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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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AND SO IT BEGINS AGAIN
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Jun 21, 2011 06:31am (EST)
Three years ago we were at the hospital waiting to be medi-vac'd.
Wow, well, that's all I needed to type for one of "those" cries to find me. This year what I feel more than anything is sadness. I miss her so much. All of me misses her everywhere. It hurts all over.
While this year and last I didn't actively dread and re-live each what if as this week approached I could feel each milestone pass by. One can only hope to distract themselves so much. There are some experiences that leave an indelible scar on your very being, and these are them.
There is so much to do yet again for her birthday and I find myself paralyzed. There are letters with pre-term labor warning sign and infant loss books to go out, blankets to be made and delivered. And while there is peace in doing these things, there is also great sadness. These are not what any parent should do to prep for a daughter's birthday.
There will be cake, a dinner and a trip away from our home to our remote peaceful place. None of these things will fill the sadness that lives in my heart. Sadness that has set up permanent shop these days, especially as Micah took our three year old neighbor's hand to walk with her to the water table.
Thank you Share mommas for always being here. This was the blog, the cry I needed to let some of the sadness out.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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SHOOK LOOSE
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Jun 14, 2011 08:44am (EST)
I am a huge StoryCorps fan. It's an oral history project that travels the US capturing conversations between regular folk and archives them at the Library of Congress. When I heard that they were coming to our state I was over the moon.
Sunday a wonderful friend and I participated in the project. She recently lost her little one during her pregnancy. We spent our 40 minute interview talking about our kids. What its been like, how it's changed our friendship. It was amazing, healing. And to know that our stories, Akeelah and Adam's will be archived in the Library of Congress with their own Dewy Decimal number is just the coolest. My great grand kids grand kids will be able to hear me talk about my love for Akeelah. It's so permanent. I love it.
Aaaaaaaand it shook a lot of things loose. Memories about those weeks and days after Akeelah was born. Memories of how much it all hurt. I had forgotten about the first class I went back to. I had forgotten how alien it all felt, how I watched everyone laughing and going about the day so normally. I had forgotten about the cry I had on the drive home. One of those cries that comes from the deepest hurt you have.
I haven't had a cry like that... in probably over a year now. I wonder if I ever will again. I think there's a part of me that knows, that if I truly let all my guards down, I could cry like that right now. But I don't. Is that what progress is? What "better" is? You're better at keeping yourself all put together? I don't know.
Things feel shook loose. I suppose it's to be expected two weeks before Akeelah's 3rd birthday, amidst all the what ifs.
Big sigh.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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SKYLIGHTS AND SMILES
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May 06, 2011 09:37am (EST)
There's a skylight over our dining room table. Tonight as Micah and I were eating dinner he kept looking up, talking in his Micah-ese and laughing. Tears came easily as I wished to be seeing siblings amusing one another. Inside jokes for me to only wonder about.
The more likely scenario includes Micah and his reflection... but I'd like to think otherwise.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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STUCK
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Apr 29, 2011 07:32am (EST)
Today is one of those days. Driving home I felt that familiar grief overwhelm me. Sometimes there's just no running from it. All the anger, the hurt just bubbles itself right back to the surface. That overwhelming sense that this lasts a lifetime knocks you down.
I hate that June is getting closer. I hate that there will be three candles waiting with no one to blow them out. I hate that I can't fix this. That today I can't muster what is needed to change my thinking and am stuck under this wave. I hate it here. It's useless time spent away from all the beauty I know exists because our lives were touched by our sweet girl.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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WALKING?!
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Apr 22, 2011 07:00am (EST)
It's official. Micah can walk! A week and a half ago he surprised my sister and I by just nonchalantly taking a bunch of steps. Since then he would put his butt on the floor faster than ever if you even tried to snake your finger away from him.
Then today again, just out of the blue he took a bunch of steps again! And this time when I coaxed him to take a few more he was off! Seriously walking across the whole house! Makes me wonder if he was doing this every time I had my back turned!
