|
 |
 |
|
WELCOME, GUEST |
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
(1 member)
|
 |
 |
niylnnrae @a…6 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
|
| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
|
|
|
|
STUCK
|
|
Apr 29, 2011 07:32am (EST)
Today is one of those days. Driving home I felt that familiar grief overwhelm me. Sometimes there's just no running from it. All the anger, the hurt just bubbles itself right back to the surface. That overwhelming sense that this lasts a lifetime knocks you down.
I hate that June is getting closer. I hate that there will be three candles waiting with no one to blow them out. I hate that I can't fix this. That today I can't muster what is needed to change my thinking and am stuck under this wave. I hate it here. It's useless time spent away from all the beauty I know exists because our lives were touched by our sweet girl.
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
|
|
|
WALKING?!
|
|
Apr 22, 2011 07:00am (EST)
It's official. Micah can walk! A week and a half ago he surprised my sister and I by just nonchalantly taking a bunch of steps. Since then he would put his butt on the floor faster than ever if you even tried to snake your finger away from him.
Then today again, just out of the blue he took a bunch of steps again! And this time when I coaxed him to take a few more he was off! Seriously walking across the whole house! Makes me wonder if he was doing this every time I had my back turned!
To watch him make this discovery was amazing. Truly amazing. Right before my eyes I watched him take a developmental leap. You could see how proud he was. And as he ventured out on his own he would come back for hugs.
I'm beside myself with amazement. I am so very very very lucky for so many reasons.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
|
|
|
LET'S GO NEXT TO AKEELAH, AKEELAH ON THE LINE FROM...
|
|
Apr 12, 2011 06:18am (EST)
my jaw dropped and my heart ached. It was the first time I had heard someone named Akeelah. And literally heard them.
The caller sounded nice. I'd like to think that Akeelah would have grown up to be the kinda gal that would listen to the show I was listening to and then call in. I can only imagine.
It was a strange moment. I keep her baby book that we made with Micah's books and he frequently looks at it and I tell her story and yet I find that I stumble while talking to him about Akeelah. Talking about them at the same doesn't come as readily to me as I want. I never know if I just tell him that's your big sister... or that's Akeelah. What does a lil' bro call his big sis? Neither sounds just right and that hurts, because if she were here, truly here, I'm sure it would all roll off my tongue without thought.
Big sigh, another one of those moments.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
|
|
|
SELFISH
|
|
Mar 16, 2011 04:08am (EST)
Lately I've been feeling like I've been selfish. And not the good kind of self preservation selfish. The wrapped up in my own world at the expense of seeing the big picture.
Thursday night as we vegged watching a movie we got a call from a friend who lives at sea level (we're up in the mountains). There was a Tsunami watch... of course they could come up. We were shocked having not listened to the radio or news and the earthquake had occurred a few hours ago already. It wasn't forecasted to hit until 3am so there was no rush. We continued to watch the movie and I made my way to the computer to Google.
And that's when I saw some of the first footage of Japan and sucked in my breath quickly. Oh my gosh. Knowing we would become a refugee camp for many coastal living friends we started to clean the house, get the sheets out. After a mad dash around the house I called my sister, also a coastal dweller to be sure she had a ride up.
We stayed glued to the news waiting. It was a big like New Years... but not. And here's where the uneasiness started to creep in. The news was all about here... and more specifically all about Oahu. Insert BIG eye roll. We don't have cable so we were watching our local news streamed online. We watched from 11pm to about 4am. And during that whole time they showed maybe a few clips of Japan. Just a few. And I'm really uneasy with that time that we spent waiting so consumed with ourselves.
Maybe it's the hindsight. We didn't know how minini (small) the Tsunami would be by the time it got here. Sure, a few houses, cars and boats are gone. There's damage... but everyone is alive. That can't be said for tens of thousands of people in Japan.
I find myself in a panic thinking about what happened. My heart hurts. To have so little warning. To perhaps be out walking with your little one. I have to shake the thoughts out of what it might have been like for parents.
The past almost three years I feel that I've been consumed with myself. With own grief. I closed my world to so many friends and family. I feel selfish for doing this. During that time friends and family went through a lot and I wasn't there for them. Regardless of whether they were there for me like I needed and wanted... I wasn't there for them and that's not right.
