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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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ANA VALENTINAīS JOURNAL
Arnara |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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MY LITTLE MERMAID
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Nov 13, 2012 03:13pm (EST)
I have been thinking that this is Valentina's Blog, and reading along I noticed I do not write much about her... Maybe because she is so gentle and wonderful girl, with no troubles, but I should write more about her...
Now she is on school vacation, so I decided to keep her busy (myself included) and take her to swimming lessons. She loves them, despite she is scare of water, she is brave. The first day was a torture for me, she cried so hard and howled the whole class, I was at the point of getting her out of the pool... the instructor told me it was going to be that way for a week, probably meaning I get use to it, the second day I was mentally getting prepared to hear her cry, but in the car in our way to the pool she said that she was not going to cry, "it is a promise mommy" she said... and she didn't cry, in fact she enjoyed it so much... Now every morning she is ready for the pool, she has been there 2 weeks and she is doing so well.
I smile when I watch her in her lessons she is such a chatty girl, the instructor takes her to swim around the pool one kid at a time, and I can see she is always chatting with the instructor, with the other kids, even singing, I do not know what she talks about but she is always talking...
She is becoming a big girl now, she wants to do everything by herself, dress up, make things, she is always saying "but I am not a baby anymore" sigh ... she is not my baby anymore... in a few more days she is going to be 4... she is thrilled planning with me her Birthday party, I have been running around preparing all for her party....
We love her so much, she is such a wonderful girl, truly a rainbow baby.....
Here some pictures..... first 2 of her swimming lessons... she loves that shark swim cap.... and third one she was quiet one afternoon arranging her "room gallery"... she asked me for masking tape, little pieces and she hang all her school painting on her room, on the door, even in our room.... she is so artistic...
L.
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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10
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Oct 01, 2012 01:58pm (EST)
Today my sweet angel Antonella would have been 10 years old. 10... sounds like a simple and small number, but it has been 10 years living this life without her....
As years have gone by, I came to accept and learn to live in the sorrow her parting left us.... I cry now and then, but basically when I have those glimpses of life, how our life should have been with her... And I came to discover that probably living with sorrow is not the way she would have want us to remember her, and would have been a great insult to her memory, she who fought for life so bravely for 50 days marveling nurses and doctors, so tiny yet so strong... And even with ventilator she had those tiny smiles....So I decided several years ago that I will not live my life with sorrow and regrets, I will seize every moment, I am sure that is the way she would have like it. But I am human, and an angel mom, so I have my sad moments, that come unexpectedly.
Yesterday I was thinking about her, all day long, the days before her birthday and her angelversaries are like these, I remember. And counting I realized that if she had been born 10 days later maybe, she would have had a chance. If she had gained 10 more ounces, maybe it would have made a difference..... and again we come with this number...10 .... for some it is the perfect number, not for me....
Sometimes I catch myself looking at girls that are more less Antonella's age, and I always found myself wondering, would she have smile like her? Would she have look like this? Would she have dress like that? And whenever I buy gifts for the kids I often look around for something she would have like.
Even though I remember every detail of those days, even the smells, my memory of her is fading... A trick of my mind I am sure, and I regret that I don't have any picture of her, I naively thought she was going to be all right, and Drs keep encouraging us of how well she was doing...
So happy Birthday my sweetest little girl, our fighter, we remember you every single day, and specially today, I wish with all my heart you were here with us celebrating, but I know you will always live in our hearts ...We love you
Happy Birthday
Lorena
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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DROWNING
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Aug 28, 2012 03:24pm (EST)
I have write and re write this entry several times. It sounds so stupid, compared with all the troubles many of you are passing by these days, and I know it is not big deal, but it has take off my peace of mind these past days.
Someone wrote in her blog several day ago, that if we don't swim we drown in our pain. I think I have forgot how to swim because I feel like I am drowning, maybe in not a big deep ocean of inner pain, probably I am drowning in a glass of water, but still I am drowning.
