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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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COLLECTING
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Jan 24, 2012 06:35am (EST)
This is our last pregnancy. I know it in my heart. This is the end of the road for us. I'm done. I've been pregnant for at least part of a year since 2007. It's time to close this chapter.
And in a strange way, it feels like saying goodbye to a part of Akeelah's story. I only knew her in pregnancy really. So as we journeyed down the same road with Micah and now this lil' one, a part of me could journey down her road again. After this, there will be no revisiting of those times. I'm not distraught about this per se, because I know this chapter needs to close. It can't stay open forever for anyone, biological clocks and all.
So as we journey towards the end I find myself wanting, needing to collect the last question marks of her pregnancy. I need answers to what I've wondered about or couldn't remember, and I'm going to get them. As many holes as I can fill, I will. On my list are the following:
-The NST print out from June 26th, 2008 and corresponding note from the awful Dr. M.
-The U/S report from the ridiculously inept MFM Dr. H
-How word spread to Oahu that we had delivered
-What our OB that delivered Akeelah remembers
I've thought long and hard if there is anything else I need to know, and if knowing these things will make life easier or more difficult. These are all the holes I've wondered about. The memories from others who were there will help me tell richer stories to Micah and "the flutterbug" about their big sister.
I need to collect everything I can, to make her story as big and long as possible. I know it continues through us and her ripple, but I need to collect everything there is from those moments she was here and record them. I just do.
At one of our first pre-natal appointments we had to complete all the stupid, will you just go check my flippin chart, background info, and of course one of the questions is about relatives with genetic anomalies. I checked it off with dread, that Micah and Flutterbug would always have to check this box. Dread followed by an intense mommy instinct to protect Akeelah's memory from just being a box they'll need to check.
This road I tell you... twists and turns at every angle. May the collecting begin.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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OMG OMG OMG
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Jan 20, 2012 08:07am (EST)
First of all, let me say, I can't believe I'm 31 years old and seriously just typed OMG OMG OMG but there is just no other way to put it.
Yeah, so I'm 12 weeks and some change pregnant and freakin' out! Pregnancy is fine, totally excited, not nervous... buuuuut just found out today my Uberlicious Fabulous Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious MFM, came in the middle of the night on his day off to deliver Micah answers emails at 2am, is moving out of state before I'm due!!!
Total meltdown.
Thank goodness my integrated support system is also on my speed text and my next appointment was with our psych... an appointment that went from just a head check 'cause I totally got this dude, to a mild tear filled panic attack!
I'm beyond devastated. This doctor is the best and makes me feel 100% safe. Now I know he'll refer me to someone he trusts blah blah blah, but he's not replaceable. The ones who know our stories and have seen us at our best and worst never are.
It's so ironic because what I've been thinking and I was so excited to share at the appointment was that during Micah's pregnancy he had told me to leave the worrying up to him and sit back. I told him no way and white knuckled the whole pregnancy. This time I was totally ready to let go and put all the worry right on him.
Oy. People plan, universe laughs I know we'll be fine... but dang it, I'm totally sad. I wanted to finish out our pregnancy story with the folks who were there from the beginning with us and Akeelah. Oh bother.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (18) | Permalink
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NORMAL IN PROCESS
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Jan 18, 2012 08:12am (EST)
I can't believe this is my first post of 2012. I was looking back at my blog and just pressing "older entries" twice I was back at the beginning of 2011. I remember when I couldn't make it a few days without blogging something out. And now look, weeks go by.
During those weeks there are always blogs bouncing around in my noggin'. And what I've noticed is that it's almost that I can hear the support you'd give me if I blogged it and the need to do so eases.
I'm thinking this is part of integration. Not only do we integrate our loss, we also integrate our support. Our support becomes mobile, and we own it, can control more of it.
As I went back through my blog I noticed my posting about different milestones... start of football season... the 'cycle' of Akeelah's pregnancy... these have all passed me by this year less mindfully than they have in previous years. I've been thinking a lot of what I feel about this. There's that forever mom part of me that tells me I should be guilty... but you know what... no. No thank you.
I choose to remember that my love for my kids is not tied to milestones, it's tied uniquely to them, who they are, who they could be and who they will be.
I've always liked the idea of a new normal. What I'm now learning is that new normal is always in process. There's no finish line you reach where it's as new as it gets. Normal is always in process.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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AKEEYAH
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Dec 14, 2011 09:34pm (EST)
Today as I was carrying Micah through the house he started pointing at one of our picture frames with multiple pictures of Akeelah's pregnancy and her.
"Mommy."
"Yep, that's mommy."
"Daddy."
"Yep, that's daddy."
"Akeeyah."
