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FOR D'LON GRACE
Grace's Mom |
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MISSING HER
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Feb 23, 2010 07:06am (EST)
I cant even put to words all the pain that in my heart right now. I am just so sad. I miss her. I miss her so much. I miss us. I miss me. I miss my little family. This is so hard. I have been crying since I opened my eyes this morning. I woke up thinking I have no idea how I am going to leave with this pain the rest of my life. Then I reminded myself I only have to get through today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. It is now 9am and I have had to remind myself I only have to get through this minute and let the next minute take care of itself. I never thought I would ever be in a place in my life where I am so sad I dont know how I am going to make it through another minute. Can you imagine how sad a person has to be to not know how they are going to make it through another minute? Unfortunately, I know many of you do.
Please, family, keep me in your thoughts and prayers today. I am having an extremely hard time dealing with my reality right now.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (19) | Permalink
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ME
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Feb 15, 2010 11:26am (EST)
Hi everybody! It’s been a while since I have blogged and although, I have some things I need to say from my heart of hearts, I’m not quite ready to go there yet. I am always so drained when I speak from that place. I still awake and fall asleep to tears, as those are the times of day where my reality blares the loudest.
So, those of you on FB know that I am back in school. I didn’t tell anyone initially, family or friends, just in case it proved to be too much for me and I dropped out. I struggled through high school and limped through college and I didn’t have all the baggage that I have now back then. However, to my surprise I LOVE IT!! I attend class on campus twice a week and once a week online. On campus I am just Yolonda. I’m neither a preemie mom nor an angel mom. I am not someone heavy in grief. I’m just the cool 40 year old woman that no one believe is 40 because as I have been told, “you don’t look or act like my momma!” According to some of the guys, I can still get it (whatever it is) and between you and me, if I was not a happily married woman I could easily become a cougar 
Let’s see what else…I just recently got re-certified in infant & adult CPR and First Aid. I had to use CPR on D’Lon about 6 months after she discharged from the NICU. Some water from the humidifier cup shot up her nasal cannula down her throat and cut off her airway. I had to deliver back blows and rescue breaths. I decided then, I wanted formal training and have been certified ever since. The instructor that certified me this time was so impressed with me, she is going to train me to become a certified CPR instructor. I will be starting my training for that soon. If I am a certified CPR instructor by ShareUnion 2010, I will train and certify anyone interested in getting her CPR certification for free. The infant and adult certification is good for a year and the First Aid component is good for 3.
Um I know there’s something else…oh yeah, I think I may have found my church home. I visited this teeny little church in the country called Believer’s Baptist. Dwayne and I walked in this place and I just felt like I was meant to be there. Even if it doesn’t become my “official” church, I know that I will visit often.
Okay, that’s about it. I think I have caught yall up on what has been going on with me. The good stuff anyway, but prepare yourselves; one of “those” kinds of blog entry is coming soon. Just not today.
Yolonda
ps...Kelly Parsons, Oh Kelly Parsons...If you read this, I am studying in your field. Be preapred...there will be questions.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (15) | Permalink
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MISSING IN ACTION/NEW YEAR
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Jan 04, 2010 08:42am (EST)
I know that I have been missing in action. The last 3 weeks of the year I just disconnected. Disconnected from facebook, myspace, email, text messaging, and phone calls. I really did not feel a part of the celebration and warm vibes the end of the year holidays bring. As happy as I know that time of year use to make me and still make others, I am so very glad that it over. I felt completely overwhelmed by the commercials and just the holiday cheer in general. I know that sounds so ugly.
Dwayne took the last 2 weeks of the year off and we were joined at the hip. We spent a lot of good quality time. He kidnapped me a couple of days before Christmas. I thought we were going to lunch and I didn’t bring my purse, phone or anything with me. We ended up in Mississippi at one of his co-workers cabin. It was beautiful. We talked about a lot of things and expressed many, many feelings. He so desperately want to fix it, and I so desperately wish he could. We miss our little girl so much and neither one of us can fathom how in the world we have been able to keep waking up 15 months later. We also have decided we are two of the strongest people that we know and at this point, there is nothing that life can throw at us that we, as a team, wont be able to withstand. We have been a team for 20 years. We know, respect, and value the promised love between two people and we know the pure unconditional love of a child. Yes we wanted the opportunity to create more memories just by us being a family living our lives, and since we were not given that opportunity, we simply cherish the blessing in having her physical presence in our life for 3 years. Although it was not enough, I would rather have had those years than to not.
