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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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NathansMom136 |
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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LBT
liz loschinskey |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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HOME
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May 01, 2013 03:36am (EST)
We are home and healthy. Update more later...
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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IT'S OFFICIAL.
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Apr 24, 2013 06:51pm (EST)
This overwhelming fear of my daughter dying has been permanently fixtured into my brain the past few weeks. Now even more after watching a video the hospital makes you watch before surgery to ensure we understand and/or have any questions. Why doesn't anyone in my real world understand this looming fear I have? I want to scream from my inner being....wtf is wrong with you people? Really? How the f do you not get it?
I vividly remember the day Dr. G telling us she has a hernia that could "possibly" be pulling her ovaries through. Staring down at this tiny soul, still in an isolette due to being 3 months early. Everything that flashed through my brain 3 years ago, is yet again, flooding my brain. Will her intestines be okay? Will her fallopian tubes work? Will my only child be able to have children of her own or live this horrifying nightmare, too?
At this point, no one wants to talk about Tori's surgery, except me. Family, friends, even Mike is afraid to touch the subject. Again, scream from my gills...WTF is wrong with you people?! Why won't you listen to my fears?!
Everyday I can't wait to go to bed just so my brain stops. I've gained 7 pounds in about 3 weeks.
In the meantime, Tori is still in the dark about this upcoming trip to the hospital and surgery because I can't find the right words to tell my almost 4 year old. And guess what? No one wants to f'in help me find those words. I bought a book about going to the hospital to get a procedure done, but that's it. Any help to not instill fear into her would be appreciated. Remember at SU we had Rachel talk to us about terminology? ((lightbulb just went off to email Rachel as well!))
I ask for help my friends. If anyone has any expertise in kids with surgeries, let me know.
(Please!)
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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ME.
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Apr 02, 2013 08:05pm (EST)
Here I am, ready to cry. Rephrase, I've cried about 3 times today, already. I'm good for having pity parties for 3. Me, myself and I.
This new year has started off pretty crappy. With Tori being sick constantly. Either a virus of pukes and #2's or her asthma that turns into pneumonia or this hernia she has. She can't catch a break. (I would hate to be 3 and not be able to run around like other kids in her class.)
Hey mom's...Guess what? She can't catch a break, either can I. Either can Mike.
Since I've posted last, we have a surgery date set for April 30th to fix her hernia. We've been seen by pulmonary and endocrinology and have been signifigantly better when it comes to breathing. Hooray.
I feel very selfish right now. I've been doing for me. I went to the PCP for myself on March 8th. Feeling like crap, my whole body hurting, attitude changing, nearly depressed--I wasn't myself. Turns out I've been anemic for quite some time(Dr's think it stems back to pregnancy with Tori in '09) and I had no idea.
4 blood transfusions, 3 iron infusions, 5 days in the hospital, 2 blood clots and 3 ER visits later...I still feel kind of crappy.
I was back at the hospital this morning because it felt like my arm was going to explode and there is clearly a clot in my arm...again. Another ultrasound of my arm revealed that I indeed have a clot the length of my forearm...wrist to elbow. I went to the ER after talking to my hemotologist this morning explaining the clot is back, hurts like hello dolly, and my hand keeps falling asleep or feels as tho it keeps falling asleep. She sent me to the ER.
Now, I have to inject myself with lovenox twice a day and they put me on pain killers(which haven't touched the pain in my arm, but are making watching cartoons much more fun). Lovenox is a blood thinner that is in a shot form. Let me tell you first, it hurts, 2nd it is making physically sick, and 3rd, I"ve a bruised up stomach and I've only had one injection. Twice a day for 7 days.
I'm patiently waiting for this clot to shoot into my lung or heart. I'm scared. I'm afraid to be left alone with my daughter in fear something will happen while I'm by myself. Sure, sure, it is unlikely that it will happen...it is also very unlikely to get clots in your arms. The pain is excruciating. So much so, I told about 5 people I wish my arm would fall off or please chop my arm off. I can't go to the gym or go running because again, fear paralyzes me. They told me two weeks ago, I was clear to go back to regular activity (including cardio) then I get another clot in a different spot.
Sooooooo, not only am I a little stressed out about my own health, my daughters quickly approaching surgery date has my stomach in knots. This overwhelming fear that haunts my brain everyday is my 2nd child dying. My daughter, love of my life, something terrible happening to her. Every breath I take, I think of the what if's.
I know some of you understand this.
I shudder to think of the possibilities.
Everyday, these are my thoughts. Either I am going to die or she is going to die....Both, very unlikely, yet, completely possible. I'm nearly overwhelmed with the thoughts.
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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CHD AWARENESS WEEK
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Feb 08, 2013 09:55pm (EST)
Hi guys!
It's heart month.
The week of the 7-14th is CHD Awareness Week.
CHD - Congenital Heart Disease/Defect
Tori was born with a CHD, holes in her heart.
Our local Children's hospital(CHOPittsburgh) has taken on adults specifically with CHD. Children born with one or disease who are now all grown up. These kids keep the same doctor's for life. I think it is a great idea and will save lives. For this, I am thankful.
Spread the word of CHD. It happens everyday.
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED.
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Jan 17, 2013 09:38pm (EST)
As Tori is doing significantly better since January 2nd's appointment at Children's. She has acquired some virus from someone, somewhere. Fever, head cold type symptoms. "My body hurts".
We were back at Children's Hosp today for a pulmonary appointment. Things went well. Then we left or attempted to leave. I've never seen my child go into such a melt/breakdown in her life. Screaming, biting, hitting, trying to force herself to puke, breaking out in hives....Why you ask? She wanted to go back to the waiting room to play some touch screen kid's game that was on some kind of flat screen tv. All I kept thinking...Please stop touching everything and rubbing your eyes, picking your nose or sticking your hands in your mouth, but then I lost all control of her. We drug her out literally kicking and screaming.
