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PREEMIEMAMA DRAMA

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May 2013

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MY APPOINTMENT

Jun 09, 2011 07:32pm (EST)

Okay, so I had my appointment 2 days ago. It's been crazy and just realized I didn't update everyone on how it went. It was okay, I guess. We didn't really accomplish much. Basically, Dr M thinks I'm fine. I just need to relax and stop trying to rush things so much. I brought in some of my charts (which equals 4 because some didn't save for some reason). He took a look at them, was impressed by my thermal shifts, denoting I do indeed ovulate, and said that basically he thinks we just need to 'do it' more often. Yeah. So granted, some of the charts show that we only did it once before ovulation, but it was the NIGHT before. So all those stupid sperms should have been ready and waiting. I can see if you completely missed ovulation, but the timing was great.

He said that the Jones Institute for Reproductive Medicine comes down from VA and does seminars monthly that are free and I can go to those. He said he'd set up a consult with them if we really want one, but he needs 2 months notice to make suret they can run all the test that need ran. At this point he really doesn't want to do anything hormonallly because he doesn't really think we've been trying for THAT long. Basically, he said we should give it another 6 months. Have sex more often, and see what happens... oh, and RELAX.. (Like I haven't heard that enough already- he got a big eye roll for that one!!)

I told Dennis that he can't complain that he feels like a piece of meat next month since he was smiling so big about the doctor giving his blessing to do it [alot]. One of the reasons we cut it back before was because of that statement!!

So that was how my appointment went. "You've already had a baby, so your body CAN get pregnant. Just keep trying and it will happen." Blah. Blah. Blah.

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (6) | Permalink

APPOINTMENTS, APPOINTMENTS

Jun 07, 2011 04:08pm (EST)

So today is the BIG day! I'm going to see my baby doc at 2:30!!! Hopefully I'll get some answers... or at least be able to ask some questions. I'm hoping that they decide to send off my hubby for the "swimmer check" and me... oh me. I'm hoping for something. I just realized I didn't get my yearly in April... but I'm hoping that that doesn't happen today... ick.

So I was already planning to leave work early to make this first appointment when my mom called rather frantic. Kaitlyn fell during her walk, then another 2 year old tripped over her and landed on her head... which was then smashed into the concrete... breaking part of her little toofy off. Thus my second appointment- the dentist.

So I was trying to hold myself together at work. Telling the principal I needed to leave... getting my junk together (since I didn't know how bad it was, I left right away). All I knew was that Kaitlyn was screaming her head off in the background. So I make it to the car where K-Love is on... God is so good. What song would start just as I turned on my car? Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." I have to mention that when I was in the hospital on bedrest with Kaitlyn, that was my theme song. I'd sing it all the time. I sang it to her in the hospital. I means so much to me and I thought how cool it was that at that exact time, it was playing- just for me! It really helped me calm down alot.

I tried calling the dentist, but the only appointment they had wasn't til 3:00- a half hour after my other appointment starts... in 2 different states. Thankfully my mom is AWESOME so she agreed to take Kaitlyn to the dentist for me so I don't have to reschedule my baby appt. (which I think would've made me cry)..

My only probably is that Kaitlyn hasn't been to the dentist yet... ever. She hates doctors.. she's combative and I feel really bad leaving her with my mom. Don't get me wrong, she is SUPER close to my mom... but I know she's going to be scared and that breaks my heart.

So I wanted to share my drama... and it's only 12:00!! I'll let everyone know what happens at the appointment (which will probably be nothing!)

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink

MY LITTLE PUDDLE

Jun 06, 2011 02:20pm (EST)

My Big appointment is tomorrow afternoon! Finally!! I'm so excited to go, even though I'm sure I won't have any answers to anything just yet. I'm just happy to know that I've taken a step towards the answers I seek.

I'm happy to be going to the doctor tomorrow for another reason. For the past couple of days, I've been having a pain in my upper right side. It reminds me of the pain I had when I was pregnant, when my liver was acting up during the hellp syndrome. Several years ago, I was having gallbladder issues. It kinda feels like a burning pain, like heart burn, except not in the middle of my chest where you get heartburn. It's up under my ribs... and the middle of my back. And it sometimes hurts when I breath deep. Unfortunately, these are the same symptoms I had when I was having gallbladder issues before. I'm also nauseas and queezy all the time (well, several times a day). I figure if it's still going on when I see the doc tomorrow, maybe he'll point me in the right direction.

