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Akeelah's Mommy

June 2012

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YEAH SO UM...

Jun 17, 2012 02:25am (EST)

Yeah so um... this baby will be here in less than a month. Akeelah's birthday is in two weeks... and um.. yeah. I have no idea how I'm feeling about any of this.

It's becoming very difficult to go to the same doctor's office... I'm supposed to have two NSTs a week.. and the week of Akeelah's birthday, I just don't want to do them. Her birthday is on a Wednesday this year and we'll be staying at a hotel Tues-Thursday, which leaves appointments on Monday and Friday when our regular OB is not in the office. I'm seriously considering skipping them... doing extra kick monitoring... but then what if... how ridiculous would I feel. My other plan is to fly to Oahu on Monday for an NST..

Next week starts our march 4 years ago to the end of Akeelah's pregnancy. I have an appointment the same day I was there for an u/s, hospitalized and medi-vac'd. While I'm very thankful, it's very difficult to be pregnant in June- this probably wasn't my best idea.. and I wonder what it will be like to have a baby so close to Akeelah's birthday... again... probably not my best idea. Though in my defense I thought we'd deliver a whole lot closer to the end of July, not evict baby the beginning of July.

I find myself crying for the beginning or part of each NST recently... just going back wishing I could change things... thinking about how unlucky we were to have every idiotic provider on the rock- I mean what are the chances.

Saw that stupid NP at our appointment on Friday in the hallway... she didn't make eye contact. That would be the only smart thing she's ever done.

We meet the diagnostic criteria for Pre-Eclampsia again... we have since 25 weeks... and we're still pregnant... which is insanely lucky, perhaps the universe knows we already got our share and then some of bad luck. It's frustrating though because it's once again a completely a-typical presentation, and really since we started our protein at 200... that it's 460 is not really "that" big of an increase... leaving me to wonder when all this is done... what the heck happened to my kidneys? And why does my bp stink... how long will I be on bp meds which make me feel geriatric.

I think Micah is excited about this baby... maybe excited is the wrong word... interested. We visited a friend's baby and she's all the talk for him right now. Today we're going to put back up the swing and bassinet with his help... that's just crazy.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU

Jun 09, 2012 03:06am (EST)

My regular OB is on vacation for the next two weeks. I was a lil' worried about this... but I figured I'm so much more in control of everything we've been through than before that I could handle. I should have known when at Tuesday's appointment at the MFM office when I got quickly moved from U/S to NST (everything is fine), and just felt alone knowing that our regular MFM wasn't there to watch over us... that any lil' hiccup with other providers was going to cause drama.

Well, today's appointment with the replacement OB... didn't go so well. She's fine... but she was on call today. So when midway through she get's called in to deliver a baby and out the door says, my nurse practitioner will finish up, I couldn't udder the words fast enough that ANYONE BUT the piece of junk nurse practitioner we had with Akeelah.

And who should walk in... that lame piece of junk, terrible excuse for any sort of medical professional, nurse practitioner. As she walked out to check on something she said, "What's your name again?" I told her and she said, "Oh, I know you." To which I replied with the nastiest stink eye I could muster, "Yes you do."

But I wish I could have been meaner. When she came back in and we finished up, I told her, that she was right, we had seen her before and that I didn't even know what to say to her.

So I told her, "You made us wait 2 weeks for an u/s. I was 27 weeks, measured 37 and you made us wait 2 weeks for an u/s. There's no excuse for that." I said a few more things reiterating how awful her decision making was. She apologized and I just repeated myself, "You made us wait. Two weeks with that much extra fluid robbed me of ever being able to carry her as long as she needed."

She apologized again, and I told her Thank you, don't ever let another momma wait 2 weeks for an u/s... but I wish I had been meaner. I don't think I came across clearly enough that I held her personally responsible for her terrible decision that cost my baby girl a chance.

I don't think she remembered our specific case... I know she remembered some... that she gave us bad news, but she kept saying she walked into the room and she gave it to us over the phone about the increased fluid and she remembered our other doctor... but not all, and I think that makes it worse. I hate her.

At next week's appointment I will be sure it is put in my chart that that poor excuse for a medical professional is to NEVER EVER be allowed to see me, EVER, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Never do I want her close to one of my kids ever again. Insert very unShare friendly language here.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink

DREAMING OF EXCITEMENT

Jun 03, 2012 08:23am (EST)

Last night I had a dream it was Akeelah's birthday... and in my dream we were having just a great day. There was a lil' hiccup with her birthday cake, but it was getting worked out. It was a nice day.

