on it. I have that appt in April anyway, so he can officially check it then I guess (if it's still bothering me). I can't imagine that if it was something like that it would start hurting all of a sudden like that. I feel like I'm freakin falling apart!!!

For now I'm going to focus all my thoughts and positive energy on my sweet baby boy Caysen who's on his way. That's enough to make any gloomy day bright!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink

...

Mar 22, 2012 06:25pm (EST)

So I've been a little shy posting after the last couple of posts. I feel like if I say anything regarding my OB, I'm going to upset someone. So I've been trying to keep to myself. Today, however, I've made the decision to call the office and try set up an appointment to get on some birth control. I never thought I'd make that call... EVER. But I'm scared that something's going to happen and I'll get pregnant while the radiation is still alive in my system. We already are doing over the counter protection and stuff, but still. Maybe I'm just being overly paranoid or something. I don't know.

To top all this off, I've been going through massive mood swings since the radiation. Like I'm never happy. I always feel frustrated and upset about everything. Someone can say the most innocent comment and I automatically take it the wrong way. I'm driving my hubby so crazy he said he want's to send me to the pool house!! (which in my case is like the size of a big shed...). I don't have a follow up appt with my endo until April 12 (by that time it will be 2 months since I saw him for the treatment). I know that anxiety is a symtom of this condition, but it seems like it's getting worse instead of better. I feel like I'm going crazy or something... like my body isn't balanced anymore. (Not sure if that makes sense).

Still having heart issues, still having a racing heartbeat. I'm just so frustrated. The other day I was sitting on the couch watching a movie and all of a sudden it started feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. l felt like a ran or something. My heart was thumping like it was really struggling and hard. I counted it to be over 120 beats a minute.. pounding. And in that minute, it restarted its rhythem 10 times. Dennis wanted to take me to the hospital, but I remembered my doctor saying it was going to get worse before it got better. I wish he would have told me when the worse was bad enough to send me to the hospital. It was really scary! And now I get all these crazy hot flashes. Like I won't be doing anything and I'll just start sweating like crazy and my face will be all red. I don't understand it, but I'm hoping it will all just go away in the end!!

Please say a prayer for me, if you think about it. I could really use all of them I can get!!! thanks!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

CLARIFICATION...

Mar 14, 2012 07:52pm (EST)

I wanted to clarify that my heart definately breaks for the family involved. I can't imagine what they are going through. I wasn't trying to belittle their terrible loss. That was so not my intention. I'm just hoping that things work out the way God intends, either way. Having the previous experience with my OB, it breaks my heart not having him (probably because I've been thinking about it for the past year and a half). My prayers are with the family involved and with my doctor too. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TODAY...

Mar 09, 2012 08:42pm (EST)

Today marks 1 month since my thyroid pill/radiation treatment. I don't really feel much different. Tired, but not sickly- which makes me happy!! I only have 5 more months to go!! what- what!

So I found out that my OB's liscense has been suspended. I'm so upset. It goes back awhile. I live in a small town, so when a 'scandal' arises, everyone hears. Several years ago, he was in a practice/partnership with another OB in our area. They had a nasty split several years ago. Everyone took sides (so small town, right?) Anyhow, he (my doc) went on to be on the schoolboard down here in NC. He built an awesome 3 story facility across from the hospital so everything is super convienient. Well, he had a delivery about a month or so ago that went terribly bad. The mother was progressing along okay, but then the baby showed signs of distress. He rushed her into surgery (emergency C-section) and got the baby out in under 12 minutes from wipe to out. The baby still didn't make it. I can't imagine how devestating that must have been.

Guess who the chair is at the hospital? His old pal and partner that he split from. That guy suspended him from deliveries at the hospital. The records from that delivery were sent to 3 different agencies for review. Big places, like Duke. If the findings were the same, he was supposed to lose his liscense to practice. Not sure how all that works. Well, the findings all differed. The chair at the hospital told him he would allow him to practice, but not deliver babies, in return, he had to give up his right to appeal. I glad that he refused that deal. He's going to appeal it, thankfully. I'm hoping that everything works out.

He was the best doctor I've ever had. When I first started developing the Pre eclampsia, I didn't feel sick. He made me stay in the hospital. I argued with him and was so mad, thinking that it was so silly since I felt fine. He told me that things could change really fast and he wasn't willing to risk it. In the end, he was right. My bedrest in the hospital lasted 4 days before I had to be induced. Things really did change drastically in a day. I am forever grateful to his diligence and concern for me and my baby. I can't imagine how crushed he is. Babies are his life, not just because he makes his money from delivering babies, but because that's where his heart truly is.