When this was going on last time, I had a ton of tests run. Apparently my gallbladder was only working at 30%... but I didn't have any stones, and eventually the pain just kinda went away so I didn't end up having surgery on it. I'm hoping that the pain goes away again... but then I think about wanting to be pregnant, and I know that if and when I do get pregnant, there really isn't much they can do to help me if it is gallbladder related. Seems like I should get it checked out now.

So I was hoping to be like 10 dpo when I see the doctor (in hopes of getting a blood test to see if I'm pregnant)... TCOYF software estimates me to be 8 dpo, I was thinking more like 9. I guess we'll see. I'm trying to remain optimistic about everything, and to be accepting of God's plan for my life.

We're doing a Beth Moore Bible study with our small group, and she was relaying a story about some ducks she saw swimming in a puddle of water. She said that just next to the puddle was a small hill, and on the other side of that small hill was a beautiful lake. But the ducks couldn't see the lake. So they stayed and splashed in the puddle instead. She said she wanted to yell at those ducks and tell them, "hello?! You're swimming in a puddle!!" Sometimes that's probably how God looks at us. We're there, swimming in a puddle... looking at that big obsticle- (the hill) in our way. Making the best of what's right there in front of us. Never realizing what wonderful things God has in store for us, if we can just make it over that hill! I'm hoping to make it to the lake myself!

I'll let you guys know how my appt goes tomorrow

Hoping for the best!! Thanks for being so supportive SHARE friends!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

TESTS...?

May 27, 2011 07:43pm (EST)

I was going to write this as a message, but I figured I'd post it as a question too...

Erin~ I haven't had any tests done yet for fertility. I had some tests run last April (2010) to see if I had blood clotting disorders, Lupis, and that kind of stuff that would have caused the HELLP Syndrome. I never heard back from EVMS, so I assume it was all clear and good.

I'm not quite sure what kind of tests they'll be doing this time around. I was thinking they'd be checking my hormone levels and stuff. I don't know how all that works. I do know that everytime I ovulate, I get really nauseas from about 6 dpo to when I get AF- I didn't used to before. I was wondering if maybe my hormone levels are too high or something... I have no clue! When I made my appointment for June 7th, they did mention taking blood, so maybe they're going to do some of those tests that you had mentioned.

Shannon~ Thanks for that... I'm glad to have such good friends that understand me instead of tell me that I should be happy with what I have. I hate when people [who have like 4 kids] say that to me. I just want to slap them upside the head.-- not any of you SHARE friends though!

We're taking control, you and I!

I have a friend who is currently going to school to become a midwife. She's been very interested in my charting and all that stuff and she thinks the doctor may put me on Clomid. Is that something that they normally just put you on? According to my charts, I using definately show strong temperature shift- showing ovulation has occured. It's all very confusing to me. I just hope that when I finally see him in.... 10 days.... I'll get some answers to some of my questions.

I still haven't gotten my charts fromt that stupid online archive site. Maybe tonight..? Dennis is working late, so I can do it when he's not there so I don't have to have him ask, again, why it's so important. Ovulation is coming up (should be like Sunday or Monday) and I'm thinking about whether I should do the 'every other day' method or try to wait til then to have the most sperms there as possible. [sorry... TMI]

Have any of you tried the 'wait for a week before ovulation' way or do you all do the 'every other day' or 'every day'??? I was just thinking IF it is Dennis' low T that's the problem, maybe I should make him wait it out til closer to ovulation?? Any ideas??

thanks for listening, yet again, to another one of my endless rambles

I'll let you know what I find out

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

JUNE 7TH

May 24, 2011 07:30pm (EST)

Well, I finally did it. I called my OB and made an appointment for Dennis to get his 'swimmers' checked. We have to have an appointment together first. I'm supposed to bring in all my charts that I've done since September (When we originally started trying). I went back to my computer to print out all my saved charts, and nothing. Nothing came up. I clicked on it and nothing. I managed to pull up a blank calendar page though. Real helpful.