It was a realistic dream because for the past few weeks as Akeelah's birthday approaches I've been feeling... well excited- looking forward to her birthday. Every year on her birthday we take a mini staycation- our location helps with this. The first three years we went to the most remote and beautiful place- but being 35 weeks pregnant on her birthday remote didn't sound right... so we're staying at a different beautiful place... far from our house, but not remote. It will feel like a vacation.

I know Micah is going to have a blast at the pool. And it's my hope that our tradition of taking a fun lil' vacay every birthday will make all the kids excited about their big sister's birthday... that they will always think of June 27th as a day of celebration and never know any of the pain mommy and daddy or Akeelah knew on that day.

I hope this excitement stays. Underneath I know there is pain... the sight the other day of a four year old girl hit me right in the gut... at this point though my new normal is no longer new... it's what is and what has been for the last four years. I've grown more comfortable with the bittersweetness that is being Akeelah's mommy.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink

THIS THAT AND THE OTHER

May 25, 2012 12:56am (EST)

I know I should be blogging right now because there's too much goin' on in the ole' noggin, at the same time I don't even know what to say or how to organize it all.

We're 30 weeks pregnant... in the middle of the gestation when so many things went wrong. We had already been medivac'd, been given devastating news, were on strict bed rest at home. This was going to be all the time we'd have with Akeelah. And 30 weeks with this lil' one just makes it sink in how very very very short our time with her was, and how very very very unfair that is. And there is something so very very wrong about knowing exactly what your baby looks like so early on.

After reading my last post, I hope it didn't come across as though I wanted any of our kiddos in the NICU... but oh.. if it could have given us more time with Akeelah... I'd have taken it in a heartbeat. I feel robbed she never made it there... that the team had just barely touched down at our airport when we were saying goodbye. I know she had so much fight that with the right tools, the right doctors, we would have had more time... and whether it had been a day, week or years more... I would have taken it gladly.

I stopped at Costco on my way home from work and of course they're in the middle of their Miracle Network fundraising and have a lil' isolette which I stared longingly at, wondering what it would have been like to see lil' Akeelah in there growing.

This pregnancy continues, in the words of the new MFM who I like about as much as a pap smear, to "eek" along. Our bp is still rising, but managed with medication. Protein still rising, albeit slowly and today I just found out I failed my 1hour gluclose leaving me feeling extremely guilty for putting it off as long as I did... what if I do have GD and baby has been getting too much sugar these past 5 weeks... baby was in the 39% at 25 weeks... 55% at 28... and I gained over 8 lbs in two weeks... thankfully none this week. But what's new, pregnancy, motherhood, guilt- they seem like best friends.

I was reading the old blog I kept while pregnant with Akeelah- this time four years ago we were in la-la land I posted about how perfect Memorial Day weekend was... how we went to the beach, dug tummy holes so I could lay on my stomach... I try not to let the anger that I have at my naivete ruin what at the time was a perfect weekend. It's so difficult though.

Micah is just the sweetest (most of the time) when it comes to baby. He's always wanting to hold my Piko (belly button) and talks to the baby with a super sweet voice... and the other day tried to fix baby with a pretend screwdriver. At music today I guess he could tell some of the mommas were talking about baby and he went into kinda protective mode around my tummy, it was so cute. And because nothing is ever easy after loss the cuteness hurts knowing this should already have happened. I should already have seen with my eyes, not just my heart, an older sibling get excited for their lil' sib.

Well, that was about enough ramble for one day.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink

A DIFFERENT CLUB

May 20, 2012 08:29am (EST)

I wish I was part of a different club. I don't even have to be part of the perfect pregnancy family club. At this point that would seem to abnormal from my current new normal... and maybe like asking too much.

There's a part of me that envies the NICU club... oh if only we could have gotten there... that would have been awesome. Had a stay... been able to update with all the goings on... celebrated Akeelah's milestones... gone home. That club would be so cool- a truly twisted thing to think.

And the special needs club. I want to be in that one too. There's no doubt we would have been there if we had made it with Akeelah to the NICU club. Would have had that community of parents to kiddos with rare issues. I would have could have rocked that club... done so much, and shared so many ups and downs and all arounds.

But I'm not in those clubs. I'm in the bottom one. The one everyone says "Well at least I'm not in that one" club and sometimes the suckiness of that just sucks. Don't get me wrong... the support- awesome... but dang it I don't like it here and some days like today I wish I could just crawl my way out and switch clubs. The finality of being placed in this clubs sometimes just crashes down on you like a ton of bricks. You can never ever leave. And today I just feel like having a brat attack about that.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink

WHAT IS THAT?