So I'm not allowed to get pregnant for at least 5 more months. I'm so selfish in that I want him for my doctor again. Ever since I had to have Kaitlyn in another hospital, in another state, I've made it a goal to make it to 34 weeks (next time around) so he can deliver me. I have so much faith in his skills and his love for his patients. If you're the praying type, please say a prayer for him!! Kaitlyn and I are going to send him an encouraging card or something give him some support.

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink

DEAR AUNT FLO...

Feb 27, 2012 12:16am (EST)

I have to say, of all the periods I've ever had in my life, I think this one was my post anticipated. Wow. It sounds so strange to say that. All the months I've spent trying to get pregnant and I'm actually happy not to be. I have to back up and say that the doctor told me if I find myself pregnant after this radiation treatment (within the first few months) I can't go through with the pregnancy because of all the terrible things that the radiation would do to the baby. So of course my period had to be 2 days late. AND I'm not on birth control, birth control. I mean, I took steps to prevent pregnancy, but still, in the back of my mind for those 2 days, all I could think about was 'what if?' that was my biggest fear.
Needless to say, I'm going to try get an appt with my OB to get me on some kind of birth control. At least for the next 6 months or so... and I'll still probably use some other means as a back up!! I just had to blog this to everyone... don't ask me why. I'm just so happy that I'm not pregnant!!

My friend Kelly who's having baby Caysen is almost 38 weeks!! This means he'll be making his grand arrival soon

We're going to be on the list when she goes into labor so we can keep their other munchkins. It feels so cool to be trusted to take the boys on for them. I can't wait til he's here!! Please keep her in your prayers though. She's getting scared. Not of the pain, but of getting cathed (of all things!) Well, I'm sure when he's here, ya'll will be the first to know!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

NEW FOUND PEACE

Feb 21, 2012 07:10pm (EST)

So, the other night, I was watching TV with the hubbs and started yawning. And man did my neck hurt! It was the strangest feeling. Like I did a bunch of crunches in my neck. So like 4 hours later I was lying in bed and it dawned on me: my thyroid! (duh). The doc warned me that my neck would be tender, but I was thinking like to the touch. I'm happy to say my neck only hurts when I cough, laugh, or yawn. Isn't that weird? So after this revelation, it kinda made me nervous. It was the first real sign that I really went through with it. That that pill I took really did have radiation in it and that I really will be on meds for the rest of my life. To this, Dennis was like, "duh. I thought you figured that out already." I'm not complaining. It was just a really weird feeling.

I have a friend who was trying to get pregnant the same time I was (go figure, right?). Well, I think I posted about it many moons ago about how I was jealous, but still happy for her. She's become my best friend... and she's now 36 weeks pregnant. Well, she's having a boy. Her husband already had 3 boys from a previous marriage, so this is her one and only pregnancy. It's really strange. My daughter has really taken to her husband. She calls him, "uncle Steven." He gets his girly frilly kicks from her. We joke that she's his psuedo little girl. Which became even funnier when we started referring to his (and my friend's baby) as my psuedo baby. I've found that I can open my heart to other pregnant women. I'm not bitter anymore. I feel like this pregnancy, and this friendship really healed my broken feelings. I can be happy again. I can be happy for a friend who is pregnant. I don't feel those bitter feelings anymore. Don't get me wrong, I really want to have another baby- that hasn't changed, but I feel like my heart has grown. Knowing Caysen will be here soon, and I get to love on him as much as I want to makes me feel so much better.

I've had some friends who try to keep their babies from me because they didn't want to make me feel sad or uncomfortable. I think in some ways, that just fueled the fire. Like I have this yearning to have a baby, to love on a baby, and yet, all the babies were keeping a distance. I can't wait til baby Caysen gets here. I think it's going to be so healing for me. And after all this time, I can honestly say that I am so happy for them!

Someday, *fingers crossed*, I'll have my day again. I'll get pregnant, and hopefully have a healthy full term baby...if not, we'll adopt. We've already talked about it. Before I was kinda nervous that I wouldn't be able to love an adopted child as much as my own (which is such a horrible thing to think or say), but now I know it doesn't matter. Love is love is love.

I just wanted to write this post because I know that so often I'm "woe is me" and throwing constant pity parties for myself about my situation and how frustrated I am about things. I'm not saying that I'm not still going to have bad days, but deep down, I feel like I have a new awakening going on... and it feels GREAT!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (8) | Permalink

A LOSS FOR WORDS

Feb 17, 2012 08:30pm (EST)

So I have to say, I'm kinda upset. I was talking to a co-worker a few minutes ago who was discussing some issues her daughter was having and why she was depressed. She recently got divorced, and has no kids. She really wants to be married and have babies and she feels like her clock is ticking... you know? So I said, oh, "I hear that... I know what she means!" to which she said, "No. You have a baby already, so you really don't."