So I'm frantic. Searching all my files on the computer. I only printed out 2 of my charts. The rest I just saved each month. I wanted to cry. I keep hoping that they'll hold the key. I know they don't because I know that they all say that I should have gotten pregnant by now.

Last night, I tried again. An attempt to wish them back. It shows that they're saved. They're there! But I can't access them. Apparently, along with the TCOYF software that I had to buy, I also have to buy access to an online archive system, [which is apparently where the charts have been being saved to- even though they were supposed to being saved to My Documents]. So- there may be light at the end of the tunnel afterall.

It cost $29 to retreive archived data and to keep the access available. Dennis doesn't seem to understand why I'm so stressed out about it. He said if I charted everything correctly, then it shouldn't matter if I have them or not. (sometimes guys are so dumb!!).

I'm going to try buy it tonight. I'll sleep a little easier knowing that they're printed out and snug in my fertility binder. Yes. I now have one of those. A place to store all my information that I've been keeping. I thought I'd better start one since they're probably going to want that info anyways.

So my appointment is set for June 7th. We're still thinking about adoption, but for right now, I feel a little happier knowing that soon I'll be seeing my Dr. Moore. My OB- and hopefully I'll have some answers. There's still always the possiblity I can get pregnant this cycle. I'd be about 7-8 dpo by the time I see Dr. Moore. Too bad that's too early for a blood test... that would be awesome!

Anyhow. My outlook is somewhat looking up because I feel like I'm finally taking back some kind of control-even if it is only a little sliver! The thought that maybe I'll have answers soon definately puts a smile on my face. Good luck to all you hopeful ladies out there. I can say this is definately one of the most stressful processes I've had to go through... and I'm hoping it ends soon for us all

**Think***Happy***Thoughts***

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink

A HARD DECISION...

May 17, 2011 07:25pm (EST)

So yeterday after my post about the BFN, and then getting my AF, I went to my mom's house to pick up Kaitlyn and one of the other daycare parents (whom I've known for a long time) announces that she's 8 weeks pregnant. It broke my heart. I'm so sick of this feeling of being broken.

So when I went to pick up my husband in VA Beach yesterday, I had a little heart to heart with him. I told him everything. All my feelings of being angry with God and frustrated with my body. I told him we needed to get tested just to see what's up because I can't take all this charting and praying every month and still have the big negative. I told him it's driving me crazy. If he has some kind of sperm issue (since he has low T), I can deal with that. I just want to know so I can stop blaming myself.

At first he seemed a little offended. He couldn't understand what was so bad about the life we already have. We live in a nice house, we have each other and Kaitlyn, and go on vacations out of the country about once a year. Our life is pretty good.

As we talked more about it, he brought some other things to my attention. What about my pregnancy issues? I do have a 50/50 chance to have a normal pregnancy, but that also means I have a 50% chance that things won't go well. I think all this time I've kinda 'glorified' my situation with Kaitlyn. Not really glorified, but everything worked out fine in the end. I think if I had another one, I can do that. I know what to expect. But really, it can happen any time. They've already told me that they'll induce labor even if the baby isn't far along enough to survive.

Maybe I'm being spared from some kind of unimaginable heartbreak. I'd hate to think that God's trying to spare me and I'm trying to force it anyways. So, Dennis is starting to think adoption. I have been told different ideas as to whether or not I should get pregnant again or not. It's just too hard for me to accept at this time that I'm meant to only have one child. Ever since I can remember, I've dreamed of having 3.

Adoption. Every time I mention this idea to anyone, my eyes start swelling up with tears. It's just so hard to accept that this may be my fate. Not that there is anything wrong with it- because i think it's wonderful- I just don't want to go that direction because I HAVE to. We've always talked about adopting to 'give back', not to 'get.'