To watch him make this discovery was amazing. Truly amazing. Right before my eyes I watched him take a developmental leap. You could see how proud he was. And as he ventured out on his own he would come back for hugs.
I'm beside myself with amazement. I am so very very very lucky for so many reasons.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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LET'S GO NEXT TO AKEELAH, AKEELAH ON THE LINE FROM...
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Apr 12, 2011 06:18am (EST)
my jaw dropped and my heart ached. It was the first time I had heard someone named Akeelah. And literally heard them.
The caller sounded nice. I'd like to think that Akeelah would have grown up to be the kinda gal that would listen to the show I was listening to and then call in. I can only imagine.
It was a strange moment. I keep her baby book that we made with Micah's books and he frequently looks at it and I tell her story and yet I find that I stumble while talking to him about Akeelah. Talking about them at the same doesn't come as readily to me as I want. I never know if I just tell him that's your big sister... or that's Akeelah. What does a lil' bro call his big sis? Neither sounds just right and that hurts, because if she were here, truly here, I'm sure it would all roll off my tongue without thought.
Big sigh, another one of those moments.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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SELFISH
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Mar 16, 2011 04:08am (EST)
Lately I've been feeling like I've been selfish. And not the good kind of self preservation selfish. The wrapped up in my own world at the expense of seeing the big picture.
Thursday night as we vegged watching a movie we got a call from a friend who lives at sea level (we're up in the mountains). There was a Tsunami watch... of course they could come up. We were shocked having not listened to the radio or news and the earthquake had occurred a few hours ago already. It wasn't forecasted to hit until 3am so there was no rush. We continued to watch the movie and I made my way to the computer to Google.
And that's when I saw some of the first footage of Japan and sucked in my breath quickly. Oh my gosh. Knowing we would become a refugee camp for many coastal living friends we started to clean the house, get the sheets out. After a mad dash around the house I called my sister, also a coastal dweller to be sure she had a ride up.
We stayed glued to the news waiting. It was a big like New Years... but not. And here's where the uneasiness started to creep in. The news was all about here... and more specifically all about Oahu. Insert BIG eye roll. We don't have cable so we were watching our local news streamed online. We watched from 11pm to about 4am. And during that whole time they showed maybe a few clips of Japan. Just a few. And I'm really uneasy with that time that we spent waiting so consumed with ourselves.
Maybe it's the hindsight. We didn't know how minini (small) the Tsunami would be by the time it got here. Sure, a few houses, cars and boats are gone. There's damage... but everyone is alive. That can't be said for tens of thousands of people in Japan.
I find myself in a panic thinking about what happened. My heart hurts. To have so little warning. To perhaps be out walking with your little one. I have to shake the thoughts out of what it might have been like for parents.
The past almost three years I feel that I've been consumed with myself. With own grief. I closed my world to so many friends and family. I feel selfish for doing this. During that time friends and family went through a lot and I wasn't there for them. Regardless of whether they were there for me like I needed and wanted... I wasn't there for them and that's not right.
I feel like I need to rejoin the world. I can't say that I want to. In fact as I look at that sentence I have a bit of panic, I don't want to. But that doesn't change the fact that it's the right thing to do. Everyone on this planet is dealing with their own grief for their own reasons and not one is anymore important than the next. It's all unique and different for each person... but no ones is more important than another.
I feel shame saying this here, but I have to be honest. We do big fundraising each year for our March for Babies team and I think this year might be the last. Now I have a ridiculous competitive spirit... so maybe not. But the timing of the Makena drug prices has been awful. It took the wind out of my sails. And then I think of the people of Japan and it's just not the time for our Team and that saddens me as we're the Ambassador family this year. We'll stop at just over $4,500 this year and about $20,000 over three years. I'll continue to support, but I'm not in a place where I can ask others to. I need to diversify my efforts for a while and look beyond my experience to the experience of others.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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 Archives
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I mean, I still have my panic attacks about random things... but at this point I feel comfortable managing them. I'm not spending my every waking moment waiting for shoes to drop. I'm actually enjoying the now. 
