March of Dimes

SHARE HOME > SHARE YOUR STORY > ALL SHORT STORIES > BLOGS

TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR EARTH

AlwaysAvasMom

June 2013

Category: Home

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

HEALTHCARE :: ARMS CROSSES FOOT TAPPING ::

Apr 24, 2013 05:32am (EST)

Ring, Ring, Ring...Hello...A voice says Hello Mrs. Terzulli some of your blood work returned abnormal so we have set up an appointment for you Wednesday at 1:30 pm with the high risk group....My heart sank and I just relied OK

. I just felt like I don't want to know I want to live in bliss until i get whatever news needs to be confirmed on Wednesday.

Wednesday at 1:00 arrived my husband accompanied me to the appointment, we sat waiting and waiting to be called. Helena Turzulli...no one seems to ever get the name right....I jumped up and ran into the sonogram room. She applied the goo said I can not tell you anything i will do the scan and the doctor will come in and speak with you when the scan is done and it began....

My husband sat in the chair pale and I held his hand reassuring him that all will be okay.

Look at those perfect hands babe, look at that face he/she is perfect. She ask me to empty my bladder and removed my pant and place the drape on so I did. We sat waiting for what seemed like forever.

So the doctor cames in with intro and begins to look at the baby. Examining the heart which has a white spot. She says if all the genetics come back good I am not concerned about this spot, besides that all looks good.

So i think to myself the genetics came back good so i am not concerned. SO i find myself thinking please read my history before you call me with these results close me in a dark room waiting for results from a good scan and stress me and this baby out to tell me all looks good and the blood test that came back positive can be rendered false positive when taken during pregnancy.

So currently the baby and i are doing fine next scan May 1st to follow up. 20 more weeks to go. Lord be with us....

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (4) | Permalink

CONNECTION...DISCONNECT.......

Mar 24, 2013 02:53am (EST)

We are now 15 weeks along, last visit the doctor said all looks good. as we count down to the anatomy scan and pray to hear the same words. I have been trying so hard to connect with this baby and this pregnancy, it has been difficult. My emotions tend to be on a never ending roller coaster ride. Pregnancy is just not easy anymore. People congratulate me and in the beginning I found myself saying please don't until I am holding my baby. But now I simply say thank you. I deserve to enjoy these moments because they are precious. If I could just wrap my mind around this emotionally. Rationally I totally get that there is a baby, but emotionally I find it hard to connect.

At 15 weeks I can already feel his/her movements i feel like he/she is saying mommy I am here. Reassurance.

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (6) | Permalink

2013, COULD IT BE...MY YEAR?

Mar 04, 2013 04:01am (EST)

So I found myself disconnected from my blogging for some time now. I log on from time to time and just click add entry, but nothing pours out. I fear for a while I might have just been trying to forget all of this ever happen, But then I realized I would be forgetting my sweet baby love, Ava. Today I find myself thinking of her so much wondering and wishing just like all the other angel moms. I keep wondering when will my rational mind kick in, but it doesn't. or maybe it did for awhile and sent me into denial again...defense mechanisms...some times they can be not so friendly.

.....Anywhoo....I am finally home with some minor repairs waiting to be done on my house. Thank the sweet lord. You can only take so much of living in some else's personal space. Sandy helped us repair all the things that needed to get done on the house, but I still wish she never paid a visited.

My big guy just turn 3 on Feb 19. I threw him 3 parties, a little overboard, but he enjoyed every moment of it. I just appreciate and love him so much that I can't help myself. He is getting so smart and is so much fun to be around. I miss him every second that we are separated, especially being away all nigght UGH!

Anywoohoo....I am currently 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant. All seems well this far but of course I take it minute by minute! I am enjoying the morning sickness and fatigue. The baby is growing well. a few episodes of bleeding but nothing of alarming concern which is nice. I pray that I will make it to a nice healthy 40 weeks. I have been trying not to say anything until I make it to the safe point of 14 weeks and then I will shout it from the roof tops, but I feel like I am hiding a beautiful secret from the world.

So I am due Sept 10, 2013! Keep us in your prayers please!

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (9) | Permalink

ANOTHER GOOD-BYE IN 2012

Dec 29, 2012 06:42am (EST)

Today I attended a wake for a young lady that I grew up with. She lost her life after falling in love. It was so sad, she was such a beautiful person inside and out. I feel like people who deserve it all end up suffering the worst. I find it very hard to believe that she is gone and felt that same feeling I felt with Ava. I thought to my self maybe God really is in collection of the good. There are so many unexplained things that are happening in the world, in life. I hope I can get through the next 2 days with nothing else happening.

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (6) | Permalink

FINDING THE BLESSING

Dec 11, 2012 07:12am (EST)

She says, "You are lucky because you have a gift that no one else really does where you are, "You can now relate to what they are feeling" Tears well in my eyes because, "my heart hurts to say I don't want to relate!" as the flood gates open and the rivers flow. I want to be as stupid as the rest of the world. I want to logically know that they are feeling pain and do my best to do anything to help them ease that pain without sheading tears because i know how bad it hurts and yet envy that they have have seen their baby breath, and be alive.

I am slowly finding my blessings in life without realizing that i just never acknowledge them. They were not hidden they were always right there I was just to stupid to see them. The blessings begin each time I open my eyes, in every breath I take, in each word I speak, in every sound I hear. The blessing is LIFE. The thing I spent so much time taking for granting because mine has been too rough to enjoy, but this bump in the road has made me realized I am too blessed to be depressed. I have Life a miracle I have taken for granted and my daugther never got to experience.