This is the big decision that we're facing... and praying about. I feel like maybe it IS the answer. I just don't like feeling like I'm giving up. I've got some time to think about it. Right now, though, my husband is seriously headed that direction. I guess time will tell

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink

BFN

May 16, 2011 07:11pm (EST)

Again. It seems like the time in between finding out I'm not pregant just keeps getting longer and longer. My chart this month was at least easy to follow. It wasn't all over the place, but unfortunately my temps dropped this morning, which was followed by AF. I was so sure that this was going to be the month. Everything added up perfectly. I know it says that even if the egg does get fertilized, you only have like a 25% chance of implantation. I think statistically it should have landed in my favor by now. So here I am, beginning cycle month 9.

I've gotten to the point where I'm bitter. Like before I was kinda angry, and questioning, "why".. but now I've reach the point of just being pissed off with God- and I'm not comfortable with that. I feel like my prayers are not being answered (or at least not how I feel they should be). I pray every day that I will have another baby. Everyday. And after I've ovulated I pray every day, several times a day for Him to see fit to create a new life. And everymonth I get nothing. Nothing but disapointment.

I'm really struggling right now. I grew up in church. I have a relationship with God... and yet I don't understand why this is happening (or in my case, not happening) right now. I understand that God's timing is perfect, but I just don't understand if it's not the right time, why doesn't He just take this desire from me? Make me not want it so bad. Like I said, it's a struggle I'm having...

I'm going to try call and find a place for my hubby to get his swimmers checked. Just to make sure they're doing their job. Then it will be my turn. I never in a million years dreamed I'd be at this crossroads... unable to conceive....struggling so hard to keep it together when all I want to do is cry.

I feel like a failure. It's like my body is fighting against me. I don't understand why it refuses to do the one thing it was meant to do. There are so many awful, unfit baby machines out there... *sigh* Here I go again. This is the song that seems to play in a continuous loop in my head.

I'm going to try not to think about it too much. I'm going to try to focus on what I do have. What I'm so thankful for. I should feel especially blessed that I DO have Kaitlyn. Who knew it'd be so hard to get pregnant the second time around??!! Maybe I should put some time and focus on getting myself in the most awesome shape ever... maybe that will help. Aaaaahhhh.... It's so depressing.

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink

HOPE LOST- YET OPTIMISTIC?

May 09, 2011 06:09pm (EST)

Last month was a wash. My temps only stayed up for 6 days, then slowly and steadily decreased for several leading up to my period. Another missed opportunity.

A friend of ours (who started out TTC along with me) found out last week she's having another girl. She's 19 weeks along now. It makes me sad to think so much time has passed since she got the news and I still haven't. I took a short break from SHARE. I"ve have too much self loathing and lamenting going on and I didn't want to spread the negativity.

Anyhow how, the above mentioned friend gave us some advice with the baby making. She said her dr told her to have her man hold off for a week leading up to ovulation and then try to plan for the day before 'projected' ovulation. Last month we tried that, but since it's not clear whether ovulation actually took place, we don't know how well this theory worked. She was TTC for about 8 months before getting lucky with baby #2. May marks 8 months for us. My husband is on testosterone therapy for having low T, and it's not like the injections he had to take before, this is a gel he rubs onto his skin, but it makes me wonder if the low T isn't causing the issues. His "whatever that kind of dr. is" doctor says it shouldn't interfere and if anything boost it up a little. Either way, that's why we decided to try the 'save it all up for a week before ovulation' approach.

This month, I'm really crossing my fingers for some good news. The deed was done the night (2 days) before my softwares 'projected ovulation' day. I noticed a dip in my BBT that day. Thankfully, through daily charting, it showed I was right. I ovulated a day before I was projected to. The day after the 'deed.' So my software says I have the 'best chance' of conceiving since it was the night before ovulation. I'm trying not to put too much hope in it... since this isn't the first time. But the chart is very clear. I'm really hoping to see some sort of trisphasiatic pattern on it. I'd love that. It doesn't seem to be starting to shift to higher numbers... or I could just be reading into it too much!

Can you tell how completely obsessed I am? It gets worse when I'm on SHARE because it's all about our babies. That's why I had to take a break last month.

I've gotten Kaitlyn potty trained and out of diapers, so it seems fitting to start getting ready for diapers again, right?!! She's getting to be such a BIG girl now. It makes me sad and proud all at the same time.l

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster every month, waiting for the build up to ovulation, trying to plan things just right, then waiting to confirm ovulation occurred, then waiting to see if anything took. It's mentally exhausting. Everyone just keeps telling me not to think about it, not to stress out over it and yada yada yada. I understand where they're coming from, but I don't think they understand where I'm coming from. It's hard!

