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MISSING PHOENIX

PHOENIX'S MOM

May 2013

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PARDON THE DUST

Jun 21, 2012 01:48pm (EST)

The old blog is a bit dusty these days. But I think its time to blow off the dust and start coming back more often. Maybe I should catch you up on some of the happens around here. In May 2011, I FINALLY graduated from nursing school. I am a real RN now!!!! Yup, I passed my boards and everything. Scary thought, right? I only have my two year degree though. As of today, I will be working on my four year degree. I had to take a little time off after I graduated, not scheduled. Jeromy got hurt at work and ended up having back surgery and then 10 weeks later decided to have his appendix taken out. I know I went to nursing school and all but that was alot to take in. I think I even found myself saying "when I went to nursing school, I didn't know that I had to specify that I wanted to work outside the home and GET PAID FOR DOING IT!!" Anyway, he is ok and is back to work at a desk job. As for me the last 6 months I've been employed as an Emergency Room nurse. All the NICU around here want a four year degree nurse, so back to school I go. I think I am too old for school again.

Around the last part of school, I was having a difficult time. I wasn't working at the time and I was almost finished with school. I really couldn't figure out what was going on with me. I bought my graduation gown, brought it home and all I could do is sit and look at it and cry. This was a time when I should have been happy and just all out celebrating. I didn't feel like celebrating at all. I am the type of person who loves to prove people wrong and I was about to prove half of my family wrong my graduating. I didn't care about that either. I would sit for hours with that black graduation gown looking at me and all I could do is cry.

Finally, I had the Oprah moment. It took me a couple of months but I finally had it. We lost Phoenix in September of 2005 and I started school in January of 2006. I have been running myself ragged keeping busy with school work, work and house work that I didn't take the time to fully grieve. I hit rock bottom and I hit it face first. I knew that I would always feel the effects of losing Phoenix and that I would never "get over it". I always repeated to myself, "you never get over losing a child, you just learn to deal with it." So here I am almost 7 years later, still learning. I thought I had a good handle on it but in reality, I don't. I realize now, that I never had a good handle on it. I have a long road ahead of me.

As for the black graduation gown, it's buried in the back of my closet. It is still hard for me to look at it. For my printed degree, it is sitting in a frame on my desk. I don't feel like hanging it up on the wall. It seems so strange to work so hard for something and not being able to enjoy them. Its not that I don't appreciate having them or having the opportunity being able to earn them. For me, it's knowing that those things are mine and they will never belong to Phoenix. Knowing and realizing that, just crushes me. I might have fought my way through school for him, but it doesn't change the fact that I will never get to see him graduate.

I am still leaning.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (6) | Permalink

THERE IS MORE THAN 24 HOURS IN A DAY. RIGHT?!!!

Nov 17, 2009 05:16pm (EST)

Someone told me the other day that there is only 24 hours in a day. Really?!!! I didn't get that memo. It is no secret that I am on the run ALL THE TIME. I am barely at home and I live, basically, in my car. I carry 5 bags with me everyday (don't say a word, Donna); I have one for my work scrubs, a lab bag, 2 book bags and a bag for all of my extra books that stays in my car in case that I would need them at a moments notice. When I go into work, I carry my 2 book bags, the bag for my scrubs and my lunch box. Everyone makes fun of me but I really don't care. I am going to do what I have to do to get through nursing school. It all goes back to a promise that I made to a very beautiful boy named Phoenix. Any moment that I have free (except for Shareunion) my nose is in a book. Here is a sample of my schedule:

Monday: get up at 5:00 am school at 8:30-2:15
work at 2:55-11:30 I get home at 12:00am, take the dogs out, get my books ready for the next day, pack my lunch, relax a minute and go to bed around 1:30am.

Tuesday: get up at 3:45am clinicals (at an area hospital) 6:45am-1:00 lab (at school) 2:30-4:30 go straight to work 4:45-11:30pm get home at 12:00am, go to bed around 1:30am.

