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FOR D'LON GRACE
Grace's Mom |
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MISSING IN ACTION/NEW YEAR
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Jan 04, 2010 08:42am (EST)
I know that I have been missing in action. The last 3 weeks of the year I just disconnected. Disconnected from facebook, myspace, email, text messaging, and phone calls. I really did not feel a part of the celebration and warm vibes the end of the year holidays bring. As happy as I know that time of year use to make me and still make others, I am so very glad that it over. I felt completely overwhelmed by the commercials and just the holiday cheer in general. I know that sounds so ugly.
Dwayne took the last 2 weeks of the year off and we were joined at the hip. We spent a lot of good quality time. He kidnapped me a couple of days before Christmas. I thought we were going to lunch and I didn’t bring my purse, phone or anything with me. We ended up in Mississippi at one of his co-workers cabin. It was beautiful. We talked about a lot of things and expressed many, many feelings. He so desperately want to fix it, and I so desperately wish he could. We miss our little girl so much and neither one of us can fathom how in the world we have been able to keep waking up 15 months later. We also have decided we are two of the strongest people that we know and at this point, there is nothing that life can throw at us that we, as a team, wont be able to withstand. We have been a team for 20 years. We know, respect, and value the promised love between two people and we know the pure unconditional love of a child. Yes we wanted the opportunity to create more memories just by us being a family living our lives, and since we were not given that opportunity, we simply cherish the blessing in having her physical presence in our life for 3 years. Although it was not enough, I would rather have had those years than to not.
So, now we are in a new year. I normally never make New Year’s resolutions but, I did make one this year. I simply vow to be a better friend. Being a better friend does not mean that you will get the me I was before D’Lons death. That person is gone. I have accepted it and I need for the people in my life to accept it too. However, I vow to do my part in maintaining my friendships. For the past year and a half I have been expecting my friends to understand and to do more of the compromising in our relationship. Well, I know that when one person is doing more of the compromising in a relationship than the other, eventually that compromising becomes surrender. Surrendering your own feelings, thoughts and opinions for fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, or thinking I’m going to blow what may be going on in your life off because nothing compares to the death of a child. I cant keep continuing to live my life based on My NunaGirl’s death and I cant keep expecting the flowers in my garden to stay beautiful if I am not providing my share of the nutrients needed for them to bloom. To my beautiful flowers, thank you for hanging in there even when I do not provide water. Please know that in 2010, I will do my part in keeping our garden healthy.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (15) | Permalink
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INNOCENCE LOST
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Dec 07, 2009 05:58am (EST)
I read a story to Dwayne about a woman who took a pill prescribed by her doctor and it caused her to go into premature labor. It turned out, the wife of her child’s father had posed as someone from her ob’s office instructing her to pick up the called in prescription and instructed the woman to take the pill to prevent her child from being born with Down’s Syndrom. I made the statement that the expectant woman was an idiot and Dwayne said that I was being judgmental and basing my opinion on my medical knowledge. I said no I was basing my opinion off of common knowledge. This woman was 37 weeks pregnant, plus she had an amio several weeks back. Plus she was 38 years old and I refused to believe that somewhere in 38 years of life she hasn’t learned that Down’s Syndrome is a chromosome defect and not something that could be cured or stopped with a pill at 37 weeks gestation. If Down’s Syndrome could be prevented by a pill in utero there would be no children born with Down’s Syndrome in 2009. I wanted, no needed for Dwayne to acknowledge that I was basing my opinion on what should be common knowledge at 38 years old and not based on the feelings of tainted preemie/angel mom and her vast medical knowledge, broken heart, and somewhat bitter personality.
While I still stand by my opinion a day later, my mind forced me to playback the entire conversation for a better understanding of why I needed for Dwayne to acknowledge the source from which my opinion was based. I eventually conceded to the fact that I am tainted. Where the whole preemie/nicu thing damaged my innocence, my child’s death has completely removed it from my life. I no longer view any situation through innocent eyes. I now know that every baby born premature does not come into the world a feeder grower weighing 4 pounds. You know the preemies you hear about that are now the biggest child or adult in the room. I know there is NO safe zone in a pregnancy. I know of other preemies, the ones that have to fight to live. I even know there are exceptions to even the 4-pound preemies, not all of them have an easy road either. I know that children die. I am acutely aware of my child’s death every second of every day and it affects how I view everything. How it doesn't allow me to give many people passes on the fact that they just didnt know.