Few years ago, when S started elementary school he had several problems with his behavior and social environment. I know S character can be difficult, but he was picked up by some of his classmates and this set some issues. It was difficult time, but we move on, and with the help of school and teachers we "survived" that period. I felt anguish and weak, since I couldn't help him in school. Part of us just wants to make a cocoon and protect them from all bad things in life. Maybe it is part of growing up. Maybe these experiences are part of character maker. I do not know, but they are hard proofs for parents.
We live in a condo area, were houses are close by and the playground and gardens are common. S was happy playing outside. For me was better, since he had grew up mostly without other kids around, and it kept him busy and not watching tv. But for some days he had refused to go and play out. There is a kid, 14 years old, that has always picked up S, for several months, but since he was always alone, S just ignore him, and play with other neighbor kids.
But since a couple of months, this kid has organized a type of "gang" with the kids S used to play before. And now with this gang, he has been making difficult for S playing outside, to the point were he refuse to go out.
I do not understand this, how some former good kids that play with S, now are the buddies of this bully? Even backing him up. S has not wanted to tell me anything, you know kids, don't want to be a snitch. But I have notice all this. So one day I saw S going out so happy and 5 minutes later coming inside angry. I looked out the window and there were all this kids like a gang in the park. So that was just it, I went outside, and told this bully kid to stop bothering S that we just had it, I will speak to his parents about his behavior. He just kept quiet. The other kid, the one that comes to play with S, whose mother is my "friend" started telling me, they didn't do anything wrong or anything to S. I felt more angry. I mean if you are a friend at least back up your friends or stay quiet but not defend a bully.
I know my "friend" will blinding believe in her son, as we all do, and she will not believe me if I told her, in fact she seems to be in good terms with the bully kids parents, so my DH told me not to make a big mess of some kidīs problem and to leave it alone. Maybe I am making such a big deal over a glass of water and I am drowning in it. Somehow it seems speaking to the kid didn't work it the way I was hoping. I know speaking with the parents would be the next logical thing to do, but as my DH said maybe instead of helping I am aggravating the problem, fueling it.
This morning when I wake up S he told me he had a nice dream, and I said, what you dreamed? and he said he live in new house and he had a huge bathroom, he just laughed. I asked him, do you want to move? and he say yes. Broke my heart. With so much hope and happiness we bought this house and S is upset here.....
I feel bad for him, I feel weak, I feel angry, and I am so worry. And it surprise me since I am not afraid of situations, I work them and move forward, taking the positive side of any bad situation. I am not used to feel weak, I have always been the strong one, the cold head that took hard decisions, but now I feel inside so weak and powerless. For me it will be and I will speak with parents and have a restrain order or something, drastic measures, but I know it would not help S, and we can not be running or having huge troubles.
Really it sounds so stupid this problem, but it is not. It has kept my peace of mind.
PRobably I need someone exterior who can help me with this situation, and give me advice to help S to affront it.
My sister told me the best thing to do is to keep S busy with extracurricular classes. I know it is good for him, but I remember the best times in my childhood was playing outside with other kids.
So I just continue swimming...
L.
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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LUCKY
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Jul 25, 2012 03:23pm (EST)
Few months ago, I filled up a cupon with Valentina's name on a famous girl's store, knowing though they do not have clothes for Valentina's size, since the smallest size is 6, and she is 3. A week ago I received a call saying that V had won!!! she and other girl were the lucky girls to win a certificate and they can chose clothes and merchandise they want, and it was big prize.... I felt so happy for V, I have never won anything in store promotions, I fill up every cupon on stores, but I never won anything... And I felt like we all have won ....
So I took V to the store to pick up the prize, they did some promotional pictures, though clothes were little big for her, I chose them, and she picked up a jewelry box, some stuffed animals, and some other things.... we had a great morning....
I have never have give much thought about the luck thing... I am grateful for the persons and things in my life, but I have not consider myself as a lucky person... not in pregnancy related issues, for instance... I had have several miscarriages, lost my angel, and difficulties in pregnancies of my kids, with bedrest, all medical related issues, etc... I mean I see all those women, that just have a baby, because they want or not, not even taking any precautions in pregnancy... and I just thought how lucky they are, not a single worry, and they have perfect pregnancies, perfect full term babies to take home.... I felt little envious for that... how different my life would be....