So, now we are in a new year. I normally never make New Year’s resolutions but, I did make one this year. I simply vow to be a better friend. Being a better friend does not mean that you will get the me I was before D’Lons death. That person is gone. I have accepted it and I need for the people in my life to accept it too. However, I vow to do my part in maintaining my friendships. For the past year and a half I have been expecting my friends to understand and to do more of the compromising in our relationship. Well, I know that when one person is doing more of the compromising in a relationship than the other, eventually that compromising becomes surrender. Surrendering your own feelings, thoughts and opinions for fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, or thinking I’m going to blow what may be going on in your life off because nothing compares to the death of a child. I cant keep continuing to live my life based on My NunaGirl’s death and I cant keep expecting the flowers in my garden to stay beautiful if I am not providing my share of the nutrients needed for them to bloom. To my beautiful flowers, thank you for hanging in there even when I do not provide water. Please know that in 2010, I will do my part in keeping our garden healthy.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (15) | Permalink
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INNOCENCE LOST
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Dec 07, 2009 05:58am (EST)
I read a story to Dwayne about a woman who took a pill prescribed by her doctor and it caused her to go into premature labor. It turned out, the wife of her child’s father had posed as someone from her ob’s office instructing her to pick up the called in prescription and instructed the woman to take the pill to prevent her child from being born with Down’s Syndrom. I made the statement that the expectant woman was an idiot and Dwayne said that I was being judgmental and basing my opinion on my medical knowledge. I said no I was basing my opinion off of common knowledge. This woman was 37 weeks pregnant, plus she had an amio several weeks back. Plus she was 38 years old and I refused to believe that somewhere in 38 years of life she hasn’t learned that Down’s Syndrome is a chromosome defect and not something that could be cured or stopped with a pill at 37 weeks gestation. If Down’s Syndrome could be prevented by a pill in utero there would be no children born with Down’s Syndrome in 2009. I wanted, no needed for Dwayne to acknowledge that I was basing my opinion on what should be common knowledge at 38 years old and not based on the feelings of tainted preemie/angel mom and her vast medical knowledge, broken heart, and somewhat bitter personality.
While I still stand by my opinion a day later, my mind forced me to playback the entire conversation for a better understanding of why I needed for Dwayne to acknowledge the source from which my opinion was based. I eventually conceded to the fact that I am tainted. Where the whole preemie/nicu thing damaged my innocence, my child’s death has completely removed it from my life. I no longer view any situation through innocent eyes. I now know that every baby born premature does not come into the world a feeder grower weighing 4 pounds. You know the preemies you hear about that are now the biggest child or adult in the room. I know there is NO safe zone in a pregnancy. I know of other preemies, the ones that have to fight to live. I even know there are exceptions to even the 4-pound preemies, not all of them have an easy road either. I know that children die. I am acutely aware of my child’s death every second of every day and it affects how I view everything. How it doesn't allow me to give many people passes on the fact that they just didnt know.
Oh how I wish I could go back to that place where my innonence was just damaged, because the damaged was filled with lots of hope! My child discharged from the NICU and I had nothing but hope for the life she fought hard to keep. I didnt see her death coming. And although I know I am blessed in having her as long as we did, having her as long as we did was not enough.
14 months 11 days since her death with the rest of my life to go.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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D'LON GRACE TRAVELS WORLD PHOTOS
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Nov 16, 2009 01:07pm (EST)
I have so many thought rambling around in my head and I came here prepared to get it all of my chest, but have now decided I really dont feel like going to that place right now. It is such a sad draining place that lives right below the surface.
Instead I have decided to share more of our D'Lon Grace Travels world photos, she has been so many places I can hardly believe it!
Enjoy!
Dauphin Island, AL
DGT Gates County High School
D'Lon_Pangkor, Malaysia
Fisher, Indiana
Myrtle Beach, SC
Shawnee, KS
Tuan Chau Beach - Ha Long, Vietnam - Asia
Washington D
Los Angeles, CA
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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SHAREUNION 2009
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Oct 12, 2009 09:31am (EST)
One word: Powerful. It was so amazing that I completely understand why the devil was trying so hard to keep me from going. He tried everything…I lost my wallet on Tuesday of last week and in it was the credit card I used to reserve my hotel room, not to mention my debit card, identification and checkbook. Then halfway to the airport on Friday, I realize I left my purse sitting on my bed. So needless to say we had to turn around and by the time I actually made it to the airport, I was literally running to my gate. I only had time to wave to Missy (Sammy V’s Mom) and then board the plane. But the bottom line is the devil did not win, I made it safely ShareUnion 2009.
I had no idea what to really expect prior to arriving. Of course I asked the obvious questions from people who have attended in the past, but its something that really cant be described with words. It is something that you just have to experience. The love, understanding, compassion and support that is given and received on this board is not only real, but its also multiplied by 100 when you are able to put the face and voice with the people who have been there for you too many times to count. ShareUnion is something to experience and really cannot be described. Plus just being able to spend time in the same space with Kelly Parsons (Jack-n-kates_mom) is reason enough to come, trust me.