Wednesday: get up at 3:45am clinicals (at an area hospital) 6:45am-1:00 work at 2:55pm-11:30pm, get home at 12:00am, go to bed around 1:30am.

Thursday: I try to get up early to get some homework and studying done. Work at 2:55-11:30pm, get home at 12:00am, take the dogs out and do what studying that I can and get to bed at 1:30am.

Friday: Off from work but I have personal things to take care of or this is the day that I can make a doctors appointment. I will also study.

Saturday: work 2:55=11:30pm
Sunday: work 2:55-11:30pm

Monday: get up at 5:00 am and repeat
Tuesday: get up at 3:45 am repeat school schedule and I am off of work. So this is a night for homework and studying.
Wednesday: get up at 3:45am and repeat school and work schedule.
Thursday: repeat of last Thursday.
Friday: work 2:55pm-11:30pm.
Saturday and Sunday are a weekend off (I work every other weekend).

So as you can see, there isn't much time for fun, sleep or even to get sick. I have been living with this schedule since August. It will continue until May 2011. I'm not complaining. I put myself in this position. It is rough. Some people ask how I am feeling and I tell them "I'm tired". There response is, "your always tired." Really, do you think?!! I have asked to cut my hours at work and I am still waiting for an answer for a month now. Jeromy and I only get to see each other every other weekend. We both knew it would be this way but it is rough to keep a smile on my face when the only form of communication that we have is texting and phone calls. His schedule is just as bad. He goes to bed a 8 or 9 pm and he gets up at 2:30am or 3:30am to go to work. Needless to say, all of the housework and care for the dogs and cats have fallen on him. He works long hours too. Really, I don't need to work the amount of hours that I do but the hours that I needed for school came with a full time job. I feel bad that I haven't put my hands in dish water since August.

So, I drive in the dark most of the time and not in the greatest part of town (its not the worst part but its rough). My car was dependable but was getting to the questionable time. On Saturday, I was asleep (rare) when I got a phone call from Jeromy telling me to meet him outside in 5 minutes. I asked why and he told me just to do it. I noticed that my van was gone but so was he. I sat down on the porch to wait when a white Jeep Liberty drove up. The door open and it was Jeromy. All I could think is "holy crap (I cleaned that up), what has he done now?" He walked toward me and asked if I liked it. I told him yes and then asked where the van was. He said that he trade it for the Jeep. He handed me the keys to the Jeep and he said, "this is for you." I was shock, completely shock!!!! Everyone knows that I hate going to a car lot. I hate car shopping and salesman (sorry if I offend). I hate getting out of the car and being approached when I haven't had time to look. I really really hate feeling like a piece of meat in a lion's cage. I go from a nice person to a total &itch. I rather have all of my teeth pulled than go car shopping. Jeromy continued to tell me that he was really proud of me going to school and working and I do it while keeping my grades up. He also said that I drive mostly at night and he wasn't around if something happened. Keep in mind that I JUST woke up. I looked at the Jeep and was wondering about the price and payment. He told me to enjoy it. I thought "are you kidding me?" He said that he took care of all of it and he picked out what he thought I would like. Its so funny that he knows me so well. If I can't have a muscle car, I want a SUV. I told him that he didn't have to do that. He said that he loved me and was proud of me and I deserved something nice and that is why he did it.

Sunday morning, I woke up and went straight to the window to check if it was a dream. Jeromy asked me what I was doing. I told him that I thought it was a dream but there is really a Jeep sitting in the driveway. I asked if was a Christmas gift and he said no. At that moment it sank in, HOLY $$it HE BOUGHT ME A JEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine what Phoenix would be like with so much of his daddy in him? It makes me miss him even more.

Below are pictures of my gift.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (10) | Permalink

TAKING TIME

Sep 24, 2009 01:31am (EST)

I can’t believe that it’s been almost 11 months since the last time that I posted. Wow!!! I guess that you can say that life happens. Let me catch you all up on what I have been doing while I have been away. Prepare to be tired when I am finished.