It really made me mad. It's someone I work with every day... in the same room. I've known her and worked beside her since I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. She's seen me struggle with trying to get pregnant again for over a year and a half... all the things I've done to try have another baby because I feel so desperate. It really hurt my feelings.

I understand that I do have Kaitlyn. I'm so thankful everyday that I have her, a child who I prayed for for so long, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel a constant longing for another. It's not a 'I just want a baby to love me or to cuddle with." or something like that. It's a desire that is so deep down in me that I can't help but feel incomplete. I want Kaitlyn to have siblings. I want her to have a family that's bigger than what she has. I know I'm blessed. I know that.

I think about all of you ladies who are still trying for your first. I can't imagine how hard your path has been. I'm not trying to downplay your journey and say that I understand what that's like- because I don't. But I can say that I understand longing for something and being repeatedly disappointed.

Her daughter is not married. She's upset because she's 30 and isn't married and isn't pregnant. I'm sure it would suck because you know, your path would be heading one way and then everything is gone. No husband, no family. I was most definantly was not trying make that seem unimportant or un-life changing.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but it just cut deep. I think it was the way she said it. Like she cut me off to tell me how I don't understand anything. I guess I'm just going to have to get over it. And know that sometimes people say things, and they don't intentionally mean to hurt you. I should have told her that it hurt my feelings. But now an hour's past and it seems petty now to bring up.

I just had to tell someone. I'm frustrated. The biggest thing is I know she doesn't want me to get pregnant because that will mean she'll have to do all her stuff by herself (uggh.. that was nasty of me to say, but true). *think happy thoughts*

I'm going to have a super good weekend. I'm going to be grateful for what I have. I'm going to forgive her for what she said that hurt me (because I know she didn't mean to). I'm going to get pregnant someday. My family will be completed. I will be happy* <-- those are my happy thoughts. I'm going to try concentrate on them for the rest of the day.

Thanks for letting me vent!

I love you guys. I'm already excited for SU this year. I can't wait. Has anyone heard a confirmed location yet?

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

RADIO ACTIVE-NESS

Feb 15, 2012 04:19pm (EST)

So I took my pill on Thursday... after a blood test proved I was not pregnant. Part of me was hoping it was, while the rest of me (including my common sense) was happy I wasn't. It would be so selfish of me to want a baby so bad I'd risk its health and safety.

So the pill was pretty much uneventful. It was kinda scary though. The tech gave it to me in a clear tube (I wasn't to actually touch the pill). Then he proceeded to show me the lead canister that the pill had been kept in. It had about 3 inch thick lead walls. Just for my pill. That canister was then placed into another box (which was also lead) and housed in a lead lined room. Talk about making you feel like some freak!

I didn't really have any side effects from taking the pill. Other than the crazy precautions I had to take, I felt pretty normal. In fact, my dogs may grow a 3rd eye because I kept forgetting about the 6 foot rule!! Poor babies.

I spent my 3.5 day isolation working on crafts. I almost finish a Christmas stocking for my cousin's baby. I watched lots of movies (nothing was on tv) and I laid around. It was kinda creepy. I felt like I was just waiting for Kaitlyn to wake up from her nap. I haven't been alone like that in years.

I'm back to work now. Other than getting strep again (the second time in 2 weeks) I still feel fine. I actually have noticed that I'm not nearly as hungry as I used to be. I'm wondering if my thyroid is already dying off. Before I was always in a constant state of hunger... a side affect of the hyperthyroid. I just wanted to eat and eat and eat. Yesterday I skipped lunch. I was so full from breakfast (which was a bolagna and cheese sandwhich) that I felt like if I even thought about eating I was going to explode!! I sure hope that stays!!

I have a follow up with the specialist on April 4th. He said it usually takes up to 8 weeks for the thyroid to be completely killed off. I've already marked my calendar for Sept of this year. 7 months after having taken the pill and 'supposedly' safe to start trying again. I'm really hoping that all this was worth it. My heart palpitations are more often now, but the doc said that would happen as the thyroid dies off. It has to get worse before it gets better. I'm just happy that I won't have heart disease now

*fingers crossed*

Well, I just wanted to share that with you guys. I know I've had alot of you sending good thoughts and prayers my way. Thank you so much for all your love. Things are going to get better. I know they will!!! <3

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TESTING...