My work life balance is anything but balanced. I put so much effort into trying to be happy at one place that I don't have the energy for the other. I am tired. I find myself blurting out my daughter passed at inappropriate times. One mother inquired I have never seen you before are you new my baby has been here for a month so I said I was out for a while, but I have worked her for some time now. She continues to inquire so I said I was out on bedrest and my daughter passed so I took a break. Instantly I bite down on my tongue and thought Stupid stupid stupid why did you say that. I just unload my pain on someone else who is already dealing with their own. Slowly I am finding the blessings, biting my tongue will be my next blessing

Miss share union should be 3x's a year with a cleanse your soul session.

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (7) | Permalink

LIFE IS IN THE MOMENTS

Nov 25, 2012 03:12am (EST)

Strands of gold hair brush against my cheek and I take in his baby fresh scent. Big blue eyes gaze up at me and I speak, Goodnight my sweet baby. Too tired to reply 5 little fingers grace my face with a tender touch and I close my eyes for this moment I will cherish until the end of days. In life I spent so much time working to admire the big picture only to find that life was passing me by. 11/23 at midnight i walked into my coworkers pod and attempted to brush off my feelings, by joking around only to have my knees buckle as I collapse into her arms, she would have been 6 months today. Life is in the moments. I spend so much time unable to escape what I am feeling since my livelihood brings me head on with my reality. I try so hard to improve my practice and hope that someone will remember me for trying to make their reality a bit more bearable. I love these babies and treat them as if they are my own. Life is in the memories.

I found myself waiting for the elevator at work and a couple was lost looking for their family member who had been admitted. She didn't speak english well, but I advised I will do all I can to help them. She proceeds to explain that their family member was pregnant, bleeding and "The baby dead" as she said it. I looked up to heaven and could not help but say you have got to be joking right now. Needless to say I spent the entire night praying for her and it made me think I have got to get a bereavement plan going in this place. Life is in the lessons.

2012 is by far the hardest year I have experienced, I loss Ava, I miscarried with "Angel" which has left my emotionally and mentally displaced than Sandy took my home which has left my physically displaced. I can only hope for the best right now and I am going forward full steam with all I have. My testimony will one day save someone else and it is all I hope for. Life is in the moments, lessons and memories.

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (7) | Permalink

SHATTERED HEART, SCATTERED THOUGHTS

Oct 27, 2012 03:42am (EST)

The last two days I have been stuck, I received a letter in the mail from a family member who is very charismatic and it stated how sorry they were to hear about our 2nd loss and how our faith is growing through this, etc...and I thought huh?really?growing? If growing is telling GOD his plans kind of suck real bad, and that I don't feel like speaking to him right now even though I know we have our discussions and I bite my tongue when words of indiscretion begin to run through my mind than yes it is growing. I was doing good, mind was clear and I would think of Ava Lynn and was okay, now I feel broken again and angry again. I can't see the plan in this, a mother without her child so I thought Maybe GOD is collecting the good, maybe our babies are serving a purpose beyond our comprehension. Huh? I am not sure anymore I just know in losing her, I am lost.

My heart is shattered and drifting in the breeze. I use to think I would just place what happened to me a box and wrap it up and place it away, but now I think I want those shattered pieces to be in the breeze.

Sometimes this is so hard because when someone hears my baby died, no asked who she looked like and most days it is all I want someone to say, just acknowledge that she was here.

Scattered thoughts I guess.

IMG_0057

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

SHAREUNION 2012 MY FIRST TIME!

Oct 26, 2012 09:40am (EST)

So I have been home for 5 days now and I can't help but miss Orlando. I have never felt so comfortable before. I truly felt freed since sharing my feelings and meeting some AWESOME people. Everyone has a story and the stories from last weekend are embedded in my heart.

It was so amazing to hear stories of losses and NICU moms and see the slideshow during the dinner. I arrived late on Friday and that feeling walking in and seeing Lauren and Stacy I remember my heart just melted and I want to cry.

I am working on taking the next step and being more involved. I walked away from the Shareunion and feel like I have the ability to be a better person and a better nurse. I do hope that next year maybe we could slip a little more in about losses, but all in all I loved every moment.

I also learn some awesome things you actually do read Tracy's post and hear her voice so funny, I am now in shoe competition with Donna (hope I got her name right), I am in love with the name Hope, I wish I was from Guam and Hawaii because I am way to worried about time, Karaoke rocks!, I need to take so many pictures next year, I now remember my blog name since I could not recall it all weekend "sorry Ava", and most of all Shareunion is like becoming part of a new family! I hate how I meet you all, but love that I have!

Until next year! Many Blessings!

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

ANOTHER LOSS

Oct 01, 2012 03:14am (EST)

So I found out at 9 weeks we lost our new angel! I am waiting for the baby to "expel" naturally and if not I will be having a D & C on Oct. 12. It took me so long to process that I was pregnant again and just when it started to sink it, it is gone. Needless to say I have to take a leave at work again. Taking care of other babies is just to much to handle right now. I can't help to feel like a failure as if something is so wrong with my body. I think this one hurts because it is a loss but it is right on the coat tails of losing Ava. I also can't help but to feel that what will be will be and maybe God has no control, but can only listen to our prayers and hope what we pray will come true. I am losing my faith at this point.

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

SURREAL

Sep 06, 2012 01:56pm (EST)

On August 31 I found out that I am pregnant. I am so happy and feel that maybe my little angel played her part in this miracle. The doctor said we could wait two cycles and when we are ready to try again then we could. He said it would probably take 6 months to 1 year. Since it took long with my son Antonio we anticipated being pregnant around December or January. Well it was the first try and here I am. I can not believe it. As I take it day by day I can't help but to think that if all goes well this time the baby will be born around May 7 I lost Ava on May 23. I am currently 6 weeks and have my first peak at the baby on Sept 20. I thank God and my sweet Ava.

Posted by AlwaysAvasMom | Comments: (9) | Permalink

Archives