School ended last December. Microbiology was my last class that I had to take before I applied to the nursing program. I was so happy to have all of my classes finished. I decided that it was time to take time out for my family and me. One day before Christmas, I went shopping with my little sister, Karen. She has a daughter, Taylor, that loves, loves, loves, loves books. I don’t usually go into a bookstore unless it is associated with school. Let’s just say that I am sick of having my nose in a book all of the time. We go in the store to get her some books for Christmas. I start to look for something fun for me. I came across one and I asked Karen about it. She told me that EVERYONE is reading that book. I thought OK, it can’t be that bad. It wasn’t bad; I just became addicted to the story. It was Twilight. In two weeks, I read the whole series. Jeromy took me to the movie and we also bought the movie. I am waiting for the next one to come out.

After taking two weeks off to do something fun, it was time to get to business again. The college changed the criteria to get into the nursing program. I had to take an entrance exam to get in the program. The process became frustrating. I signed up to take the exam in February. I ordered a study guide and started studying all that I could. We were tested on subjects that weren’t required for our program. The day of was awful. Couldn’t wear jackets, no drinks, no food, and no calculators. The only thing that we could have on our desk was a pencil, and purses had to be closed under the chairs. The test was 3 sections and all timed. It wasn’t the most idea situation for me. It was the longest 4 hours of my life. Wait, I take that back. Waiting for the results were the longest two weeks in my life. I had to meet two criteria to pass the test. I met both of them. I still had to apply and be accepted.

Our yard was a mess from the ice storm. In the spring, we started pulling out old bushes, reshaping flowerbeds and working hard on the front yard. We updated the landscaping of the front yard while putting personal touches on it. We placed four concrete little boy angels tastefully placed in the front yard. We get all kinds of neighbors stopping us and telling us how good it looks. The work took us about 6 weeks (working on the weekends). I am sooo glad that I don’t have to redo it next year.

I have intensely worked on the house. I cleaned out closets, got rid of clothes that I didn’t wear anymore, threw away things that were just lying around. I had a project that I’ve been working on for a year. My grandmother gave me collage frames for my birthday. I’ve been attending events that each of the kids had so I could collect pictures of them and the rest of the family. Slowly, I edited each picture to make it look perfect. Yes, you read that right. I did a project that involved a computer, digital camera, and frames that are now hanging on my walls. Woohoo for me!!!!!

At the end of May, I got my acceptance letter to the school of nursing. I was relieved. The arrival of the letter was followed by a short celebration. It was back to work. The race was now on to get everything done before school started. One of the first things I had to do was move positions in the hospital. I knew that I had to go to second shift to accommodate the school schedule. I’m still in the NICU but now I am a unit secretary. The job is nice but I wish I had a little more time to study at home and, oh yeah, sleep. That is something that I not getting much of right now. But it will pay off in 3 short semesters. School is a lot of work. Its more studying than I ever thought. Before I started, it was “when I get out….”, now its, “I hope that I make it through the semester. One test at a time.” The semester started in the middle of August and we have already had 3 tests. Right now I am sitting in class 3 days a weeks, and reading 3-6 chapters a night. That will change the first part of October. I will be in class one day and have clinical 2 days a week. So I will have a week to read 3-6 chapters. When it gets hard, I just have to stop and remember why I fight so hard to do this. So when Share Union rolls around, I will be time to party. So Kate and Lauren, I PROMISE NO BOOKS WILL BE COMING WITH ME TO DC!!!!! It is break time for Angi.

I have pictures of the yard that I will post later!!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (10) | Permalink

MOMENTS

Nov 26, 2008 06:36am (EST)

I can't believe that the last time that I posted was in September. That post got me into a lot of trouble with some people in my family. Oh, well. I haven't had a lot of time since I came back from Share Union. We have been behind in our class since the massive wind storm came through here. In the last two weeks, I had the flu, pneumonia, 2 test and a project due. Now here we are two weeks before the semester ends and I have two more test in the last two weeks. I am at the point where I just want the class to end. I did take a night away and met Kelly Poooonnnnssllller and her friend at the boat. But what happens at the boat stays at the boat. I can tell you that we had lots of fun.