The Remembrance Ceremony will uplift you and drain you all at the same time. I have never been close to using the word healing since D’Lon passed away, and I for the first time this weekend I did. I have never experienced anything like the ceremony before and for the first time in a year, I think I am ready to leave the safety behind my front door and try to enjoy and appreciate Holland and I have Missy to help me along the way.
Julie (Whosures) and Tommie (AandO) are some of the funnies women you will ever meet and Tommie, you are just as funny in person as you are in your blogs. Trust me! Julie thank you for allowing me to speak with the very beautiful Rileybug, I’m still considering buying her that megaphone. Kate St. Clair (Kyle) and Jaclyn (LilyGraceMommy), their physical beauty may intimidate you at first, but 2 seconds into a conversation with them, their inner beauty outshine that which may have intimidated you in the first place. And can I just say each and every one of our Kelly P’s and Katie’s on the board are simply gorgeous and some of the most genuine down to earth women you will ever have the pleasure of meeting and spending time with. Angi (Phoenix’s Mom) thank you so much for everything…the talks, the understanding, and most all the validation! I didn’t know we both share the loss of our only children. My heart felt an instant connection to you from our very first conversation. My roommates Samantha (Trinity’s Mommy) and Cara (Carmela14) are two are now officially stuck with me. They are just two of sweetest and strongest women I have ever met. With all of the things these two women have been through, yes they still cry, but they smile, laugh, and enjoy life too. You guys made the experience even that much better. And I cant even mention James Soohoo without tearing up. Thank you so much for lending me your ear, sharing your boys with me, and your beautiful, beautiful words in closing ShareUnion 2009. You will never, ever know how much all of that meant to me!!!
And last but not least, I want everyone that post on this board to know that Shareyourstory is not something that the March of Dimes provide for us, it is something that they provide with us. You would not believe how much our thoughts, opinions and voices matter. Speaking of the March of Dimes, ShareUnion will definitely leave you pumped to get more involved. I have my fundraising hat on and Missy and I were brainstorming ideas of how we can bring MOD into the hospital where unfortunately sweet Sammy has spent his fair share of time. I encourage everyone to start saving now for ShareUnion 2010. It is worth every cent. Matter of fact, I told anyone who would listen, I don’t care if I have to roll pennies to get there next year. God willing, I will never miss another ShareUnion and my goal is to one day be strong enough to be added to the program of speakers. Melissa Middleton, I tip my hat to you my dear. The deliverance of your story and the grace in which delivered it has left me in awe.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (22) | Permalink
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LOST A FRIEND
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Sep 02, 2009 06:30am (EST)
Last week I received a text message from a dear friend of mine stating that, in essence, she no longer wanted to be my friend. She and her family have meant a lot to me and mine this past decade. I really don’t know what I would have done without her the first few weeks following D’Lons death.
Last week she told me she is tired of being hurt for no reason by those she love and that is why she is no longer talking to me now. The thing is, I was never Not talking to her. I don’t know how to explain to those I love that I am not the same person I was a year ago and I cant promise them that person will ever return. I know friendships, like any other living thing, must be maintained or it will die and I will be the first to admit, I have not been able to keep up with the maintenance work on many of my relationships. It’s all I can do to maintain my relationships with God, my husband, and myself right now. I have very little energy for anything else.
I feel badly that she feel as though I hurt her, however, I feel worse that the fact that this relationship being over has not caused me to lose a wink of sleep. I have not even been the least bit upset about it. I have had to say goodbye to my mom, 9 months after that – my grandma, 3 months and 17 days after that, my aunt (mother’s sister) and then 2 years to the day of my mother’s death, I had to say goodbye to my daughter. After all of that loss in a 2-year span, losing a friend, is nothing in comparison. A part of me feels as though she want or maybe even need an apology from me or an admittance of my fault, however, I feel I have nothing to apologize for. I think she wants me to fight for our friendship, but I don’t have the energy to fight that fight. With everything that I am going through, I have never put any expectation on my friends. I have never expected them to say a certain thing or act a certain way and I need for them to offer that same luxury to me.
So I thanked my friend for her friendship over the years, wished her and her family the continued gift of life, good health while they are living it, peace and happiness.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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11 MONTHS
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Aug 26, 2009 04:50am (EST)
Bittersweet. That's how I feel. Is it even an emotion? I awoke still very excited about SU until I went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and looked at the reflection in the mirror. The woman in the mirror has a sad soul and it shows through in her eyes.
It's been 11 months since my most precious blessing earned her wings. Wow! I miss her. I miss her smile and contagious laugh. I miss that sweet little voice. I miss mothering her.
My original due date was October 10, 2005 and on October 10, 2009 I will be in D.C. with all the wonderful people that taught Preemie 101 in 2005 who now try their hardest to lift my spirit and offer words of comfort and support since losing D'Lon last year. This trip is no longer somthing that I really want to do, it is something that I need to do!
Thank you all for being whatever I need you to be whenever I need you to be it. I love you all!!!!!
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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