She's not feeling well, she fell asleep in the car and slept for 3 hours.
I'm tired. I'm exhausted. This kid is sick every effing day. I can't catch a break. I feel like I need 24-48 hours of me time in some far away hotel(right up the street). Bed, remote, tv, pj's. I feel like crying today. I was fine until that meltdown she had leaving.
I need a break.
CHOP2
CHOP
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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SURGERY?
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Dec 24, 2012 01:44pm (EST)
Hi everybody.
Again, asking for prayer.
I'm pretty positive Tori gave herself a hernia with this whole coughing/asthma thing she's had since before Halloween. The pediatrition seems to agree.
With that, we have an appointment on January 2nd with the surgeon and surgical team at Children's to go over our options on what to do.
Also, the pulmonary appointment at Children's that we made about 6 weeks ago, still isn't until the 17th of January. I've begged and pleaded with Children's and the pediatrition, asking to get this appointment moved up. Sure, the pediatrition called again, but still nothing.
I'm frustrated. Had we the pulmonary appointment a month ago, they could have possibly given us ideas, medications, something to calm this puking cough down. Instead, I'll just blow my intestines(we hope) through my abdominal muscle wall? I'm irritated. I'm scared. I'm tired. Mike and I are up every night but 2 since October. When I say up, I mean, up for 1-3 hours with her. Forget us. The girl is 3 years old. She's the one who can't breath.
-sigh-
God would not have given us this miracle if he thought we couldn't handle it or if he thought we wouldn't be able to care and nurture her. I have to remind myself of this every day.
In the meantime, a miserable child and miserable mom don't mesh well.
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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STRESSED
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Nov 20, 2012 06:13pm (EST)
I'm extremely stressed.
So stressed, my head hurts, my jaw hurts, my neck and shoulders hurt.
We aren't sleeping. She's not sleeping. We were back at the dr today who sent us to the hospital with a pulse ox of 92, pneumonia, to get xrays and to get swabs done for RSV and Pertussis.
I cry everyday.
I could run you my laundry list of every day stress. Which I can deal with. I can't deal with 5 weeks of T not feeling well on top of that.
I'm going to cry, again. I called off work today and canceled my church stuff for tonight, so I'm hoping to get some type of sanity back today?
Please, If you are the praying type, say one for us!
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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REFLECTING. HELP?
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Nov 05, 2012 02:30pm (EST)
I often look back at Tori's tiny life and think, this girl is so grateful. She is always happy, always laughing, always running around and is so excited, sometimes about something as simple as a toy wooden block she found under the sofa.
Do you think she knows how hard of a life she's had already and is moving on? Do you think she knows she has to live her life for today? I get so many compliments on her. How she is so happy, she never cries, she enjoys life, she is so well spoken, she has great manners, she listens so well. When she is surrounded by her cousins(4 of them under the age of 4) She is the one singing, dancing, running around laughing, while some of them seem lethargic in a sense. She has an easy life, so much so, we have created this spoiled brat that gets whatever she wants 9 out of 10 times. She gets 9 out of 10 times every physical/monetary thing she wants. I have created this, I am doing this. I take full responsibility.
She is 3, I am at a point with her that I have to stop with the spoiling, and seriously have to put my foot down. With this, I need to pick and choose my battles, follow through, and reprimand without screaming or spanking. Sometimes I feel as though I am literally going to do something I may regret later. Say something I will regret later.
Mother of the year award goes to me, last night. T is desperately tired and I say lets put your pj's on. The brat won't put her pj's on, instead running around her play room naked pushing over toys, climbing on things. I told her, if you don't come here to put your pj's on, I'm going to leave you in here with the light off. You come get me when you are ready. So I did exactly that, turned the light off to her playroom and walked away. She sat in there for over 20 minutes crying/screaming sitting Indian style. Mind you she is still sick, so when she gets coughing, and we don't catch it with the nebulizer, she pukes. Minute 18 and on, she is coughing,crying,screaming. She puked all over herself, her favorite stuffed animal, the carpet. Meanwhile I'm telling Mike the whole time, I'm not going to get her and either are you. I'm also telling him, the longer she is in there, the more pissed I'm getting. "If I go in and get her, I'm whooping her a$$." I said that. I have never beat my child, I rarely spank her because I feel bad doing it, so I don't do it.
The whole time she is in there screaming "mommy, mommy" I go retrieve her from the puke infested pile, she is crying, telling me "I'm sorry I got sick on beary"(Beary is her stuffed animal). "I'm sorry I got sick on beary" "I'm sorry you are mad at me" I'm sorry you left me in my playroom" She is still crying, face beet red, I gave her a breathing treatment while she is on my lap(still naked) crying. I get her calmed down, dressed and breathing without coughing and explain to her why I left her in her playroom for not listening to me when I asked her to put her pj's on. Still sobbing "I'm sorry I got sick on beary. I'm sorry you left me in my play room".
Needless to say, I felt terrible, horrible. It's like we were in this battle of who could sit in two different rooms longer. I did not give in, Mike went and got her after we heard her throwing up. He came out and said..."Did you win, honey? Were you the winner of this round?"
What the hell? What do we/I do? I chose that battle. She is 3. I'm 36. I'm not going to allow her to have control of situations all the time anymore. I know, I know, she is 3. I've created this sassiness. I need to back up about 6 months. Undo, what I've done. Hell that might even be the past year I need to undo.
Either way, I need help. I have this child that follows direction from anyone else but me, who is so happy all the time, yet, when it comes to me, she is not like that. Have I done a good job raising her thus far? Or, am I seriously, creating, this spoiled brat?
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Posted by liz loschinskey | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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