With not having much time, I can't seen to sit down and blog. It tears me up not to be able to pour my feelings out like I need to and it really tears me up not knowing what is going on in your lives as well. I was watching TV tonight (rare) and an advertisement came on for a movie. There was this quote that flashed on the screen and I couldn't get it out of my head. I rushed to the computer to see who originally said it but I really couldn't find it (or I didn't have the time to really look).

"LIFE IS NOT MEASURED IN MINUTES BUT IN MOMENTS"

My first thought was "how beautiful". I kept going over and over this saying in my head. My next thought was "how true is that?!!" If I measured Phoenix's life in minutes, it would be approx 70,560 minutes. When it comes to a lifetime, that isn't much. I probably could tell you what happened in everyone of those 70,560 minutes. If I really measured his life in minutes it would be really short. I would hate to compare that number to the number of minutes that I have been alive. I would make his 70,560 minutes seem like nothing. But in his 70,560 minutes, I was a first time mom that cheered on her son over every obstacle and crying at every set back. I wished every one of the 4,233,600 seconds that he would come home with us.

The moments that we had with Phoenix were timeless. If the world came to an end, while we were sitting there with him, it wouldn't have mattered. I remember each special moment as if it was yesterday. At each moment, time stood still for us. If I measured his life in moments, he would be an old man over 1,000,000 years old. It is amazing how many moments happen in 70,560 minutes. When life is cut so short, it is the 1,000,000 different moments that we hold onto and they get us through a tough day. I know in those 70,560 minutes, with having those 1,000,00 moments, his Mommy was the luckiest one of all. "It is the moments that matter most."

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Remember to make each moment count.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (11) | Permalink

FOREVER ETCHED

Sep 29, 2008 04:32am (EST)

October 3, 2008, will be our 10th wedding anniversary. Ten years of wedded bliss or you can take Jeromy's version by remembering his saying of "husband years are like dog years but longer." Take whatever version you like but just know that it is a BIG anniversary. We've been discussing how we are going to spend this BIG day for us. Better yet, we've been discussing what we wanted to get each other to say thank you for spending your life with me. I had a clue as to what Jeromy was going to ask me for but not 100% for sure. So I put the question out there. His response was exactly what I expected it to be. I will quote, "I want a tattoo." My thought was confirmed. No problem. It was the answer to my next question that stopped me dead in my tracks. I asked him what kind of tattoo did he want. Please keep in mind that he has been toying with this idea of getting a tattoo for 13 years but could never settle on what he wanted. His response, "I want a portrait of Phoenix." My thought to myself, "oh, crap (that line was censored)."

The tattoo discussion ensued over the next few days. I talked him into something that would represent Phoenix. We looked all over the internet, books, and we tried to draw something (neither one of us is an artist). We came up with a few possible ideas but nothing put a spark in his eye like the portrait idea. I tried so desperately to talk him out of it. I wasn't trying to talk him out of the tattoo but only of the portrait. I was convinced that I wouldn't find someone to do our son justice. I just didn't want it to be a botch job. This is what he wanted so I had to make it happen.

The search was on for a tattoo artist that specialized in portraits. Anyone can say that they specialize in something but not really mean it. Not only was I looking for an artist but someone that also had a clean shop and was reliable. This whole idea made me nervous. I had to find someone not only to meet those simple standards but they had to handle my son's pictures with the most ultimate care. I HAD TO TRUST THEM!!! I needed help and encouragement so I called Colleen for a short conversation about it. She gave me some pointers and the search was on.