Oh how I wish I could go back to that place where my innonence was just damaged, because the damaged was filled with lots of hope! My child discharged from the NICU and I had nothing but hope for the life she fought hard to keep. I didnt see her death coming. And although I know I am blessed in having her as long as we did, having her as long as we did was not enough.
14 months 11 days since her death with the rest of my life to go.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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D'LON GRACE TRAVELS WORLD PHOTOS
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Nov 16, 2009 01:07pm (EST)
I have so many thought rambling around in my head and I came here prepared to get it all of my chest, but have now decided I really dont feel like going to that place right now. It is such a sad draining place that lives right below the surface.
Instead I have decided to share more of our D'Lon Grace Travels world photos, she has been so many places I can hardly believe it!
Enjoy!
Dauphin Island, AL
DGT Gates County High School
D'Lon_Pangkor, Malaysia
Fisher, Indiana
Los Angeles, CA
Myrtle Beach, SC
Shawnee, KS
Tuan Chau Beach - Ha Long, Vietnam - Asia
Washington D
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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SHAREUNION 2009
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Oct 12, 2009 09:31am (EST)
One word: Powerful. It was so amazing that I completely understand why the devil was trying so hard to keep me from going. He tried everything…I lost my wallet on Tuesday of last week and in it was the credit card I used to reserve my hotel room, not to mention my debit card, identification and checkbook. Then halfway to the airport on Friday, I realize I left my purse sitting on my bed. So needless to say we had to turn around and by the time I actually made it to the airport, I was literally running to my gate. I only had time to wave to Missy (Sammy V’s Mom) and then board the plane. But the bottom line is the devil did not win, I made it safely ShareUnion 2009.
I had no idea what to really expect prior to arriving. Of course I asked the obvious questions from people who have attended in the past, but its something that really cant be described with words. It is something that you just have to experience. The love, understanding, compassion and support that is given and received on this board is not only real, but its also multiplied by 100 when you are able to put the face and voice with the people who have been there for you too many times to count. ShareUnion is something to experience and really cannot be described. Plus just being able to spend time in the same space with Kelly Parsons (Jack-n-kates_mom) is reason enough to come, trust me.
The Remembrance Ceremony will uplift you and drain you all at the same time. I have never been close to using the word healing since D’Lon passed away, and I for the first time this weekend I did. I have never experienced anything like the ceremony before and for the first time in a year, I think I am ready to leave the safety behind my front door and try to enjoy and appreciate Holland and I have Missy to help me along the way.
Julie (Whosures) and Tommie (AandO) are some of the funnies women you will ever meet and Tommie, you are just as funny in person as you are in your blogs. Trust me! Julie thank you for allowing me to speak with the very beautiful Rileybug, I’m still considering buying her that megaphone. Kate St. Clair (Kyle) and Jaclyn (LilyGraceMommy), their physical beauty may intimidate you at first, but 2 seconds into a conversation with them, their inner beauty outshine that which may have intimidated you in the first place. And can I just say each and every one of our Kelly P’s and Katie’s on the board are simply gorgeous and some of the most genuine down to earth women you will ever have the pleasure of meeting and spending time with. Angi (Phoenix’s Mom) thank you so much for everything…the talks, the understanding, and most all the validation! I didn’t know we both share the loss of our only children. My heart felt an instant connection to you from our very first conversation. My roommates Samantha (Trinity’s Mommy) and Cara (Carmela14) are two are now officially stuck with me. They are just two of sweetest and strongest women I have ever met. With all of the things these two women have been through, yes they still cry, but they smile, laugh, and enjoy life too. You guys made the experience even that much better. And I cant even mention James Soohoo without tearing up. Thank you so much for lending me your ear, sharing your boys with me, and your beautiful, beautiful words in closing ShareUnion 2009. You will never, ever know how much all of that meant to me!!!