"Yep, that's Akeelah."
Melt my heart! He's of course said her name before, but usually after me. This was the first time when it really sounded like his normal. Like duh, nothing odd, strange about this. "That's just Akeelah. The only kind of big sister I know."
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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SIGNS OF RAINBOWS
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Dec 10, 2011 06:41am (EST)
Today as I left my house for an important, yet difficult meeting I saw a huge rainbow. It was enormous. One of those picture perfect stretch across the horizon ones with brilliant colors. I smiled knowing that today was going to be ok.
I drove right under it and it disappeared. As I looked in front of me another appeared far in the distance. It was wide and equally brilliant in color- deeper than the first. I again smiled.
The day was indeed a good one. And as I drove home later that day Micah snoozing in the backseat another appeared in the distance. I smiled and thanked Akeelah for being with her momma that day- reminding me how close we can be.
I find peace in all of this. That sometimes all the stardust on the planet just lines up right to give you what you need.
And yet... isn't a rainbow sometimes just a sign that it is raining over there and how the sun is hitting it is causing those beautiful colors to appear? Rationally I know this is also the case... but I'd like to think... to hold out hope... that as random as the atoms are in this world... that sometimes, just sometimes they arrange themselves in a certain way on purpose.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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I HEART MY SHARE FAMILY!
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Nov 24, 2011 06:12am (EST)
Today as Lance and I were sitting at dinner we commented that it was only a month ago that we were in DC. It feels like it was so much longer, and I'm so shame to say I haven't written I post SU blog yet.
Like so many I find it takes time after the weekend to recover all those missed hours of sleep and process. This was my fourth SU... my fourth time being surrounded by the amazement that are Share mommas.
I obviously have no idea what it is like to go to war... yet I'd like to think I know a bit about the camaraderie and deep bonds that connect people who have been to battle together... and the months... the years after loosing a dream as deep as a child is indeed a battle.
I found Share just three short days after Akeelah was born... and there you were, and you've been there ever since. My gratitude is beyond measure. And the humbleness I feel to have been that person on the other end of Share at the start of their journey- it's such an honor.
I totally heart my Share family! I miss all the hugs, the laughter, the tears, the genuineness, the late nights, the smiles. Aww, I just totally miss ya!
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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THE SAME
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Oct 01, 2011 07:13am (EST)
I keep a "public" blog- I started it when I was pregnant with Akeelah for family to keep up with everything. Those posts from the early days are so bittersweet to me. That me, that her, frozen in time.
Recently I added a feature that adds a "You might like this" at the bottom of each post and links to other posts. It's been jarring to see posts from early 2008 appear randomly into 2011, and yet fitting, as that is how my mind seems to go. Sometimes living in today, sometimes, many times, back in 2008.
A new lil' one joined Micah's music class, a 2 1/2 month old. It made me want to go back and look at Micah's pictures from when he was that age. As I was browsing back through my blog a "You might like this" had two of the same picture of Akeelah. I paused.
"Happy 2nd Birthday Akeelah!" the other "Happy 3rd Birthday Akeelah".
No change. Still frozen. Still no new pictures, no new memories. No new dresses. No favorite birthday presents. No change.
No matter how many times reality bops me upside the head it is still so impossible for my mind, my heart to grasp.
That picture will replay every year, never changing.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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FUNK
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Sep 06, 2011 08:45am (EST)
I had this whole entry yesterday about happiness and deleted it, because who am I fooling. Try as I might these days I am spiraling into a funk. And I'm watching it happen, which I always hate, and feel absolutely powerless to stop it. And I'm a bit at a loss for why it's happening right now.
Oh again, who I am I fooling. I'm pretty sure I know what set this all in motion. I didn't get flowers for Akeelah on the 27th and the 28th was her EDD. I didn't forget the days. I knew they where them the whole day and then on the drive home I forgot to stop. Cue immense guilt now. I knew there would be a day when it would happen, I just didn't want it to ever come. So here it is. At 38 months I didn't get flowers. They were late.
And lots of random things that I held so tightly too as if they were keeping me close to Akeelah, like doing things in a certain order, have stopped. And I knew they were stopping. I was mindful of stopping them telling myself how silly they were and that they didn't measure my love for Akeelah. And now I regret stopping them. It feels like she's farther away and the time that I spend thinking about her every single day isn't about her but about me and my grief- that's different than her.
Life has been moving so quickly and I wish it would all just stop so I could catch my breathe and regroup. Get reacquainted with my memories, with my daughter.
Micah is repeating everything we say these days and he won't say Akeelah's name. He says the neighbor's daughter's name. I told him say Sister, and he said her name... not Akeelah's.
And I wonder why I'm in a funk.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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