Usually with something like this, I would go back to the person who had inked me. But it was so long ago and I couldn't remember his name. I asked a couple of people about someone and only one name came up. I searched his shop one the internet. I found that his is the owner, rated one of the cleanest shops in the United States, and he specialized in portraits. I studied his portfolio backwards and forwards. We made the appointment to talk to Don, the tattoo artist. We took our two favorite pictures just for reference. We wanted to make some changes to Jeromy's favorite. We wanted to open the eyes more and remove the tubes. He made me feel so comfortable, that I even toyed with the idea. We set the appointment for just over a week later. Jeromy was so excited but I didn't want him to be disappointed.

Last Saturday was Jeromy's appointment. He showed us the changed picture and I was in shock. I wanted to cry. I was looking at my son with NO TUBES. I wanted to cry but I was excited at the same time. I watched for two hours as this amazing piece of art work took shape. I was in awe the whole time. After so much time past they would take a break. Don would look at us and say "just remember, it's not done yet." When I would look at it, I would think to myself, "how could it get any better?" But it only got better. It was life-like. I found the right person, I trusted the right person and Don did my son justice. I couldn't have asked for a better person to do this. My pictures that I took don't do the art work justice.

Thank you, Don. The tattoo is more than I ever expected. I couldn't have asked a better person to take on this tattoo. For the job that you've done, and the gift you gave my husband, I will be forever grateful!!!!

I have to say that I got a tattoo as well.

The pictures are as follows:
1. My favorite picture
2. Jeromy's favorite picture
3. Jeromy's tattoo
4. My tattoo

Just so you know, you can't really see it in the picture but Jeromy's tattoo was done in black and white and Phoenix has blue eyes.

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Blue eyes

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (14) | Permalink

CROSSES ALONG THE ROAD

Sep 23, 2008 04:18am (EST)

There is a section of the expressway, here in my town, that we travel frequently. There was something that I really haven't noticed before. I really don't know what made me notice them but I did. On a mile stretch of the expressway there are several crosses on the side (off in the grassy knoll). Well, to be exact, there are 5 crosses in a one mile stretch. If you travel from one end to another there are several more. Each cross marking where someone lost their life. At first, it was just a cross. Three years ago, I realized that each of these crosses represented a person. They were someone's daughter, son, sister, brother, mother or father. These were people's lives.

I've studied these crosses (at a high rate of speed). But with each time I pass these crosses I always notice something different. Some of them have a picture of the person blowing gently with each passing car. Some are painted with the person's favorite color, or favorite team color with the team name down the front of them. Some are just painted white with the name of the person painted in black with a wreath hanging from them.

Each cross consist of not only a life but a story of what happened to this person. Some stories you hear about on the news, and there are some that you don't hear about at all. Who controls that? Each story should be known. Each life matters.

Last weekend, my mind ran away from me. I was thinking, if I had to make a cross for Phoenix what would it look like? I thought about it for hours. I only came up with a basic idea. His cross would be baby blue, his name would be in white. I know that I would hang a wreath of white daisies with his picture in the middle. As for a favorite team, hobbies, or color, they would be left out as we didn't get to know what those would be.

Phoenix never got to see his home or his room. He lived his 7 precious weeks in the hospital. He was only outside the hospital one time and that was when he was transferred to another hospital. He never got to feel the sun beaming on his face. You may ask if Phoenix's cross would be placed at the hospital? The answer to that question would be no. I thought about it and in a moment, one short moment, I came up with the answer to the location. In fact, it was the easiest one that I answered. His cross already has a location.....it is forever etched on my heart!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (9) | Permalink

SEPTEMBER 13

Sep 14, 2008 12:52am (EST)

I can't believe that it has been 3 years since Phoenix left us. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like so long ago. Today, I just feel lost. I am really trying to keep going today but my heart always skips a beat. We went to the cementary today to take flowers and to put Halloween decorations out. First, I look at my dad's headstone. It was 5 years ago last August since he past. I turn my focus to Phoenix's and I am fixated on the date and his name. It was really hard to get past that and to function. I put out a pumpkin that had bells on it. It was windy here so I was hoping that the wind would blow them (I don't know why but I just did). As I was telling Jeromy that I wished that the wind would blow them so that they would make noise, a big gust of wind came through and they made the slightest noise. Without thinking, I said, "thanks, baby." Jeromy looks at me with this weird look. I just told him that he wanted to make his mommy happy. Peace came over me for just a little bit.