But then I reconsider this, I will never change my kids, with all their difficulties with any full term baby, I will never trade my experience, good and bad, for anything else... My previous experiences let me see the good human nature in so many persons I have met... and also this experiences brought me to a wonderful group of women here...
So, I don't believe too much in luck, or reframe it, I do not give much importance to luck, I came to accept the good and the bad in all situations and to value all the good ones, and learn from the bad ones... maybe it doesn't sound coherent this thinking, not to someone that has not suffer any pregnancy related difficulties in life...
But I feel lucky for the children I have, for the persons in my life that have help me through my difficult times, and for the good friends and family that have been by my side, and for my wonderful children here and in heaven....And despite all the sorrow I can still smile, so yes I am lucky!
L.
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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ELEVEN YEARS AGO....
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Jun 21, 2012 09:33pm (EST)
Seriously I have not blog since a long time, I almost had to drag this blog from the last page......
I found this photo, some days ago, of Stefano, he was few days old, my 31 weeker and 3 pounder... he is a champ, my hero and I feel so blessed with him, we have come from a long road, and it is still a lot ahead of us, but now I can feel I am not wandering around, lost around the bushes...... Last week was his 11th Birthday. He had a great day, with some school friends over, 12 to be exact, I ran all day long to get his party ready, and I was afraid of the weather, that it might rain as the broadcast guy said, but no, it was the most marvelous day, all bright and sunny, I think we have someone up there to help us with that..... Speaking of my Angel, while I was driving around, I had a glimpse of what could it had been, if she was with us, I pictured her clearly in my mind, as a 9 year old little girl, and I had to breath hard, it felt so real, I even picture her there, sometimes that "almost reality" hit me without a warning, it is sad but happy at the same time, I know she is with us in our hearts, for ever. Even S told me how he think it would be if Antonella was with us, so sweet of him to remember her on his Birthday.....
Valentina is rotten spoiled, she had few dramas, over the gifts, and cake, but then she understood it was her brother's Bday and was ok...... Stefano is so sweet with her.........
So I hope we keep on trek, and that Stefano has many, many great birthdays to come........
stef
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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SOME THINGS ON MY MIND
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Dec 27, 2011 04:23pm (EST)
So today was Antonella's EDD.... so every Dec 27th I get little sad... would have been great to have a christmas baby that today would be a 9 year old girl.....
My SIL is visiting, she has a girl, Antonella and my DH niece were born 8 days apart.....Antonella 10/1 and Jessica 10/9.... she was also premature.... 25 weeker..... When I see her makes me nostalgic, I try to imagine how Antonella would be, probably like her.... so I spoil her a little, like as if she was Antonella... Hard to accept that some preemies make it others don't....
We are hanging here, I decided, against the Dr's opinion, to stop S medication in holidays.... his weight is really concerning me, he is skin and bones, and even tough I know routine is essential with ADHD I took off medication.... and he is eating eagerly, almost famishing.... I decided to follow my mom's heart....once I did not, and it was a big mistake....took our precious baby.. I have nothing against medication in fact it has help us a lot in school, but I see no point to take it in vacation period..... and it worries me S is not eating ..... I know ADHD medication has been used over 60 years, safely as my Dr point out, but I tried to find studies, long period medical studies, of adults that took medication as children and how is their adult life... if anyone can give me a clue or a study of that I will appreciate it.... it is concerning me the side effects..... I have notice that S ADHD is worst than before medication, S was in the frontier line, yes he has ADHD I am not denial, but his conduct was acceptable in the last year, out of school, but now he repeats over a lot the same thing, he has ticks, he makes noises with his mouth, he talks alone, yes I know kids do that, but not older kids, and somehow he is unbearable without medication.... and I don't want him to be medicated all his life..... I have seen kids in my family, that had serious behavioral problems, yes it runs in my family it seems, even my brother was kicked out from military school, for bad behavior, my DH had serious problems as kid, and they "outgrow" them, with the help of their parents, yes they suffered a lot in school, but now I might say they are great adults.... so this brings me to my doubt, what if they have "to learn" to deal with their ADHD and medication is just hiding it and not helping them "learn" to deal with it? What if "school suffering" is part of the process of becoming an adult.....I read somewhere that C students are successful adults, and grades in school doesn't define academic adult life....We have disagreed with my Dr in several things, and he has not answered satisfactory all these questions..... sometimes I think maybe I am selfish to want a perfect model kid.... but my job is not to make them perfect the way I think it is....my job is to help them be whatever they want to be, humble human beings and happy...yes maybe S doesn't like to study, maybe he has other talents, like he is easy going, social, talkative, funny, creative... and yes he is hyper always on the move, climbing, running.....I read that ADHD attetional dissorder is that they can't keep attention in things they don't like, because I have seen S can put attention on the things he likes...... I don't know the answers I am still trying to figure this out , why don't they come with a manual or something so we can know what has to be done  so I keep searching what is best for S.....