Jan 31, 2012 08:51pm (EST)

So I went in for my thyroid uptake and scan about a week or so ago. It wasn't bad. I had to take a pill. Then they had me wait for an hour and they scanned my neck and then my knee (apparently you have about the same vascular system in both so they can see how much is taken up into the thyroid and how much is still circulating in the rest of the body). My first scan went well and they released me to come back the next day for another scan.
The next morning I went back and they did the same scan, then some others in the MRI machine. The tech told me it didn't make sense with the bloodwork because the scan was only showing me like 2 points about normal range. I had a follow up with my endocrinologist later that week where he told me that the tech was wrong (which is probably why they tell them not to read results to patients and to wait for the doctor). He said a normal thyroid will uptake 20 to 25 % in a 24 hour period. Mine was almost 40%. Which made more sense with my blood work. So he (the Dr.) gave me a lovely piece of paper to help prep me for my 'thyroid murder' procedure. After I take the radio active iodine, I have to be by myself for 3 days (not counting the day I take the pill). I've scheduled my appt for February 8th. I'm really nervous. I've never had to do anything that's so final. Once I do this, there's no going back. I'll have to take medicine for the rest of my life. It's scary.
Some of the things I have to do?
NO contact for 3 days. No one within 6 feet of me. I have to flush the toilet 3 times after I go to the bathroom so I don't contaminate anything. I can't have my pets. Dennis is leaving for a weekend golf trip. kaitlyn's staying at my parent's house. It's a really crazy long list of precautions so as not to contaminate those around me. then I have to wait 6 months to a year to try. They suggest a year to be safe. Scary. I'll update everyone after I take the pill...

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink

BUMMED...OUT.

Jan 17, 2012 07:27pm (EST)

Wow... it's been almost exactly 3 months since my last blog. I've signed on to check on other people's blogs, but I haven't updated my own. I guess I was thinking that if I wasn't logged on so much, I wouldn't have to deal with my fertility problems. I could just sweep them under the rug like nothing was wrong.

I finally had my specialist appointment with the endocrinologist yesterday. I was hoping to hear some good news or some kind of reassurance that things will be fine... needless to say, I left the appointment much more bummed than when I arrived.

My doctor reviewed my blood work that my PCP sent him. Then he realized I was a patient several years ago and compared the 2 readings. Apparently not much has changed since the last time I thought he was crazy. My thyroid levels continue to be elevated and he still wants to slow it down. [hello, I'm overweight as it is!!]. He told me that I can either stay the same or I'll gain more and just have to exercise more [which can I just say, I HATE excercizing!!!]. He thinks that since my TSH levels seem to be staying at a constant high rate, I should go ahead and kill my thyroid off. I'm really not to keen on that idea. It freaks me out that I'll have to eat off of paper plates and plastic utensils and throw my trash outside of the house so as not to contaminate my family. I mean, sounds kinda scary. So I have blood drawn at my appt yesterday because apparently the most recent bloodwork didn't have all the thyroid tests done on it.

He said at the rate my heart is performing, with all the skips, extra beats, racing heart rates, and irratic patterns, I'm pretty much guarenteed to damage my heart to the point where I'll have unfixable damage... like heart disease and heart failure. Not good news.

And then came the bomb drop: 'Under no circumstance are you to get pregnant. Go on birth control. Use condoms. Anything. Just Don't. Get. Pregnant."

I tried to argue with that statement. I told him how we've been trying for almost a year and a half... to which he said he was happy that we couldn't conceive (which is yet another classic sign of the hyperthyroidism, who knew?). He told me in all seriousness that if I were to get pregnant, it would most likely end in disaster. Pregnant women with hyperthyroidism have a sharp increase in miscarriage and a high risk of stillbirths... the lucky ones usually have severe pre-eclampsia and have to be delivered early [which is what happened with Kaitlyn... again, who knew?].

So now it's killing me because I knew that I'm supposed to ovulate either yesterday or today and I feel like I'm having to let this window pass me by for the sake of the baby I could possibly create and my own welfare. It's so frustrating. If I choose to kill off my thyroid, I have to wait at least 6 months for the radioactive-ness to leave my body before I can even think about trying again. I guess I kinda want to kick myself in the pants for not doing all this sooner. I mean, It's already been a year and a half. To make me wallow in my self pity even more, one of my friends announced that she's pregnant this morning. Can a sister get a break???!!

I have an appointment at Norfolk General to have a thyroid uptake on Thursday. This will be an all day thing where they give me radioactive iodine in a small amount and then scan me several times throughout the day to see how my body responds to it. Then I have a follow up on the 24th to go over the results from the blood work taken yesterday and the results of this screening. So that's where I stand. I'm stuck waiting to see what the future will hold... knowing full well that it won't be a baby... at least in the near future.

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (8) | Permalink

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