We spent the morning watching coverage of Ike as if it were a soap opera. I did the same when Katrina hit (that was the same time the Phoenix was in the NICU). Watching the hurricane and the destruction took me back. As we were watching people wading out of the flooding waters, I thought back to the events of Phoenix's last day. It's not that I don't want to remember, I just don't want to deal. I want my thoughts today to be of him like he was in our favorite pictures (no vent, no tape, and no IV tubes). I want to see his big blue eyes and see him grabbing at everything. I want to see Phoenix just being Phoenix. I wish that it was as easy as it was to type it but it is something that we have to work on for the rest of our lives.

Mommy miss you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (13) | Permalink

"TIME FLIES...SO GO FIND IT!!"

Aug 27, 2008 04:21am (EST)

That is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite cartoon character, Maxine. I love her humor. I went looking for time but all I could find was dust bunnies and spider webs around this blog. I have been gone for awhile but with good reason. I will have to catch you up on some things that have been going on. I won't tell you what page that I found my blog on (it's not a good number).

School is going well. In May, I finished A&P I. That class was a nightmare. It wasn't so much the material that we covered but the professor sucked. I was suppose to have one professor and at the last minute the school made a switch and I ended up with the worst professor ever. Let me tell you how bad it was. We had 10-15 pages of homework a night, reading the material, studing for exams, doing outlines of the chapters and writing papers (yes, I said papers for A&P I). On top of all that work, there was work to do in the lab portion. We started out with 40 people in the class. The day of the final, 6 people were taking the final and only 3 of them were passing. I made it out with a B. I was so glad that is over.

On my birthday weekend, we moved back to the city. Living in the country was nice and relaxing but I missed the city. Jeromy and I were driving into Louisville (about an hour away) 6 days a week EACH. It didn't make it easy on the wallet when gas went up. We were spending way too much for gas. I can't tell you how nice it is to go somewhere to eat and it only takes 5 minutes to get there or driving 15 minutes to work. I am a city girl at heart. I can't help that.

A week after we moved, summer school started. I took A&P II. It was 2 1/2 hours of class twice a week plus a 4 hour lab on Friday. I had the professor that I was suppose to have in the spring semester. She was wonderful and I learned so much from her. I made an A in that class and I can say that I am educated in the science of anatomy.

I had 13 days off of school. I have no idea what happen to those days. If anyone finds those days please return them to me. Now I am taking my last class before I apply to the nursing program. It is microbiology. I am excited for this class. So far it has been fun. I think this will be my favorite subject (please don't quote me on that). Maybe I should say so far so good.

Work is still going well. I am learning so much working in the hospital. The nusres that I work with will answer any question that I have. I stand back and watch them work. I am in total awe of them. They are truely amazing people.

I haven't had the time to tell you about the walk this year. I ran my family team, "Phoenix's Phamily" and I was one of the captains for the hospital team (let's not forget work and school). I had a lot of sleepless nights. It was fun walking with my family and some of the nurses from work. It was a side that you normal don't see. My older sister, Lisa, and I did Angel Avenue this year. We put a lot of work into it this year. I wanted to make it different and special for each of the families. We were up until 3am and we got up to go at 6am. But it was well worth it and I would do it again. I almost forgot...PHOENIX'S PHAMILY WON THE T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!!! It was special for my niece, Peyton. She told everyone around her that we won. Plus she got to model the shirt infront of everyone with the U of L cardinal. I tried to attach pictures of our shirt but it said that it was too big. I lost my blog that I typed before too, so I am typing this for the second time. As soon as I figure it out I will post the pictures of the shirt. I will have to say that it was the best one. Sorry, I had to pat myself on the back again.

