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liz loschinskey |
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HI.
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Jul 09, 2010 01:30pm (EST)
So the other day, I mentioned I was sad. I don't preach God or Jesus by any means however. Mike and I go to our neighbors funeral, baptist church wonderful, until the preacher starts talking about heaven what it's like, how we get in, how beautiful it is. As long as you believe and have faith in God you will end up in heaven. Back in '03, I didn't believe...He took my mom from me I didn't believe in Him. Mikey, passed away on his 7th day. I needed strength somehow from somewhere and decided to get some mental help and turn to God and my bible to make sure Mikey went to heaven. Now, 2010, I believe, I have for years now. And look...Tori is here, 9 months now. Pretty amazing.
To the sad day, I watch my neice during the day because I'm home with Tori. Mom in law comes to the house to watch the girls while mike and I are at this funeral. By the time we get home, I'm crying so bad I can't go in the house because I'm still thinking had I believed in my Heavenly Father my son would still be alive. I ask mom in law to take neice with her to her house because I am crying like I am. No 10 year old needs to watch that the next few hours. Her mom comes to pick her up about 2 hours later, claims she was banging on the door for 15 minutes. Had she been, my dog would have been going nuts, the dog wasn't. I was reading my bible making sure my son went to heaven in a room in the house where you can't hear anyone banging on the door. I answer the door, with my wiped tears, and say she's at your mom's. Next thing you know, my husband calls me later that night telling me "my sister said you need to go to rehab. You were all f'ed up when she came to pick up the neice."
What?
She told the whole family I was high and my eyes were all puffy and I was not all together blah blah blah. I called her, no answer, I call her again, talk to her, ask her why she did what she did and if she had a problem/question why didn't she ask me, instead of calling my husband at work. As I'm trying to explain myself to her on the phone of the crying the words "constantly dwelling on the past, get over it, and you cry every day" I don't cry every day.....This is so horrible to think or say....What I am thinking right now is so horrible I'm not even going to type it. She is now 14 weeks pregnant. I love her, but mind your own business. Seriously. Watch your child die in your arms then tell me to get over it and stop dwelling. 
This part of my life will never ever leave me. I will start crying at the drop of a dime when it comes to my son. Do you think other people understand that?
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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DEFORMATIONAL PLAGIOCEPHALY
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Jul 02, 2010 09:39am (EST)
Just another slight hurdle to jump. Because of her 109 day nicu stay we've acquired a flat head. There is only so much repositioning you can do in an isolette. We've been trying through physical therapy and repositioning, but when she sleeps, just like us, we find that comfy spot, we lay on it all the time.
In the meantime, her favorite spot, is now pushing the right side of her forehead up, her eyesocket up, and her cheek bone up, also her ears are slightly uneven. Again, all of this is barely noticeable, but her 2 back plates are hardening already, and her 2 front skull plates are still soft, so we need to get this done asap, before we harden.
Did or does anyone else have a helmet and how did your child adjust?
Let me know how it went for you, please.
Love and light,
Liz
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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I'M AN IDIOT!
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Jul 01, 2010 10:47am (EST)
I don't know how I forgot my password or screen name for share, but I did, and it hit me this morning....HOORAY!
Ok, where to start. Tori is now 9 1/2 months old. Just when Mike and I think everything is great and she will be super...no more hospitals, no more speacialists. BLAM! We switched cardiologists because she told us "We will have to crack her chest open to fix it"
wtf is this female dog talking about.....so we find a new cardiologist to tell us a completely opposite story. For those who don't know, Tori has an ASD in her heart that is about 5-6mm large. Slightly enlarged heart as well. Children's hospital is telling us we have nothing to worry about until about kindergarden time, ASSuming it doesn't get smaller. Slowly but surely it is getting smaller, however we are not gaining weight fast enough. We are still in the zero percentile on height and weight but she is continuously and consistantly growing. 1lb, 1oz, now11lb's 3oz. born at 11.5" now 22". She is growing. We are off all meds now, includng the aldactizide which keeps the fluid from building in her lungs, so now we have a pulmonary dr to add to our specialists, he is really nice. Still have the A/B monitor here at the house, a pulse ox machine and the oxygen here, none of which we use....ever.it's been well over 3 months she's been on oxygen, well over 3 months shes been on the a/b monitor, and we do still use the pulse ox when we know we are going on long car rides, just in case she falls asleep and her head drops downand blocks her airway somehow.