This months prospects look good.. please send me lots of prayers and baby dust. I'm getting really discouraged. I feel like from the time I ovulate, to the time my cycle starts, I'm in a bargaining/pleading session with God. It's really starting to test me. Thanks in advance!!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink

I OVULATED...I THINK!

Apr 12, 2011 07:08pm (EST)

Okay, so in my last post, I was trying to figure out what on earth was going on with my cycle. Was it anovulatory, was it delayed ovulation... well, in charting my bbt, I'm pretty sure I finally did ovulate *yay*

Here's where the kicker is. I use 2 different fertility programs to chart with. One is the TCOYF software, and one is FertilityFriend.com-- they both have me ovulating on different days... like several days apart. Both show different coverlines.

I use the TCOYF software every month and I added the FertilityFriend after no ovulation was noted (for a second opinion, of course!!).

I chart everthing: Cervical Fluid, Cervical Position, and BBT. I put all the same info into both programs, and voila! Two different interpretations.

I think that TCOYF is showing ovulation on cd 22 because of CM dry up and it's calling it a 'slow rise' thermal shift. It would lessen my chances because we've been spacing out the BD because we think my hubby may have low sperm count (due to his low T)... so that would make it 4 days (cd 19) before ovulation (which rates my chances of conceiving this month "Low").

On the other hand, Fertility Friend is banking on ovulation taking place on cd 25 because it has the greatest jump in temps (and because the 'slow rise' had a very low dip before the temp increase). This increases my chances of conceiving ('Good') because BD was that day. I wish I knew for sure. My temps spiked on cd 26. It's all really confusing- especially if you can't actually see the charts. What doesn't make sense, though is that all my CM was gone for like 4 days prior to this. Now I have a long wait, as originally my new cycle was supposed to start tomorrow (and now will def be pushed back!).

Just thought I'd send a little update. I can try to upload my chart from FertilityFriend.com and see if it works. Here's the link:

My Ovulation Chart

Imagine that there is a coverline at 97.6 Thanks Ladies!!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink

ANOVULATORY? HUH?

Apr 06, 2011 07:43pm (EST)

Okay charting ladies- I'm driving myself crazy with this month’s chart. I’m on cd22 and still no ovulation in sight. I normally have 28-29 day cycles. I had all the classic signs that ovulation was approaching (even ovarian pain), but then nothing. It is driving me up the wall. My husband is just praying I stop talking about it.

I’ve googled just about everything I can think of and I’ve decided it’s either delayed ovulation (which is pretty late being that I’m usually clockwork cd16), or an anovulatory cycle, which sucks even more since who knows when it will end.

I’ve never charted anything like this, although my temps are all consistently under the coverline (minus one day) that don’t look all crazy and sporatic like the anovulatory charts I’ve seen online and in the TCOYF book. It’s freaking me out. At this point I just want this cycle to be over… so I can start fresh.

As for ‘delayed ovulation,’ I can’t think of any reason (stress-wise or not) that it would be delayed. I even went out and bought a new thermometer (even though it’s not suggested midcycle) and cross referenced it with the one I had- just in case the batteries were messed up. NOTHING. I’m so bummed and disappointed. Now IF I DO get pregnant next month, the baby won’t be due until January of 2012. Next year!!!

Have any of you had a similar experience? I’ve charted many months now and have never seen a time when there was no thermal shift. Can you ovulate and not have a thermal shift? How long does it take to end an anovulatory cycle? These are the frustrating questions I have.. and unfortunately, it appears the answers are ‘wait and see.’ There’s no way to know if you’re having an anovulatory cycle vs. delayed ovulation until it ends and you bleed.

Do you guys have any advice for this half-ovulation-crazed woman?! (Other than, ‘be patient and try not to think about it’ because that doesn’t seem to be working right about now!) I’d especially like info from any of you ladies who have had this kind of strange thing happen. Thanks so much for everything- especially for letting me vent

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink

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