I love to blog. When I am driving to who knows where, I think of blogs and I have them swirling in my head in hopes that I will get some time to type them out. So I need to empty my thoughts out of my head so I can learn more at school. I did take 30 minutes out of my day to get my haircut (it hasn't been cut since April). I have some beautiful flowers blooming at my new place but don't ask me what they smell like. I haven't had time to stop and smell them. LOL!!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

Here are some pictures of Angel Avenue and Peyton modeling our shirt.

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (9) | Permalink

DEAR SANTA......

Dec 21, 2007 02:41am (EST)

It's been a long time since I wrote the words "Dear Santa". While reading blogs, I wondered what I would say to the jolly fat man. Then I thought, how nice would that be if he was REAL. So I decided to go ahead a write a letter just in case he is real. I think that my letter would go something like this:

Dear Santa,

I am so sorry that I haven't written in awhile. I think that it has been 27 years since I wrote my last letter to you. There is just something about believing in a magical, all-knowing and jolly man that grants Christmas wishes to all of the good little boys and girls all over the world in one night. When I think of you, the words "if something is too good to be true than it probably is a hoax." With that thought I stopped believing. Some would say that I just grew up. There is a small piece of me that says that you ARE real. I WANT to believe again.

Christmas is different at my house. There is no chimney for you to slide down and there isn't a Christmas tree for you to place presents under. Our spirits are broken since we endured the loss of our son. With all of that aside, I am still hoping that you could grant me a Christmas wish. I wish for a white Christmas. I would love to wake up with a white blanket covering the ground and big flakes falling from the heavens. I want to feel the inner peace that snow brings. I want to sit on my couch, covered in a blanket while the ground is being showered with big white flakes.

I know that you are probably thinking that I am nuts for writing you and asking for snow. Maybe I am but it is the only Christmas wish that you can help me with. I won't tell you that I have been good and make up things to make me look like a better person. I think that you have expirence with making that judgment call. If I wake up Christmas morning and there is snow falling, I will know 3 things:
1. That I have been good all year.
2. That you ARE real (trust what is in your heart).
3. See picture below for number 3.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Next time I won't take 27 years to write again. Have a safe flight and tell Mrs. Clause I said hi and thank her for sharing you with the world.

Angi
The non-believer who wants to believe

Merry Christmas to everyone!!!!!!

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (11) | Permalink

BACK IN THE NICU

Nov 21, 2007 06:50am (EST)

I am going back in the NICU but this time it's a good thing. On Monday, I signed a job offer to be a nursery tech in the NICU. It's a part time position and I will be able to work around my school schedule. I start this Monday with hospital orientation. It is unreal how it all fell into place. I finished my CNA class in October and took my state test. The way that the CNA class fell, I couldn't take any other classes. I was in search for something to do. I've been on such a fast pace lately that it is killing me to slow down. One day I was looking on the internet for jobs in the hospital when I came across this one. It is at the same hospital that my older sister works. I called her to see if she knew anything about it and she told me that the woman that I helped with the walk efforts was in charge of that position. I e-mailed her and she told me about the position. I was so excited. I filled out the on-line application, interviewed, was offered the position and accepted the position with a big smile.

I won't be in the same hospital that Phoenix was in but it will be the same doctor's group that took care of him. This is the hospital that I said that I wanted to work when I graduated. I really look forward to seeing the doctors again. The ironic part about this position is my primary function in the unit. My primary function is mixing the formula. Two years ago, when I was researching NEC, there was a suspected link between formula and NEC (nothing was proven but there was a link because of the increased number of babies that were formula fed vs breast fed babies). I am looking forward to learning and I will soak up every bit of knowledge that I can.

On a different note, I am attaching some pictures from PAD. Our NICU Family Support Committee made pink and blue fleece blankets for the families in the NICU. We made about 32 of them. We rolled them up and tied them with pink and blue ribbon. It was a fun project. The last picture is me, Kelly and Mary Beth (our NICU Family Specialist).

Mommy misses you, Phoenix!!!!
Mommy loves you, Phoenix!!!!

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Posted by PHOENIX'S MOM | Comments: (15) | Permalink

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