And last but not least, I want everyone that post on this board to know that Shareyourstory is not something that the March of Dimes provide for us, it is something that they provide with us. You would not believe how much our thoughts, opinions and voices matter. Speaking of the March of Dimes, ShareUnion will definitely leave you pumped to get more involved. I have my fundraising hat on and Missy and I were brainstorming ideas of how we can bring MOD into the hospital where unfortunately sweet Sammy has spent his fair share of time. I encourage everyone to start saving now for ShareUnion 2010. It is worth every cent. Matter of fact, I told anyone who would listen, I don’t care if I have to roll pennies to get there next year. God willing, I will never miss another ShareUnion and my goal is to one day be strong enough to be added to the program of speakers. Melissa Middleton, I tip my hat to you my dear. The deliverance of your story and the grace in which delivered it has left me in awe.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (22) | Permalink
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LOST A FRIEND
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Sep 02, 2009 06:30am (EST)
Last week I received a text message from a dear friend of mine stating that, in essence, she no longer wanted to be my friend. She and her family have meant a lot to me and mine this past decade. I really don’t know what I would have done without her the first few weeks following D’Lons death.
Last week she told me she is tired of being hurt for no reason by those she love and that is why she is no longer talking to me now. The thing is, I was never Not talking to her. I don’t know how to explain to those I love that I am not the same person I was a year ago and I cant promise them that person will ever return. I know friendships, like any other living thing, must be maintained or it will die and I will be the first to admit, I have not been able to keep up with the maintenance work on many of my relationships. It’s all I can do to maintain my relationships with God, my husband, and myself right now. I have very little energy for anything else.
I feel badly that she feel as though I hurt her, however, I feel worse that the fact that this relationship being over has not caused me to lose a wink of sleep. I have not even been the least bit upset about it. I have had to say goodbye to my mom, 9 months after that – my grandma, 3 months and 17 days after that, my aunt (mother’s sister) and then 2 years to the day of my mother’s death, I had to say goodbye to my daughter. After all of that loss in a 2-year span, losing a friend, is nothing in comparison. A part of me feels as though she want or maybe even need an apology from me or an admittance of my fault, however, I feel I have nothing to apologize for. I think she wants me to fight for our friendship, but I don’t have the energy to fight that fight. With everything that I am going through, I have never put any expectation on my friends. I have never expected them to say a certain thing or act a certain way and I need for them to offer that same luxury to me.
So I thanked my friend for her friendship over the years, wished her and her family the continued gift of life, good health while they are living it, peace and happiness.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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11 MONTHS
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Aug 26, 2009 04:50am (EST)
Bittersweet. That's how I feel. Is it even an emotion? I awoke still very excited about SU until I went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and looked at the reflection in the mirror. The woman in the mirror has a sad soul and it shows through in her eyes.
It's been 11 months since my most precious blessing earned her wings. Wow! I miss her. I miss her smile and contagious laugh. I miss that sweet little voice. I miss mothering her.
My original due date was October 10, 2005 and on October 10, 2009 I will be in D.C. with all the wonderful people that taught Preemie 101 in 2005 who now try their hardest to lift my spirit and offer words of comfort and support since losing D'Lon last year. This trip is no longer somthing that I really want to do, it is something that I need to do!
Thank you all for being whatever I need you to be whenever I need you to be it. I love you all!!!!!
