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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(3 members)
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AandO6 |
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Jackie G6 |
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Sophiasmom6 |
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GRIEVING MY LITTLE ANGEL.
stephtuvera_06 |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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MARCH 14TH, 2010
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Mar 14, 2010 02:03pm (EST)
Still no period for me yet. I am approximately 3 weeks late, although I have taken 2-3 tests and each has come back negative :S I should be starting my period is a week or week and a half. I'm pretty nervous that its going to come & that I'm going to get my hopes up...AGAIN! It feels like I've been getting my hopes up like this the past 3 months. Everyone around me is getting pregnant and I want to get pregnant sooo badly. I don't see how everyone around me can be getting pregnant, yet God is just like skipping over me.
I feel like God and religion is still something my husband and I are struggling with. I noticed that I blame God when I get my hopes up. He is, after all, the one who controls everything isn't he? It was his will to take my son and it is up to him as to when or if I get pregnant. I try soo hard not to be upset with him or blame him for things, because I know he is the reason I had such a perfect little boy for so long. It's just so hard because he seems to be blessing everyone around me with pregnancy. I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed as for what's going on right now. I'll post updates when I know anything different!!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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8 FEBRUARY, 2010
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Feb 09, 2010 01:46am (EST)
When do these horrible, stupid jealous feelings go away?? I think this is probably one of the hardest things to deal with...after the initial shock fades away. I hate feeling like this!! I see people with babies & it just breaks my heart sometimes. It's weird...somedays I love seeing little babies & it doesn't bother me as much...but then somedays I just want to cry & scream right there.
I am not a very patient person...and playing this waiting game, that many women trying to get pregnant have played, is so hard!! I hate wondering & then getting my hopes up.
A girl I was really really good friends with...best friends at one point...had her baby about a month ago. When my son passed away she never said anything to me at all & when she finally did she said she understood why I was upset with her & that I was upset with her because she was still pregnant & I wasn't and my baby died. After she said that to me I pushed her out of my life. I feel like she's such a horrible person to say something like that to someone who had just ,a month before, lost their child. I get so angry when I think that she, the horrible person she is, has a healthy little baby & she's happy. Why in the hell does God do this kind of stuff to people??? It makes me so mad to the point where I just break down & cry when I try to think about what reasons God has for breaking a person into a million pieces.
I want all of these feelings to leave me alone. I want to go back to the carefree, happy-go-lucky person I once was. I hate all of this :'( I'm not sure what to do.
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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FEBRUARY 6, 2010
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Feb 06, 2010 11:43pm (EST)
Tonight I went shopping for my friend who is having a baby! I wont be living here in Alaska when she has her baby shower so I bought all of her stuff early to give her before I left. I had a lot of fun shopping for her baby. It made me so happy. I always loved shopping for Aven & always bought him wayyy too much stuff, especially clothes! Shopping for her baby brought back those memories, and although it made me a little sad, I think I felt more happy then sad. If I can't spoil my own baby boy, I might as well spoile someone elses' I suppose! She's a single mother & doesn't know a lot of people up here, so I know she wont be having a very big baby shower, if one at all, so I decided to go all out for her. I wish her the best of luck & hopes that she cherishes every moment of this amazing amazing experience!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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FEBRUARY 3, 2010
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Feb 03, 2010 04:18am (EST)
As I've posted in a few previous posts, my hubby and I are trying to have another baby. Any tips or advice from anyone out there on things to do to prepare for another pregnancy? I take daily vitamins and folic acid supplements already and I work out and get plenty of physically activity. I drink plenty of water also. I'm trying to eat more fruits and veggies to make my diet a little more balanced...any more tips or anything? Thanks!!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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JANUARY 28,2010
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Jan 28, 2010 07:24am (EST)
Tonight I had a girls night with my best friend from 1st grade. It was going great, until she started talking about pregnancy and babies. She told me,"I want a boy. If I have a girl I will give it up for adoption. I don't even want a girl. Unless she's cute I guess, but if not then definitely no. I don't even want my stomach to get all big and stretched out, thats disgusting." WTF?! I am totally lost on why in the hell someone would say that.....ESPECIALLY to someone who has recently lost a child. I feel so taken back right now. She asked what I want next time and I said ,"I'm not picky. I just want my baby to be healthy." She said ,"Yeah I guess I want mine to be healthy too...unless it's not cute...if it's not cute I wont even want it." I just want to break down and cry...I don't even feel like I can talk to her about any of this stuff now. I don't feel like I can show how angry I am with her right now. I feel so hurt right now. I don't see how people can be so *&^&* stupid & selfish. I just want to cry right now :'( 
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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15 JANUARY 2010
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Jan 15, 2010 07:18am (EST)
Feels like I haven't been on here in a while! But I have a new update! When my son, Aven, passed away in September, we put in for a reassignment in Air Force bases so we could be closer to home. People told us they didn't think we'd get to transfer bases since our time wasn't up here at this base in AK....buuuut we found out about a week ago that we are getting transferred to a base that will be 1.5 hours from my hubbys parents and about 3.5 hours from mine! We're so excited! We're hoping this will help us deal with things & make things easier. It'll be nice to get away from this base & these ppl that I feel didn't care about my son, myself, or my husband through all of this.