I know I should not be upset about this but I am, Only because I do everything I can to protect this little girl, and I can not stop or control what other people do or say. We go to a place called Union Orthotics & Prosthetics company. She's got a little thing called Deformational plagiocephaly. Flat head! I sit here and chuckle a bit because mike and I have done everything in our power to fix this before it got to this point. physical therapy, aggressive repositioning(when I say aggressive, I mean a screaming child like I'm breaking her limbs off). So tomorrow, we go get her head lasered to get fit for a helmet--23 hours a day, 4-6 months. We are hoping closer to 3-4 months. It's barely noticeable to the naked eye, but it's definatly there. Will up date more on that after the appt.
How about me? May and June suck. /:
Happy mother's day to a mom who lost her first born son. May 29, 2003, 24 weeks gestation....what the hell are you talking about???? I can't be going into labor....I'm here for a regular dr's appointment. Panic sets in, and that's about all I remember. June 6th, 2003.....What do you mean there is nothing else you can do for him? He was blueish grey, and here I am still thinking they can keep him alive with no physical or mental problems. I'll never for the life of me will forget those last few breaths, the smell of the sticky part of the stickers to keep the air tubes in, how light he actually was, and yes his final breath. So selfish I am, not allowing anyone to touch MY child for a good 2 hours, just crying. Kicking everyone EVERYONE out of the room and it was he and I. June 27th my mother's birth day. Tori has met her brother and mamau. Mikey is buried on top of my mother. So we took Mikey his birthday presents and placed them on his tomb stone. Tori touching the outline of the babysitting next to the lamb on the head stone. We Went back to the cemetery last week and saw mamau(grammy) took her some flowers.
My husband must think I'm crazy...I cry alot, I eat mental meds, I am extremely, overly protective of Tori, even when it comes to Mike. I absolutely refuse to let anything happen to this girl. She's been through so much, and it's as if she is flourishing everyday. I define myself by my daughter and husband.
I will some day have the balls to put up pictures of my son, I pulled them out for my march of dimes walk and they were not ...he did not lookhuman like. but here are some recent pictures of Tori.
I've missed and love you guys--
Liz
abby 003
abby 001
aviary 027
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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HI.
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Jan 13, 2010 02:41pm (EST)
Morning mod'ers.
I'm pretty tired.
Tori's doing great.
Sleeps, eats, plays on schedule everyday. I've finally mastered her 3 hour schedule.
I live in Pittsburgh, PA--have any of you used Apria healthcare for medical equipment and supplies?
I ordered leads for her monitor last thursday. They still aren't here. So I call yesterday....I had to reorder because someone on Apria's end messed up. Which is fine, but it takes 3-5 business days to get the leads via ups. This monitor is driving me nuts. I panic when it goes off. Not panic, but jump to make sure she's still breathing.
Bah...I need a nap!
Have a good day everyone!
Liz
3hours later....imagine that....apria called for my copay before sending the leads that take 3-5 business days to get here. I said dude, you have my visa numbers...charge the $3.50 to that. Thank you apria for finally processing my order. jerks.
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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HOORAY FOR SNOW!
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Jan 08, 2010 09:47pm (EST)
Dr's appointment went well. She hit 5 lb's, 1oz. 5 pounds?! 17.5" long. 17??!! Amazing. Our Dr. is amazing, he is very nice, and explained everything wonderfully. Dumb nurse, 'accidentally' ripped one of her leads off, not only once, but twice. Hearing that monitor go off in a different room at the dr's office threw me into panic mode.
Dr. Kahill, had nothing but wonderful things to say...she has good color, her eyes are wide, very alert, big belly, eating good, gaining good, she looks good. Next appt Feb 4 at 9.30am.
We got home and her monitor went off twice telling us she wasn't breathing.....Jesus, just as I typed that the thing went off again. Color's good, she's still breathing.
Next feeding is at 5-I am changing the leads. Give me a God damn heart attack.
She's come such a long way....490g's now 5lb's 11.5" to 17.5" Amen!
Jen-Mike is doing good. He loves his little girl. He kangaroo's with her, chnges diapers, feeds her, medicates her, and takes care of the 11pm, 2am, and 5am feedings. Thank Gosh. It is his strength that got me through this. I love this man for loving me and Tori. I wouldn't change anything.
Gotta go get meds ready-
Love and light to you all,
Liz
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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HRM...
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Jan 08, 2010 01:46pm (EST)
peeking through the window*
What the hell.....we got so much snow. It is still snowing....We have a ped appt in 4 hours.
blink, blink*
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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FINALLY..
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Jan 06, 2010 12:13pm (EST)
She's home.
Eye test, still level 1 rop in left eye, due to prematurity.
Purposley putting her to my right, turning her head to the left, and seeing what she does. She's consistantly turning her head to the right. We need to break that habit.
All I know is she's home. On o2 and resp monitor, but it's all good. Home nursing coming tomorrow to check up on her, and first appointment with her pediatrition Friday.
God is good.
Love and light,
Liz
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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