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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FIRST ANGELVERSARY FASTLY APPROACHING
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Aug 20, 2009 01:11pm (EST)
Wow, we are fastly approaching the 1 year mark. Just thinking about it makes me feel anxious. A whole year, unbelievable. What I have found to be amazing through this all is the fact that God really does carry us when we are unable to carry ourselves. Like many testimonies in my life, I have no where else to put the fact that I am still standing on the fact that God carries and blesses you when you cant do it for yourself. I have tried my hardest to blame Him for the bad in my life and very lax on thanking him for the good. I have been so mad at him that I wasnt even able to pray. I turned off gospel music, and rolled my eyes at any gospel program I ran across while flipping the channels. Even through all that bad behaviour he still bless me with the love of a good man and the desire to make the effort to walk this journey and not just curl up somewhere and quit. I dont know where I would be a year later without without my faith in Him even if I dont understand some of the decisions that he makes. I will never pretned like I understand why he did not give my daughter the continued gift of life. Never, ever in a million years and right, wrong, or indifferent, when I get there, I plan on asking him just that. I was taught its not what you say, its the way you say it. I have no intention of being disrespectful in my presentation of the question, but I fully intend to ask it.
So I have been thinking about what am I going to do to mark 1 year and I have decided absolutely nothing. I am not going to do any kind of celebration. What am I celebrating? Her death. I guess I could spin on it and call it a celebration of her homegoing or something like that, but that would be fake. That would be an act because that is not how I feel at all. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up October, but that is not going to happen. No, I will not premeditate what I will do on that day. If it brings happiness and lots of fond memories, that would be great. If it brings a day full of tears and why her, I will roll with that too. But what I wont do, at least not this year, is make it some kind of celebration because her not being in my arms for a year is nothing to celebrate.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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I'M SO EXCITED!
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Aug 06, 2009 05:39am (EST)
I met a woman here on a Share about a year and half ago. She had just given birth to a 25wkr and was very scared. I commented her blog here and we developed a friendship off group. At the time, I thought God sent me to her to be a blessing her life. I shared our NICU journey and offered hope and encouragement through D’Lons life, when the scary white coats offered none. Now I know that God, and His infinite wisdom (even if we don’t understand it), sent her to be a blessing in mine. I do not have the words (and as you all know I’m pretty wordy) to describe what Melissa has meant to me these past 11 months. She, her Mother, Father, and Sister have been such a blessing to us. Their words of encouragement, inspiration, and understanding (as much as they can) have, on many days, brought sunshine when there was nothing but rain.
Tomorrow Dwayne and I will be picking up Melissa, Cathy (her Mom) and the Beautiful Janiah Joyce (who is now starting to take a few steps) from the airport for a 4-day visit. I am so excited to meet 3 generations of this beautiful family in person. Dwayne brought a big jug of Purell home yesterday and set about disinfecting all the doorknobs and handles in the house with Lysol. Our house smells very sterile. He said to me this morning, well there is going to be a little one in the house this weekend and then gave me the sweetest smile and wink it made my stomach get butterflies (I cant believe after 19 years he still has that affect on me).
My SIL Terrie is also coming for a visit on Saturday. She is the youngest and Dwayne is the oldest and I call them the bookends. Terrie so love her niece and she misses her tremendously. I sometimes forget that I am not the only one trying to learn to live a new normal. She visited that little girl just about every weekend. Sometimes D’Lon would be all in her grill or if her Daddy was around wouldn’t have anything to do with her, but that didn’t stop her Teetie from coming to visit her. Dwayne and I were trying to sneak out of Louisiana when we moved and Terrie came by as we were just about to pull off. The hurt on her face still haunts me. We should not have done it like that; we should have allowed people to send us off. Especially her, but we didn’t and I can’t apologize enough for that. Dwayne knew I was in no shape for goodbyes and in his never-ending quest to protect me, he was trying to get us out of there with as little fan fair as possible.
Speaking of Dwayne…I am just so blessed to have him. To marry as young as we did (21 & 22), to be so intuned at such a young age to realize if there is such a thing as soul mates we have met ours. We were in the car the other day on our way to the store and he just looked at me and said, Subsea 7 is where he earns the money to support us, but his job is to make and keep me happy. WOW! Some people will never know a ¼ of the love I have with this man. I truly believe that God designed and designated this man just for me. I love you Babe!!!!
It feels good to be excited and looking forward to something that I am just beside myself  ! I don’t know how long this good feeling will last, but I am going to revel in every moment of it.
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Posted by Grace's Mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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