We should be moving sometime at the end of Feb or beginning of March. I'm kind of nervous about going to a new base where people don't know what has happened and that we've lost a child. I'm scared people are going to say something to upset me or something. I guess thats how it's going to be going anywhere though. Just makes me nervous.
ANother plus to this assignment is that since we've been through a lot lately, neither of us are eligible to deploy! Which is awesome! We'll be eligible a year after we get to that base I believe. We're pretty excited & just trying to get everything situated and make plans for our move!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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JANUARY 4, 2009
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Jan 04, 2010 08:57pm (EST)
I really hope 2010 is better than 2009. Its got to be better....if its worse than 2009 was, then I've got some big problems ahead I guess. I feel so bitter. I know so many people that are pregnant or just having babies...it makes me sooo jealous & bitter. I feel like I was cheated. Why are they getting what I want most? Some of them don't even deserve it at all. I know a guy who is in the Air Force with my husband & I, & his wife just had a baby a few weeks ago. Well this guy has been smoking pot, knowing they were getting ready to have a baby & that if he got caught he'd get kicked out. Well he got kicked out & now has no job. His wife isn't working, so they are screwed.
(I know I may get some crap for this, but I have this blog to get MY feelings out, not worry about what OTHERS might think.) There are little teenagers out there who aren't even ready to have a baby & some DO NOT even want to have a baby, that are getting pregnant & their pregnancies go fine. UGH!!! #(%^$(&# I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!! But it doesn't matter what I do because I will always ALWAYS have these stupid feelings. There is nothing to make it better. I will just have to hide these feelings from everyone, everytime someone tells me they are expecting, or everytime I see someone pregnant. Everyone's lives are coming together that I'm close to, but mines just falling apart.
I really want to try to have another baby. I think it stresses my husband out when I talk about it though. Idk why...I'm confused by it all right now. I asked him if he wanted me to get on birthcontrol...he said he didn't care. So I got on it, but then one day I forgot to take it & I told him I forgot to take it, and he said," Its okay, you don't need to be on it." So then I asked him,"So are you saying you want to start trying to have a baby?" Then he seemed to get irratated with me and said," I don't care if your on birthcontrol or not, I just don't want to talk about it.I get really annoyed when we talk about it." I feel like I have no one to talk to about my feelings now..except people on here. I feel so distant from EVERYONE. I've kind of done it to myself though. Idk...I feel so uncomfortable around ppl after all this has happened with my son passing away. Is that normal? is it normal to distance yourself from everyone? Ugh I need some help
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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JANUARY 2, 2009
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Jan 02, 2010 12:01pm (EST)
Has anyone lost a child and afterwards had a lot of trouble sleeping? Its been a little over 3 months since my son passed away & I feel like I can never ever sleep, unless I take Nyquil or something. But I don't want to become dependent on that, so I only take it every once in a while. The nights that I do not take it I feel like I'm never tired! I even work 12 hour shifts at work on base & I never feel tired. I will lay there with my husband, who falls asleep super fast, & I'll lay in bed for a few hours before I even fall asleep. I think I get about 3 hours of sleep a night. Anyone else have this problem? Just wondering if it was just me. Happy New Year!
Steph!
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Posted by stephtuvera_06 | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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She's a Chesapeake Bay Retreiver and is so adorable! We haven't had a pet since our son passed away almost 6 months ago, so it feels awesome to have someone who depends on you for everything. It gives me something to some what fill a small part of that huge hole left in my heart. 