and finally we have had stress holidays.... I don't know I love xmas time, but this year was so stressful, and so quickly gone, it didn't let me enjoyed the days properly....
I wish a happy new year, that we have love, health, work, and we are together, the other things are additionals.....
Here some xmas pics......
ste
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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BITTERSWEET NOVEMBER
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Nov 29, 2011 12:37am (EST)
So November used to be my favorite month, vacation time from school, rainy season ending, chilly days with blue skies and sunny days...... who would have thought that my husband's Bday is in November....other thing to add on my list of favorites in November....
Then 9 years ago, on November 20th, after 50 days bravely fighting in NICU my dear angel got her wings..... I would never say "lost her fight" because I know she fought so bravely and she was in so much pain, no matter what Drs said, I could see her pain..... she simply went to rest in peace....sometimes I wonder in my selfishness I made her suffer..... but I kept hope, hope to take my baby girl home with me, and finally hug her and kiss her, I never did, those stupid drs said it was too much for her, overstimulation, her heart rate could make it fast, blah, blah, blah..... no child should ever be private of her mother kisses......I never give her one.. so it felt like a nightmare, those days, Thank God I kept a journal, my precious journal of her short life, with simple details, like how much she ate, how much she weight, how she looked like....Ironic that she passed away the same day as my sister did one year before, and she rest with my sister.... so double mourn that day........
And 6 year and 4 days later, my sweet angel Valentina came.... what a joy to have a baby girl, even thou she was 28 weeker, 2.4 pounds, but she did great..... and she is a 3 years old girl now .... so vivacious, so happy, so loving.....
November for me is a month of mourning, a month of sadness, but at the same time is a month of joy and happiness. Is like life, full of joy and sorrow..... I read somewhere that to learn to love the light you have to endure the darkness..... so true, this sorrow has been my personal walk in darkness and light.....
Sweet Angelversary my dearest princess, you are always remembered and Happy Birthday to my second princess.....
L.
Some pic of Valentina, first one the day we went home after NICU, her first Birthday, her second Birthday and her third Birthday.
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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HAPPY HEAVENLY 9TH BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST ANTONELLA
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Oct 01, 2011 05:15pm (EST)
Today is Antonella's 9th birthday....... born at 26 weeks,weighting 1 pound 9 onz, it is hard to imagine how life would be with a 9th year old little girl....... the truth is that when she was born I never even imagine that 50 days later she will die....... I kept making plans, and being optimistic, with the Drs.' "progress" .....the truth was otherwise...... there was no hope, and they knew it.......after 3 major surgeries after an aggressive NEC there was no hope...... just a miracle...... but that miracle was not granted to me.......like a wish I think, but now I understand there was a certain purpose in all that..... what life will be this day with Antonella alive? I can not tell....I have learnt that in this life there is no "IF" ....... oh yes till this day and probably all my life I will regret many decisions I took with Antonella's health...... but I have made peace with my conscious and myself ........
I just want to send you, my sweetest tiny fighter girl, all the kisses I can...... and wish and hope that sometime in the future we will meet again and give them all to you........ hoping that you are in a far better place, and that someone is taking care of you my girl, I wish you with all my heart a happy heavenly 9th birthday......
I will always love and remember you........ you are in my heart always..........
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Posted by Arnara | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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