May 03, 2012 07:51pm (EST)

At yesterday's appointment we got all relatively good news, which is that everything is the same. The BP meds are keeping my BP stable in the 130s/70s. My protein has now been basically the same for about a month- 400. So this could be 'just' a case of chronic hypertension. Ya know, still not stellar, woo hoo news, but a whole heck of a lot better than pre-eclampsia. And I thought I would feel much more ease, but I have this underlying sense of unease that I can't quite put my finger on.

It started Monday afternoon... and just seems to linger in my mind that something is off. And I can't quite untangle it from an actual mommy instinct or the fact that we're going into that time of year during Akeelah's pregnancy... and am a similar gestation with the Newbie... when things actually were really off and nothing was being done. And of course since Monday I've had some of my worst BP days and extra swelling... which of course is all normal pregnancy stuff unless it's not.

But the appointment was good... baby looked good... no protein on the dip. So what is it and why can't it be clearer. I think I'm due for a head check and am very thankful next week we see our Psych along with our 28 week scan and consult with an MFM... that could be it too... knowing I'll be seeing all new folks there... I dunno, just wish it would go away. At least it's not dampening our excitement... just a total emotional drag.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink

WHAT HAPPENED?

Apr 30, 2012 07:22pm (EST)

This morning while I was blow drying my hair (I know!?), Micah was off playing happily. He walked into his room carrying Akeelah's bear like a baby and told me "Baby tired" and proceeded to put the bear in his room and then gingerly shut the door creeping on his toes saying "Shhh, baby sleeping" then going about his business. A minute or two later he came back, went into his room to grab the bear. I could hear him in his room, "It's ok baby. It's ok." Then he came out holding her bear very gently and said, "Baby sad." He gave me the bear to console and asked, "What happened Mommy, what happened?"

Just knock me down. Now I know he's not actually asking what happened, when he's sad we ask him "What happened?" So he's just naturally acting out something he's familiar with.

But one day that question will be real.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink

LITTLE VOICE

Apr 25, 2012 06:19am (EST)

Wow, when I popped over to my blog I had almost forgotten about that last entry... gotta love how the mind protects itself from itself. Anyhoo...

Micah is quite the lil' talker. I mean, really. Kid is wrackin' up 6 word sentences, and his voice is so little and so sweet (most of the time). Lately I've been reminding myself to slow down and take in these small sweet conversations. Most times I feel I have to pinch myself that it's actually happening. Especially when I think back to how unsure I was that I could ever love him as much or the same as I loved/love Akeelah.

I love listening to his conversations with himself or with his animals, or sing and act out songs from music. It's all so amazing... I mean it's all so normal... but normal is amazing. He'll act out lil' scenes with his lil' animal friends, feed them when their hungry and comments on their emotional states... it's so neat to peer into his thoughts and personality. I like the kid. Oy, and the pretend Dinosaur walk the kid does complete with lil' t-rex arms and "rar rars" is hilarious.

He's picked up on Mommy's new slowness getting up and without ever being told (or any modeling from his dad!

) he's telling me "Oh wait mommy, I help you." And then will proceed to try to push a part of me up. Lil' man around the house.

No real point to this blog, just wanted to remember this sweet lil' voice that says Mommy.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink

GOOD FEELINGS GONE

Apr 18, 2012 06:00am (EST)

I received my records from the hospital I was at, and discharged from with Akeelah. This was perhaps not my brightest idea. I can not tell you, well actually I can, I know you all understand, how very upsetting they are. What's most upsetting to me is that I know that I need to do something with my upset, but I'm not sure what. I know I can not go back in time... but to not do something to help someone else based on what is written...

How could so many supposedly smart people be so stupid.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink

WAS IT WRONG TO HOPE?

Apr 14, 2012 08:32am (EST)

I was determined to go into this last pregnancy enjoying it. I was so very very hopeful that this was it. This would our text book pregnancy. For sure whatever happened with Akeelah was a fluke, and same with Micah. Third time would be a charm. I went in feeling excited, knowing that in hindsight I regretted how far I kept Micah's pregnancy from my heart and life.

I went in with hope. Now that we've hit a bit of a tumble (could it be pre-e again?), I find myself wondering... was it wrong to have gone in with hope? Does it make this tumble more difficult because we were flying so high enjoying ourselves? Would it have been easier to cope with our tumble if I had kept my heart closed?

I've been thinking about this the past few days... and I have my answer. It was right to hope. It was right to enjoy. What would I have gained by not doing these things? Nothing. What would I have lost? Time and moments you can never ever get back.

Ok so we've hit a lil' tumble, I'm not going to let that get in the way of how far up the mountain we've come already. We've reached a point where we can tumble a little without the whole world crashing down around us.

Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

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