I feel like I need to rejoin the world. I can't say that I want to. In fact as I look at that sentence I have a bit of panic, I don't want to. But that doesn't change the fact that it's the right thing to do. Everyone on this planet is dealing with their own grief for their own reasons and not one is anymore important than the next. It's all unique and different for each person... but no ones is more important than another.
I feel shame saying this here, but I have to be honest. We do big fundraising each year for our March for Babies team and I think this year might be the last. Now I have a ridiculous competitive spirit... so maybe not. But the timing of the Makena drug prices has been awful. It took the wind out of my sails. And then I think of the people of Japan and it's just not the time for our Team and that saddens me as we're the Ambassador family this year. We'll stop at just over $4,500 this year and about $20,000 over three years. I'll continue to support, but I'm not in a place where I can ask others to. I need to diversify my efforts for a while and look beyond my experience to the experience of others.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
|
|
|
SOMETIMES WE STARE BECAUSE...
|
|
Mar 07, 2011 09:13am (EST)
we're envious.
Today at the beach a young girl with obvious physical difficulties was chasing her dad.. grandpa? down the beach. I thought to myself, what great physical therapy and I stared. Not because I wondered what she had... or felt pity for them... or because she was different. I stared because I was envious.
Because in my heart of hearts I know that I had what it took to be Akeelah's mommy here on this planet with all the challenges that her life was going to throw our way. The week that we had to sit with the news that Akeelah, no matter when she was born, early or on time would face an uphill battle allowed us the time we needed to gather the strength to know that we would put all our chips in. We talked about doing Brain Gym with her. Shoots, I was about to do my internship at the early intervention agency. I can rock an IEP. We were prepared to hit the ground running.
Today I starred and felt that familiar robbed feeling. While many others perhaps starred never wanting to have a child with challenges I ached for my girl wishing I had the opportunity.
It's not fair. It wasn't fair then, it's not fair now. It continues to just plain suck.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
|
|
|
A FEW COMMITTED PEOPLE
|
|
Feb 20, 2011 06:38am (EST)
Today was our 3rd Annual March of Dimes Garage Sale. We've got annual shoppers now. How cool is that?
This year we set a garage sale record. Five hundred buckaroos! I know! Amazing. That's a whole heck of a lot of dimes marchin' in honor of sweet Akeelah!
Of course it's always wonderful to raise dimes, but I have to admit, the best part about doing the annual garage sale to me is seeing people come together and do good. Reminds me of the quote;
"Never underestimate the power of a few committed people to change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Meade
Friends and family supported us in force donating their time and extras from around their house. A whole slew of our neighbors were involved this year, repeat helpers and new, and it was beyond touching. To have a neighbor stop by at 6am to see if you need a hand... amazing. Repeat shoppers coming by to shop and donate... amazing. People of all walks of life reading our story and feeling compelled to give a little extra... absolutely amazing.
It can be really crappy out there and people can be petty about a lot of things. But today we got to see that there is hope. That people can be good and care... that we get to see that happening in Akeelah's name is just the coolest. What parent doesn't want for their child to bring out the best in people.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
|
|
|
STILL COUNTING DOWN
|
|
Feb 12, 2011 05:56am (EST)
It's been a crazy week. A big case at work as consumed the week and with family in town it's been... just busy. Too busy. This is such an important time... time that I want to reflect on and I find myself not able. Or am I making myself so busy because the prospect of truly reflecting on the time is too much. Both seem like equally likely possibilities.
I find myself still amazed that Micah is here... still here. That we were so lucky... sure there were bumps... but who cares. He made it. We made it. I couldn't be more proud of him or Akeelah.
It's just wild to think... last year we were stuck in the hospital. We were 36 weeks 5 days. I was probably on my 100th game of solitaire (before I realized that a king was under my lunch tray... no wonder I wasn't winning!). Little did we know how different our world would be... again. Parents of two.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
|
|
 Archives
|
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
I mean, I still have my panic attacks about random things... but at this point I feel comfortable managing them. I'm not spending my every waking moment waiting for shoes to drop. I'm actually enjoying the now. 
