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GRIEVING MY LITTLE ANGEL.
stephtuvera_06 |
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30 MAY 2010
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May 30, 2010 06:28am (EST)
We do not have internet at our house yet, so I have not been on here in some time :S But I had a question for those who have lost a child....our son's birthday is June 23rd and our family keeps asking us if we are planning anything to do on that day, and also on his death day (Sept. 16th). I wasn't sure what we were suppose to do on either of those days. I know we are sending a care package with premie clothes and stuff to the NICU our son was at, but other than that, I'm somewhat lost on what families do on those days. Can anyone give me any suggestions? All suggestions are greatly appreciated! Thanks everyone!!
& also, ever since I became pregnant again, I've been having dreams almost every night about my son or about this pregnancy ending badly :S Last night I had a dream we were in the NICU the day my son passed away, but that everything ended up being okay, and he lived. Then I woke up & it was horrible  The night before last night I dreamed that I was sleeping and woke up to find I was bleeding heavily, like with my last pregnancy. I keep having these dreams! Do you think it's just because I'm pregnant & you have weird dreams when you're pregnant?? I don't like these dreams But I guess there isn't much I can do about them, huh? Well, I hope you all have a Happy Memorial Day  Thanks!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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12 APRIL 2010
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Apr 12, 2010 06:29pm (EST)
I feel so blessed to be given another change..to be a mother! My husband and I found out last night that I am pregnant ) Today that was verified by the doctor! We are sooo happy and excited and thankful! We are, of course, nervous because of everything that happened last time...but I know my baby boy, Aven, in heaven will watch over his little brother or sister and be the best guardian angel anyone could ask for. Thank you for all the baby dust sent our way It worked!! I am soo thankful.
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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7 APRIL 2010
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Apr 07, 2010 04:33pm (EST)
My husband and I don't have internet in our new house we're renting yet, so I haven't been on in a while...but just wanted to update you all...my husband and I are going to our first grief counselling session next Monday. I've been feeling really down & depressed lately. I went to the doctor here on base last week to hopefully get put on anti-depressants, but they want me to try counselling first. I don't feel like myself, or normal for me. I don't like being around people...I don't like doing many things I use to do. I usually just stay at home & clean. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I thought I'd be back to normal...it's been almost 7 months since our little angel went to heaven....I really just want to feel happy again & back to normal. Hopefully this counselling helps...I'm just kind of nervous about talking to a complete stranger about this all. I feel like they will think I'm crazy or something...or judge me
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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18 MARCH, 2010
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Mar 18, 2010 10:03am (EST)
Well I took another test last night...which is like my 6th test...and it came back negative :'( So I'm giving up. I guess my period just didn't come for some reason. I should be starting my period again here in about a week. I really hate this stupid waiting game. I just feel like I want to give up on this trying to get pregnant. For some reason, God finds the need to make my period late or not even come at all...maybe just to get my hopes up and make me feel sad and depressed. Everyone around me is getting pregnant Most of my good friends are either pregnant or just had a baby :'( I'm so out of place. I have a few friends who want to come visit me and they want to bring their babies with them so I can meet them...I told them I didn't want to see their babies. How big of a jerk am I?! :'( I feel like such a b*$@! telling them I don't want to see their babies, but I know I can't handle it. It'll make me feel depressed and worthless. I feel like such a crappy person right now and I can't even get pregnant or anything I'm probably sounding really really stupid right now, but I feel so angry & sad right now...I guess I"m just venting.
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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MARCH 14TH, 2010
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Mar 14, 2010 02:03pm (EST)
Still no period for me yet. I am approximately 3 weeks late, although I have taken 2-3 tests and each has come back negative :S I should be starting my period is a week or week and a half. I'm pretty nervous that its going to come & that I'm going to get my hopes up...AGAIN! It feels like I've been getting my hopes up like this the past 3 months. Everyone around me is getting pregnant and I want to get pregnant sooo badly. I don't see how everyone around me can be getting pregnant, yet God is just like skipping over me.
I feel like God and religion is still something my husband and I are struggling with. I noticed that I blame God when I get my hopes up. He is, after all, the one who controls everything isn't he? It was his will to take my son and it is up to him as to when or if I get pregnant. I try soo hard not to be upset with him or blame him for things, because I know he is the reason I had such a perfect little boy for so long. It's just so hard because he seems to be blessing everyone around me with pregnancy. I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed as for what's going on right now. I'll post updates when I know anything different!!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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8 FEBRUARY, 2010
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Feb 09, 2010 01:46am (EST)
When do these horrible, stupid jealous feelings go away?? I think this is probably one of the hardest things to deal with...after the initial shock fades away. I hate feeling like this!! I see people with babies & it just breaks my heart sometimes. It's weird...somedays I love seeing little babies & it doesn't bother me as much...but then somedays I just want to cry & scream right there.
I am not a very patient person...and playing this waiting game, that many women trying to get pregnant have played, is so hard!! I hate wondering & then getting my hopes up.
A girl I was really really good friends with...best friends at one point...had her baby about a month ago. When my son passed away she never said anything to me at all & when she finally did she said she understood why I was upset with her & that I was upset with her because she was still pregnant & I wasn't and my baby died. After she said that to me I pushed her out of my life. I feel like she's such a horrible person to say something like that to someone who had just ,a month before, lost their child. I get so angry when I think that she, the horrible person she is, has a healthy little baby & she's happy. Why in the hell does God do this kind of stuff to people??? It makes me so mad to the point where I just break down & cry when I try to think about what reasons God has for breaking a person into a million pieces.
I want all of these feelings to leave me alone. I want to go back to the carefree, happy-go-lucky person I once was. I hate all of this :'( I'm not sure what to do.
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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FEBRUARY 6, 2010
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Feb 06, 2010 11:43pm (EST)
Tonight I went shopping for my friend who is having a baby! I wont be living here in Alaska when she has her baby shower so I bought all of her stuff early to give her before I left. I had a lot of fun shopping for her baby. It made me so happy. I always loved shopping for Aven & always bought him wayyy too much stuff, especially clothes! Shopping for her baby brought back those memories, and although it made me a little sad, I think I felt more happy then sad. If I can't spoil my own baby boy, I might as well spoile someone elses' I suppose! She's a single mother & doesn't know a lot of people up here, so I know she wont be having a very big baby shower, if one at all, so I decided to go all out for her. I wish her the best of luck & hopes that she cherishes every moment of this amazing amazing experience!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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FEBRUARY 3, 2010
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Feb 03, 2010 04:18am (EST)
As I've posted in a few previous posts, my hubby and I are trying to have another baby. Any tips or advice from anyone out there on things to do to prepare for another pregnancy? I take daily vitamins and folic acid supplements already and I work out and get plenty of physically activity. I drink plenty of water also. I'm trying to eat more fruits and veggies to make my diet a little more balanced...any more tips or anything? Thanks!!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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JANUARY 28,2010
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Jan 28, 2010 07:24am (EST)
Tonight I had a girls night with my best friend from 1st grade. It was going great, until she started talking about pregnancy and babies. She told me,"I want a boy. If I have a girl I will give it up for adoption. I don't even want a girl. Unless she's cute I guess, but if not then definitely no. I don't even want my stomach to get all big and stretched out, thats disgusting." WTF?! I am totally lost on why in the hell someone would say that.....ESPECIALLY to someone who has recently lost a child. I feel so taken back right now. She asked what I want next time and I said ,"I'm not picky. I just want my baby to be healthy." She said ,"Yeah I guess I want mine to be healthy too...unless it's not cute...if it's not cute I wont even want it." I just want to break down and cry...I don't even feel like I can talk to her about any of this stuff now. I don't feel like I can show how angry I am with her right now. I feel so hurt right now. I don't see how people can be so *&^&* stupid & selfish. I just want to cry right now :'(
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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